Category Archives: Online Dating

Dating site dementors officially vanquished

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The stigma that surrounds the world of online dating has officially been put to bed, according to recent reports coming out of the US, following both scientific research and the success of iDate Miami 2012.

No sooner has dating land shed its undesirable cloak, however, than matchmaking sites are finding themselves coming under attack from some corners of the scientific world on two counts.

At the recent iDate Miami conference – the first of three meetings by the giants of online dating scheduled for this year – there was a heated panel discussion surrounding the merits of calculations and algorithms that were used to select potential partners based on information provided by the individual single when he/she signs up.

The doubt has been cast upon the relevance of how this information is used to couple the dating site members, especially when the volumes of singles looking to fall in love online are so immense. According to Julie Spira in a recent article she wrote for the Huffington Post, everyone now knows a couple who got together via on online dating site or another.

Furthermore, she went on to add in the article that, whilst attending a recent Super Bowl bash, two of the three couples she became engaged with were together thanks to two of the more niche dating sites, namely Jdate and Fitness Singles.

The crux of the current debate, as far as one can make out, is that the professors are now viewing matchmaking sites, who present a range of probable complimentary suitors to any given single based on the information they enter on their hit-list requirement, as a supermarket sweep rather than a way to find ‘the one’, which is how it all began. To be fair, I don’t think anyone in their wildest dreams, when dating sites started to go mainstream, ever hoped for a global $2bn turnover, but that’s where we are with it, now.

Of course, there is objection from those who claim to have dreamt up the strings of logic to produce the matches, both from the CEO’s trying to deflect harm from their brand and the dating site scientists who have achieved prominence on the back of algorithmic love.

There’s an absolute ton of stuff on this topic, so join me for the rest of the week when we’ll be dissecting the frogging life out of all the mumbo jumbo and see what it means for you, the dater.

The party’s postponed for the men in little white coats

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See, now this is a headline that CEOs of static dating websites the world over will just not want to read. Following years of trying to shake of the stigma that has prevented many a single desperate for love from entering their credentials into an online dating facility, the moment that they finally achieve that goal, with 2012 officially seeing the death of dating site dementors, they are being told that static dating websites are dead and that the future of dating is on mobile devices, instead.

Don’t know about you, but at the drop of this news you can almost hear the post-stigmata party being prematurely ended with a solitary parp of a trumpet. And hear that one technician laughing gutsily alone, the news not yet filtered through to her, as the scientists, still in their white coats , turn silently as one before being ushered back below ground into a sterile environment to start recoding the dating site so that people can have the same experience on their Smartphone as they do on a static online dating site. The laughter finally stops.

These CEOs will claim a small victory, though. And so they should – it has taken years to cast off the cloak it adorned at the public’s behest. Now more than ever, with ten percent of US citizens hitting dating sites every month, the impact of the medium they have developed patiently in their underground laboratories has changed the way the world dates forever.

CNBC in the US recently hosted Love at first byte – an insider view into the unseen world of online dating. What they discovered was not, as one would expect, a world of fluffy pink pillows and love hearts adorning every wall. Contrarily, the image portrayed envisions a chaotic place, a world of psychologists’ couches, main-frame computers, blackboards with lengthy equations chalked onto the slate, forever being rubbed out and perfected. And IT guys with a hand on the socket, awaiting the ‘turn in off and on again’ request that’s a short moment away.  Stephen King, stretched on one of the couches, soaking it all in before he turns the scenaro into another million+ best-seller.

It is these armies of boffins and IT technicians that have brought the world of online dating to the fore, piggybacking on the rise of hyper-connectivity in a world where everyone has at least two social media accounts, accessible from Android, Blackberry and iOS platforms. And now that the men in white coats have finally cracked it, brought their paymasters that tag of ‘social acceptance’ to the niche, technology has outpaced them.

If you can download an app, and there are many that, utilising GPS, can even ping you whilst you’re out and about to let you know that someone else from your dating site is in the vicinity, carrying a hand-held device or not having to put aside time that eats into your night to find someone is a far more productive way for the single masses to date than the alternative.

The party’s over for the time being for the dating site scientists, but you can bet that they’ll be back with something soon that’ll change the game, again. With $2bn – and growing – up for grabs, there’s a lot at stake for the men in the little white coats.

US twice as likely to meet spouse online dating than in bar

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The chances are, if you’re a married person in the US, the bar or club is one of the last places you met your spouse. It’s true, at least according to a recent survey that was completed by CMB on behalf of Match.com. And that figure is dropping. In fact, you were half as likely to have met your partner at church as you were in one of the afore mentioned hostelries. And you were more than twice as likely to have met your long-term partner on a dating site.

The exact figures (for 2009/2010) for those categories, for those who like to see the statistics in black and white, are as follows:
• 8% of married couples independently surveyed stated that they’d met in the boozer
• 4% had met whilst they were at church – that definitely rules the UK being part of the survey, then, as I doubt 4% of the population, let alone married couples, regularly attend the place of worship of their faith
• 17% met whilst online dating

Okay, all studies can prove whatever you want them to; the criteria for this particular study of 7,000 US citizens was that they were 18+ and had been married in the last five years, but there may well have been other qualifying criteria that’s not detailed. You’ve probably had a go at taking part in online surveys yourself.

