Inject passion into your e-mails to score big in dating

Thanks for coming back to us as we look to see what you can do to get better click-throughs to your dating site profile, hence promoting brand you, on your dating site. Yesterday we looked at highlighting the importance of asking questions to instigate any communiqué, more importantly, in the hope of securing one or two potential partners along the way.

Today, we look at an aspect that will instantly promote you from dating site newbie dullard to experienced singles dater without you really having to learn anything about the (sometimes) weird and whacky world of online dating. And that is simply, find some common ground with another of the singles on site.

This, at first, doesn’t have to be someone with whom you would consider going out on a date with, but someone with whom you can share your common interest with and introduce you to: passion.

if you can talk passionately on any subject, there will almost definitely be someone who can add their own comment or listen intently to what you have to say. And most dating sites have a huge audience that you can potentially broadcast to.

At first, building up trust is one of the stepping stones to getting your first date in the online world of cyber-love. This, like I say, doesn’t have to be the first person you strike up a conversation with. But if you can glean a few snippets about the etiquette on your dating site – if we’re talking Mrs Bucket (pronounced Boo-kay) or Onslow standards – you will know the accepted limits in the chat rooms. You may think that unimportant, but no one likes their toes stepped on.

By injecting passion into your words, you also start to put a piece of you into your writing that you perhaps don’t even realise you’re doing; this is excellent stuff! You may not know it but the person who responds to the passionate you really is connecting with a level beneath anything you could craft into a deliberated personality profile. You stand more of a success finding the right person for you; yet again, you may not notice this at first, but by letting your hair down you also let your guard down a little, too, giving other singles a route in.

It’s difficult to say, this, and even more painful to get your hand and heart around, but if you’ve been hurt before there’s a real good chance you don’t want that to happen; in order to move on, you have to risk letting someone from your dating site in, even if only the slightest little bit.

If you get the entry levels of communication right, combined with a subject that you care deeply and can share intimate details of, you’re onto a winner and you will soon find that you’ve gained a whole new circle of friends who not only see you as one of them, but as a leader, too.

Join me over the rest of the weekend when we conclude with a look at other aspects to filter into your e-mails, such as humour, confidence and belonging, into the posts.

Thanks for listening; keep in touch with yourself. xxx

Dating site turn offs – what not to share

Match.com recently conducted its second Singles in America study which we ran an overview of here on dating.org.uk a little while ago with the promise of embellishment upon these bones of the online dating industry as and when they became available during the course of the month.

Enough time has passed, it seems, for the renowned doctors, therapists and dating sites scientists to have dissected this information, drawn their conclusions and put them together in some type of meaningful format for the US singles market.

With the US economy little better off than our own, it is fair to assume that the results will have some relevance to the UK dating scene – how much you will only be able to judge for yourself as we interpret the statistics and percentages proposed by the giant of global dating with perhaps just a nod of acknowledgment to the 5,000 US singles who took part in the gruelling 135 question survey.

So, now you know from whence the information was gleaned, let’s get stuck into the sub-categories. The scientists chosen each had relevant experience in their niche and in homage to the construction of the survey, those doctors and therapists and relation experts have all stuck to their own field in providing their summaries.

We start with an appraisal by Dr Justin Garcia, scientific advisor to the dating site for the last two years, of the aspects of your dating site profile and offline dating behaviour that is going to kill any relationship stone dead before it’s even inhaled its first romantic breath. In other words, the deal breakers. There are several, and some more relevant to singles in some age ranges of the dating site membership than to others.

Being of US origin, the results contain several percentages relating to the adjudged panel’s answers but I will do my best to refer to them only when necessary; that many figures in an article make the news look like a maths exam and only geeks like those. Apologies to all the geeks, but that’s just not on.

In the following articles, we’ll take on board what US singles will just not put up with in their partners; article 2 will get their views on hygiene, article 3 will be about communication and bedroom Olympics – yeah, like trying to get a man to talk after sex in the UK dating scene’s ever gonna happen. Link to article two, here; article three – if you want forget about the dirty bits and just get straight down to the, well, dirty bits, here on Sunday, along with parenthood and distance relationships. See you over the page.

Darling, dirty sex doesn’t mean you don’t have to wash it

With the global dating industry worth $2bn, according to one recent study, it is safe to assume that whilst chatting to prospective partners you will come across many singles who just don’t do it for you. Sometimes you just can’t put your finger on why you’re not taken with another single, whereas other times it’s just staring you (and everyone else) in the face, except the lovelorn single who’s having no luck with any of his or her dating sites.

These instances, these absolute no-no’s, are called the deal-breakers in America speak. Details in one recent study conducted by Match.com of 5,000 of its membership suggest that there are many, but some deal-breakers are more equal than others.

