Get back on track after breaking up 2

Carrying on from part 1, we conclude with a couple more tips to at least ensure that your first date secures a second. More than that, tips to help you identify possible timewasters, wrapped up in a long-since dead love affair, next to which you’ll have to live up to for the rest of your, or the relationship’s, days, whichever ends soonest.

Be upbeat and not too probing

The key to a good date, in the reconnaissance sense, is to get an overview of your potential partner. At this stage, you do not want to delve deep into any specifics, especially relationships. Would you like to be given the third degree about your divorce on the first date? Absolutely not.

Keeping the conversational tone light and positive will discourage your partner from throwing up barriers, giving you a truer sense of the real them than a guarded view if you take on the role of inquisitor.

Also, you want something to talk about next time. If you’ve done all of the positives to death first time around, the second date will end up focusing on the negatives.

It’s about the two of you

A bout of nervousness is usual for most people before any date, but even worse for those who have grown out of the habit of hooking up for the first time.

You may want to proclaim your new found freedom – you could go on for hours and you probably would – but you’ll be far better off taking stock, gauging feedback and allowing your partner to express themselves during every point of the evening.

It’s understandable that you want to make an impression, but allowing them to paint a picture of themselves as well as you daubing their walls with the colour ‘you‘ will ensure you can make a reasoned assessment of the evening and whether a second date is warranted.

Dating should be fun; try and stay relaxed (not seven sheets relaxed, though), keeping the objective in focus all the way. Be as honest as you can without giving too much away – there’ll be plenty of time for in depth psycho-analysis, if and when your relationship gets that far, down the line.

Getting to know the real them and giving them an insight to what makes you happy is imperative to long term happiness, in any relationship. Be true to yourself, accentuate positives and let them have their say.

If you’ve got it right, just said enough to get them hooked and given them chance to at least outline their profile and the second date is still on, then that’s job done; you can stop worrying what all the fuss was about and get ready for the second date.

Woman to woman

It’s interesting to see what commentators on online dating communicate to their own sex in the way of advice about the opposite sex. For those new to dating, on- or offline, the internet seems full of ‘good’ advice when, sometimes, you learn a longer lasting lesson by making the mistakes first, committing them to memory and, via the modem of self-awareness, use previous experiences as an alert when next put in a similar situation.

Reading through the news tonight, I came across a post by a young lady who literally did catalogue all the ‘dating don’ts‘ regarding how one’s behaviour on a first date may jeopardise a follow-up and how it really is important not to rest on your laurels and picture yourself walking down the aisle just because you’ve secured that second liaison.

I’ll relate them to you here in a sort of bullet-list type way; this is so as not to impart the sympathy I felt for the young poster who, reading between the lines, even if she did extract much of the information from one of thousands of online dating guides and tip articles, related the tale in such a manner as to leave the reader with the impression that she’d been there, done it and was sitting wearing the tee-shirt (and kiss-me-quick-type hat) as she wrote the article. Bless.

Watch what you say and do

At all times, during the first date, the objective, should the subject be worthy, is to secure the second date. You are communicating on all levels, subliminally and expressively – leave him with a good impression

Analyse and repeat

There will be times during the first date when you felt a real connection. What was it about those shared moments that made them memorable? Wash, rinse, dress those points up to the nines and repeat next time.

You’ve won the battle, not the war

Do not be a walkover. Even though you’re on a second or third date, this is not to be considered a relationship. Make him make the effort by not laying your life bear at this stage; stealth is still key.

Conversation for conversion

Keep the topics upbeat and light, focusing on the positive elements of you to which he reacted on the first date. Emphasise your own good points and, at this stage, all the bad-gunky should be left in an iron box locked away at the bottom of a cupboard. If conversation stalls, communicate with flirtatious smiles and smouldering, lingering looks that accentuate your femininity. Oh, and use gaps for listening, too.

