Facial make up to blame for beer goggle bed-partners

Who is the biggest minger you’ve ever woken up next to? C’mon, there has to be a few skeletons in that old cupboard of yours, eh? No? I am surprised. Many a time whilst dating in Wolverhampton women have perched a pair of beer goggles on the end of my nose, put me to sleep, robbed my memory and set their badger on me to crap in my mouth whilst I’ve been asleep in their bed for the very first (and absolute last) time. And the money they’ve taken!

The least they could do is let me leave still wearing the beer goggles so I didn’t have to visualise the travesty of my actions. But oh no, they take them back and hide them in the morning, too, so that the full spectacle has unravelled behind heavy carbon ball-bearing eyeballs whilst Mr Brain, craving coffee, reminds me to find out which dating site this particular woman uses so that I can cancel my membership.

However, new research suggests that this habit of becoming extremely friendly whilst wearing Stella-specs is perhaps not all of my fault. And neither can it be said of the young ladies who have had the misfortune of meeting me when I’ve been ‘in beer’ that the terrible first date fumble has been entirely their fault – they ought to at least put a true photo on the dating site profile or not bring a less-than-pretty mate along with them to make them look good!

Sorry, yes – symmetry, my friends. Being Libran, I can identify with the results in the latest research carried out at Roehampton Uni – everything must be balanced in equal parts before it looks right. But there has been an association with a person’s ability to detect perfect symmetry and how they are drawn to love by la visage parfait.

Why do I never get invited to this sort of research panel: Dr Lewis Halsey was given charge of a study to determine how people react when judging another’s lines of symmetry and then adding alcohol to see where that got the students?

The result is that, when you’re sober, you can judge the aspects of a face and make a reasonable stab at assessing whether a partner is pretty or not. But by adding alcohol, those lines get bleary and the ability to make reasoned judgement disappears faster than your credibility once the lads find out. People cannot appraise symmetry when under the influence and, being mostly affable pups we assume (though on what grounds I’m unsure) that we like this person in a reciprocal way if they’re coming on to you or, as an older sexual deviant that ought to know better, if they’re not.

So, next time you wake up next to someone and your immediate thought is ‘WTF?’, you can always blame being pi-eyed on Pythagoras and look for the right angle to get out of there sharpish if she’s not acute little thing.

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