Hygiene, to you and me, is just one of those things that you do. You may not feel like it sometimes, but you know how devastating it would be not only to your love life but to your career and social standing if you let these standards slip. Especially if you are a very pristine (that’s a nice way of saying vain) person who takes better than average care of the way they look. And smell.

Unsurprisingly, the unkempt person was berated by all age ranges in the Singles in America study, but there was most definitely a pattern. For the youngest bracket in the survey, the twenty-somethings, only 55% of them said that someone who was lax in their appearance would be a definite write-off as a date. Take the same query to the other end of the scale, the baby boomers, and hygiene matters a whole lot more. If you let your cleanliness slip when you reach retirement, you will have isolated yourself from a massive 8 out of 10 seniors in your age range on your dating site. According to those figures, expectations raise considerably with age.

The general feeling toward the scruffy single is that, if they cannot put together a smart appearance to attract someone in the first place, what consideration are they going to show to anyone unfortunate enough to give them a try on their dating site? Okay, it may be a habit that a partner slips into once you’ve been together for a while and they become illness- or unemployment-stricken, but when you’re setting out down the dating path and you encounter this type of offensive filth, you do not want to have to explain the importance to someone who should know better at their age.

To be fair, if they have been poorly or just got back into work, they may not have noticed their standards slip, and you may want to risk having a discreet word with them early doors about the problem. How they react to your suggestion will obviously determine whether you continue dating them, or not. If they are ignorant of their hygiene, you may want to risk it. If they react badly, they are possibly in denial – that’s up to you then to decide whether they possess the maturity to change or whether you let them go figure it out for themselves and leave it to the next member of your dating site community to find out whether they made good on any promises.

Getting your message through to your online partner

Whether you like it or not, communication is vital unless you want to lock yourself away in a lighthouse on your own for the rest of your life. My guess is, as you’re reading an article on a dating site, that’s not the case.

Each and every day, you’re involved in levels of communication that can take on very different characteristics. Before you leave for work, you could be dropping your child off at daycare, kissing a loved one goodbye or trying to get one of your teenage offspring to brush their hair or, even worse, put a coat on.

When you get to work, likewise. You could be embroiled in an argument with your logistics manager, have to smarm to a boss you’re not so impressed by or even watch your p’s and q’s if you’re summoned by the MD.

However different all of these confrontations or pleasantries may seem, they all have a similarity that is uncommon with any conversation you may have later with someone on your dating site: in each and every instance, the person with whom you’re holding that tête-à-tête knows you.

The art of communicating love over the miles of cyberspace on your chosen dating platform requires a different angle altogether, purely down to the fact that you’re trying to attract someone (or drop them like a housebrick) who hasn’t got the advantage of being able to read your body language, which, according to many experts, can count for up to as much as 90% of any given signal that you’re sending out.

Although you may not realise it, your bosses, children and even parents are constantly analysing the mood you’re in before approaching you, assessing the situation based on your pre-existing relationship and then adapting their tone, accordingly. Don’t believe me? Ask them. Or better still, when next you’re opening a conversation with someone you know, see how much time you spend appraising them before you commit to your opening line and how much their demeanour affects your tone, even affects what you actually say.

Take that onto your dating site when you’re sending private messages or e-mails, look at what you’ve written – even better, think about it before you write anything – and read your text and how it will be interpretted by the recipient who’s not got the advantage of being able to translate your body language before they open the correspondence. Does it say what you mean? Worth thinking about, no?

Communication – do we know how to do it any longer?

Communication is the key to almost everything we do, from the minute we wake up in the morning taking in the radio alarm until we say goodnight and curl up into bed – and pretty much everything in between. Without it, we would be starved of human contact and probably go ever-so slightly around the twist.

For many singles who go to work, clock on and clock off and interact with very few people either on the way, or indeed whilst they’re there, getting back home to log on to their dating site is nothing short of a relief. But does a lack of communication during the day lead to shortcomings in the ability to talk to others on a dating site platform?

Being able to interpret, digest and understand what you are being asked is not only essential to the way you respond, but can also be critical to the way an online relationship develops. To ensure you’re getting the best from your private messages and e-mails, here are a few definitions of the different aspects of online interaction that could possibly lead to your next prospective partner sending you a response or moving on to the next one of a million other possible dates on the site.

Are we talking about the same thing?

If something you are being asked on your dating site doesn’t quite make sense, be sure that you and your partner are on the same wavelength. You may be absolutely sure you’re communication is up to scratch, but not everyone may be as articulate or as conscious of what they are writing as you are. Before ‘flaming’ your online partner, be totally sure that they have said what they mean, and you the same.