Grab the issues, not the tissues

Women struggle to deal head-on with issues about her new man that may arise during the early stages of a relationship. These are generally the aspects of the male personality they think they can change later on. If you don’t like a mannerism, habit or belief, say so. His reaction will be a good insight into how he is prepared to do the other ‘c’ word, compromise. Commitment being the other, for those of you who were thinking otherwise, naughty!

Desperate needs and measures

If you are interested let him know subtly, not by flinging yourself at him or constantly calling/texting him. He’ll initiate further dates if he’s genuinely interested in you and will just get narked if you’re on his case all of the time.

One swallow doesn’t make a summer

Mr Right may take many, many dates to find – go on as many as you have to until you understand what it is that makes men feel good and how you can shape yourself into a woman men would die for. You will make mistakes and dating can mean a huge learning curve for those new to the concept. It’s important that you learn from them but don’t linger on them and definitely do not beat yourself up about it.

Just write it all down in an article, instead.

First date do’s and don’ts – for the two of you

After looking at the first date do’s and don’ts specific to each of the sexes, we will conclude this mini-series with a few hints and tips applicable to the two of you, the first time you take your online dating offline. This is general good advice and is applicable to any liaison when you’re first getting to know someone.

There are times, when you go on a first date, that you can leave and not remember an awful lot about the person you have spent the evening with. Did they hang on your every word or were you talking that much they didn’t even get a word in edgeways? Were they smitten and can’t wait for you to get in touch or are they not calling because you bored them rigid?

It is key that you pay attention to what your date is saying; to do that, you have to give them the chance. Here are a few tips to not only ensure you get the best from your first date, but also give you the best chance of securing that even more critical second encounter. Like buying a house, your first viewing is to test the water, the second is where you really get to know whether you could incorporate it in your lifestyle. Sadly, too few prospects get the second viewing.

The brief is to be brief
When you do talk, do not ramble. Even if you’re relating a chapter of your life (why, on a first date, is the real question), pause for breath. Droning on about yourself is poor form; even when writing, you will lose your audience (in this instance, a very selective one) if you do not interject something they can relate to. If you see a yawn, take the hint.

Be interested
Some people are generally submissive and lack confidence. Take the time to put them at ease, ask relevant questions about what they’ve said. Look them in the eye, engendering trust, building their confidence. Do not put them on a pedastal, however, to bring them crashing down by boasting that you’ve done what they’re proud of with a yak on your back.

Just no-no’s
Don’t invite them to appraise you. Not only may you not like the answer, but it unveils either egotistic undertones or insecurity; neither are positive. Past relationships are best left there whilst you’re trying to build the foundations of a new one. An ex is not a good cornerstone for your new relationship.

Leave a little in the tank
Don’t unburden everything on your new partner first time out – you’ll stand a better chance of keeping the lid on your life if you limit yourself to only a couple of drinks. You want to leave something to talk about next time out, not reveal a warts and all picture of your life to date.

If your date has been an unmitigating failure, say so there and then. You don’t need to go into details, but try and give them something positive to take away, from the night and to bolster their courage for their next attempt – just because they’re not your cup of tea, doesn’t mean they can’t make someone else happy. Conversely, if you’ve had a wonderful time, don’t automatically invite your partner home or ask for a second date. Allow suitable time to get in touch, 36 hours is the new en vogue waiting time from first date to follow up, and even longer for an after-date coffee, no matter how great the temptation.

First date do’s and don’ts – for her

Nobody is ever sure of how a first date will play out, least of all the two parcipants. Your online dating buddies may be gunning for you, but they can’t take your place when it’s just the two of you.

We’ve looked into why there are differnet rules for the sexes when it comes to dating; we’ve told the men how to do it. Now, here’s what we reckon is good for the gander…

There’s Catwoman and Cat Slater
There are times when a woman knows how to get what she wants, understands what little flash will have him on his knees, with his credit card and pin number there for the taking. The first date is not that time, unless you want to spend the evening looking at a bald patch as he says little to you, but his words are echoing plenty down your cleveage. Just a hint of what lies beneath is usually enough to secure a second date, where you can really get to work on his psyche, if that’s your aim. If not, why not?

