Single all the way

Is that the sound of Santa’s sleigh I hear jingling to a halt on the roof? No, it’s Aunt Jeanie’s two-thousand bracelets rattling on the wrist that she’ll no doubt be shaking in my direction whilst reprimanding me for still being single after she’s had a few too many QC’s. Judgement by the family is, like mulled wine, one of the things I could do without at Christmas.

There are plenty of comebacks in my repertoire, many thanks to insights from fellow dating site members. Depending upon how well I like the relative (or dislike the nosey neighbour) in question will dictate by what degree I temper the response.

Don’t get me wrong, many are expressing genuine concern that I’ve not yet found the perfect partner; others are simply reinforcing their ‘holier than thou’ viewpoint, more for the benefit, I always feel, of themselves (and others listening) than due to any real interest in my relationship status. It is my opinion that those who want to point score in this manner perhaps have their own ounce of trouble in paradise and ought to be sorting their own love life out before poking their noses into mine.

There are surveys on dating sites across the globe but, in true matchmaking fashion, the questions seem constructed to produce a set of responses from their members so that they can be neatly pigeon-holed.

The problem, I’ve often found, when asking a specific set of singles what appear random questions is that those queries can be phrased in a manner that will produce predictable results guaranteed to endorse the questionnaire’s stance on the chosen topic. Or, indeed, a different argument, totally unrelated to the survey, to which the quizmaster can reference to back up what, to the uneducated eye, appears an altogether unconnected subject.

So taking a few ‘sample’ questions, here a some witty responses from the book of Zebedeerox to either a. allay the fears of your family, or b. put your inquisitive neighbour’s nose completely out of joint:

Q1. Isn’t it about time you found someone, yet?

a. [Aunt], when I find someone like you, then maybe I’ll think about it
b. [Neighbour], every time I do, they do something that reminds me of you

Q2. By the time I was your age, we were married and had children…

a. I know, [Aunt], but who’d knowingly bring kids into this world?
b. I know – it’s looking at your brats that’s stopping me having kids of my own

Q3. You’re not getting any younger, y’know – isn’t it about time you tied the knot?

a. Nah, [Aunt]; I’m sorting my career before considering wedlock
b. Get married? With all that spare on my dating site – you’re kidding, aren’t you?

So, next time you’re at that Christmas party and you just know that the ‘single’ question is a-coming, you have your set of answers to hand.