Your feelings or events that have happened during the course of the day to either sully the mood or elate you can often affect emotions. If you are highly emotive before logging on to your dating site that can lead to complications further down the line. If your mood is overcast by a cloud of misery, that will translate into your text and float across cyberspace putting prospective partners at arms length. If you are, by contrast, overly excitable as you browse, you may come across as dippy or, worse, invite contact from people who you may regret opening up the line of communication to in the cold light of day.

Onwards and upwards

So you’ve hammered that stake in the ground, learnt the lessons from 2011, have got the scars to prove it and promised faithfully that you’re not going to make the same mistakes with your love life in 2012 that you did last year.

Great – good start. But how do you make good on those promises?

This year, be bold. There’s a saying: it’s a small world. And that’s not just about bumping into people from the same home town as you when you vacation 4,000 miles away. It’s happening all around you, every day.

The way you handle people, the way they assess you – you may not realise it, but other people judge you on that basis, even if it is not them you’re directly involving yourself with at that given moment. Be it on your dating site, at the gym or in the office, you may be carrying on in a manner that’s putting off your perfect partner but you don’t recognise them, just yet. Everything’s relative – you’d better believe it.

Of course, all this may not be your fault, directly. If the environment in which you find yourself is causing you to act in a certain way, putting up barriers, reacting coldly or rashly if you don’t truly grasp what’s being asked of you, it will cause you to be constantly on the defensive.

With the odd exception, everyone we interact with is human. You may find that you have an impression of another person perhaps gleaned from something you’ve heard or because someone with whom you work holds a certain opinion. Never judge people until you have taken the time to interact with them personally. The strangest friendships have grown from the seeds of hostility; we all need relationships, be they in the real world or in the world of online dating.

Can you imagine logging in to your dating site and finding that you’ve been totally ignored – that no one has responded to your e-mails or invitations to chat?  Of course not.

However, unless you are able to communicate your true self, your heartfelt feelings, you will end up turning people away who you know are not what you’re looking for but, in their absence, the people who you are looking for may not be finding you because you’re giving the wrong signals or are not taking the time to develop any of the relationships any further than the intial communication.

Online dating can be like finding a needle in a haystack but, at the risk of clichéing myself out, mighty oaks from little acorns grow. Relationships are very much the same.

This year, take the time out to communicate, genuinely, with someone who you normally wouldn’t, even if it’s just to pass on the benefit of your experience. It may help them out of a jam and they, in turn, may return the favour, leading to pathways you would never have discovered had you not taken the time out beforehand.

Dating sites and relationships are like so many things in life – you get out of them what you put in; put nothing in and, well, need I say any more?

2012 – building bridges to a new start.

Keep in touch with yourself

In the part three of this mini-series for online dating newbies, we’d like to underline the importance of communication – not just with other members, but keeping your information fresh and relevant so that your dating profile reflects the real you at all times.

Life changes and, as is true with anyone who wants to get more from life, we all look to improve our circumstances.

Obviously, as you’re perusing dating sites, your love life is one aspect that you’ve identified as an area that ‘could do better’.

But if academically, socially or, perhaps more importantly for this exercise, your career can move through a few gears, let the world know about it.

Attract a better class of correspondent

There are millions of dating site members across the world – some sites on their own have in excess of seven-figure sign-ups. You need to make yourself stand out from this crowd and attract the partner you deserve.

Your cause will be aided no end by matchmaking sites who pair singles based upon their looks, personality and achievements. If you are promoted at work, let the whole dating site community in on your good news; the more positive you can be – in your outlook as well as your profile – the more chance you have of enticing a better class of correspondent.

You will attract ‘hopefuls’ and ‘spammers’

As you progress and get into the world of online dating (it is very addictive) and your status and the level of trust others place in you grows, you will get messages from members who, not to put too fine a point on it, are several leagues below you or just blitzing members with an e-mail template.

Always remember that they may be where you were when you first started your illustrious dating career. They may not have had the benefit of a ‘how-to’ guide like this to help them get that first step on the ladder. Please, feel free to direct them here, if it’s apparent they’re dating site newbies.

Remember to remain courteous at all times and do not just ignore their advances (unless, in the unlikely event that you have thousands to answer – I say unlikely as most dating sites will impose a limit if they see your inbox getting too full). Here, you can draft a pre-written template to respond to them, but make it sincere and polite. Something along the lines of: “It’s great that you’ve taken the time to get in touch, but, having browsed your profile, you’re not really what I have in mind for a partner, right now.”

Of course, the other time you don’t want to be contacted – by anyone – is if you think you’ve cracked it and found your perfect partner and it’s time to take your profile down.

This mini-series will conclude with an article to help you decide if it’s time to leave the world of online dating behind, or not.