Be natural
Assuming that you’ve suitably shackled away anything that will have him talking through his manhood rather than his mouth, he will want to look at your face. Men do not like the thought of women spending hours shovelling on ‘crap’ that men don’t understand just so that the woman can look like someone they’re not. More is less – enough to hide any minor blemishes and accentuate those outstanding features is bang on the money

Be natural
Let the guy pay, you know you wanna. Unless he’s been an insufferable bore and by paying your half that is your way of officially terminating the relationship, do not offer. If you genuinely want to buy the guy a drink or meal, the first date, when he’s trying to muster as much bravado as is within, is not the time or place to even mention another liaison.

He will try to be funny.
Although most men are only genuinely hilarious when they strip down to their underwear, they think they are all of the time. If it’s not absolutely too much, humour him on this one occasion, unless you reach the point where you feel like a donkey – you will automatically laugh, even when he’s trying to relate something tragic…

When will I see you again?
Do not mention round 2, even if it’s dropping hints on a film you wouldn’t mind seeing. First dates are carrot-danglers – the man being the ass, the carrot – well, we’ll leave you to work that out. Do not make yourself appear unnecessarily desperate or clingy or available – let him follow up.

Sex on a first date
All you need to know about men, sex and a first date is that: they will. If you want any intrigue to remain, don’t do it. For men, the challenge is over, job done, bring on player 2. It is that simple.

Arrive, date and leave with your purse and dignity in tact, even let him pay for the cab home if he offers. If you don’t make an effort or avail yourself too readily, there will be no second date. Men are really that simple.

online dating – your contract details, please

An article on a US review site recently reported how akin finding a romantic interest online is to searching for a job. Unlike much of the keyword-stuffed tripe that Google chooses to partner with when you subscribe to its feeds and alerts service for online dating and UK dating (so much for its zero-tolerance black hat policy), this article was insightful, well-written and contained some interesting comparisons.

Tailored to the US market, this report highlights the similarities between the constant search for love online and also how alike the backdrop to our respective societies have become. Not only in our attitudes to finding prospective partners online but also the plight of each country’s millions who are struggling to juggle the dole queue with finding a love life, as we approach one of the most romantic times of the year.

What do you do – carry on with your dating site’s subscription fee only to find a love online but be unable to buy them a present for Christmas? Should we be having to sacrifice our search for love for the next meal, as unemployment levels rise?

Well, let’s take a look at the points made in the article, then I’ll add my last point which, as a married person, a single person would may be miss.

your online dating curriculum vitae

Okay, first and foremost is the image you’re trying to portray. It has to ring true with the real you, but you still have license to tweak that image to your target audience. For example, if you are trying to work your way up the ladder, which is true in most cases when submitting your CV, successful candidates tailor their persona to the job requirements. If you have a specific ‘type’ of person you are looking to attract on your dating site, modify your profile to your best guess at what that type will be looking for in a partner.

The words – as important as your image. When running through CV’s, especially on agency databases, matches will come up based on the job requirement and what you have included in your résumé. Dating sites, especially matchmaking sites, use similar algorithms to pair couples from their vast dating site databases.

Clichés are not good. Whether you’re looking for a job or a partner, you have to exhibit an element of your personality that will make you stand out from the crowd. How many profiles do you think dating site voyeurs look through before they hit on one, someone they’ve never met, and feel confident or impressed enough to risk approaching them? Recruiters are the same. Their reputation is at stake and must deliver quality over and above anything that the competition fields, to enhance their chances of repeat business, or a second date, in comparison.

The point that the guy from the US missed? The long-term contract.

If you’re in it for the long haul, you will stand a much better chance of succeeding if your abilities, preferences, ambitions and goals are laid out bare from the outset. Once you sign on that dotted line, there’s no point in complaining about specifics later on that didn’t form part of the contract that you don’t like now. It’s your job, your partner, for better or for worse.