For example, most surveys have qualifying questions before you can take part, such as age, income, sex – you know the drill. How often have you filled in the qualifying criteria and the next screen has said something along the lines of: “Sorry, but we have all of the qualifying information from your sector that we need.”

That’s pure BS. What it should say is: “Sorry, but your ‘band’ is unlikely to deliver the answers the people paying us a lot of money to host this survey are looking for and if we don’t deliver, they won’t get the ‘evidence’ they need, so won’t use us again. You’re out of here!”

No doubt there is a ‘qualifying’ question, such as ‘have you ever used paid dating sites?’, for this type of survey.  If your answer was in the affirmative, you’re past the gatekeeper; if negatory, the bouncer is apt to decline your entry with a ‘not tonight, sonny’.

Anyway, for what it’s worth, the answers of the dating site survey strongly suggest that meeting your future spouse is still a lot more likely through someone in your family or a friend (27%) or at work (or for childhood sweethearts, school) 38%. That last statistic is quite huge, actually.

Based on that assumption, for every ten married people you know at work, (almost) four of them met their husband/wife in a similar work situation. Well, guys and gals, if you’re single and have a job (in the UK, for youngsters using online dating as a way to meet their first serious partner, the former is definitely more guaranteed than being in employment, sad as is the case), it seems well worth putting your glad rags on to go to the office if you’re looking for a long-term relationship.

Grindr hacked, sensitive men’s bits slipped into wrong hands

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If you’ve followed dating.org.uk‘s ‘news’ for some time, you’ll know that we’re hot on dating site security. If there’s a new app or extension we learn about, we try to let you know about it as soon as we do.

So when we saw this latest post about a breach of dating site security, we naturally checked it out. However, we were quite surprised when we comprehended the nature and depth of this particular security breach; it wasn’t directly another story of woe about an innocent victim who’d been taken in by a false dating site profile purporting to be a genuine love seeker and given them their life savings.

This breach of security was on a much larger scale and targeted a dating app rather than an online dating site. And we’re not just talking one or two people – according to one recent report, 100,000 users on gay dating site Grindr not only had their dating profile hacked by one unscrupulous individual but also then had the indignity of the identity thief pretend to be them on the dating site.

This is the second such report of dating site hacking on a large scale this year. Grindr is specifically for gay gentlemen who can download the app on their Smartphone and be notified when another subscriber to the service is in the vicinity. A little bit like a booster to their inherent gaydar, if you like.

As well as any financial information the hacker may have had access to, the hacker was able to see all of their tagged ‘favourites’, update, delete and amend details of their dating profile and user photo, chat to other members pretending to be the registered member as well as seeing who’d been sending them what photos and actually impersonate their favourite and hold a conversation with them.

Needless to say, Grindr got to work on their security system as the amount of damaging information that was accessed – well, in the wrong hands personal chats, photos and adventures into the land of promiscuity could be lethal if it belonged to an authoritative figure. A mandatory update was issued, after the Sydney Morning Herald interviewed an anonymous dating site security expert who revealed that Grindr – and its lesbian/heterosexual offshoot Blendr – had hardly any security whatsoever. As such, it was no surprise that such large scale penetration was easy on the gay site. Ooh, err.

The other dating site to recently have had its security breached was Tuff Scruff, a site ran by the fairer sex on Tumblr (has evryone forgotten their e’s?) who like a bit of fluff around their men’s chins. After being hacked, the ladies logged on to find that photos of their facially-haired fancy-men had been switched for women revealing bearded clams, rather than the bearded faces of their dreamboats.

No security system is 100% safe. If you want to keep your dating life online completely separate from the real you, we have some excellent advice coming next from around the world of online security that you can impart on your dating site, or for any other online persona you wish to create.

The dating site problem – cause, effect and solution: answer

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The problem, as we’ve discussed in the first two articles, is how do dating sites retain market share when their success stories – those members who’ve found their product works – leave as soon as it does?

Well, let’s look at three of the biggest dating sites out there: Zoosk, Match.com and eHarmony. First, take a look at last year’s returns, then what their plans for 2012 are and how they affect you, the dating site member.

They all work in a similar way – you can browse for free, but then you have to commit to £20/month (ish) to get in touch with anyone who takes your fancy. Longevity of contracts differ, but that aspect of their business is very much of a muchness. It’s how each site views its members and what they’ve got in store which will shake up the 2012 dating market (or not, in some instances).

It’s fair to say that, whereas Zoosk has a massive pool of membership feeding off facebook’s getting on for a billion membership, the other two have had to build, or acquire, their memberships, granted. But it’s also fair to say that once Match.com and eHarmony get you paired off, you, the couple, are nothing more than a marketing tool for the companies’ success rates. This is where Zoosk hope to change the level of the playing field.

Match.com, by their own admission, target their efforts into delivering the best experience for the user whilst they’re single so that, should they meet up with someone and disappear for a while, as soon as they’re single again, they’ll be straight back online dating with them. Apparently, this is true of 50% of its membership.

eHarmony, similarly, is looking to enhance its existing dating site membership’s experience.  Early in Spring they plan to release a facebook app that will merge the two timelines. Nice feature, but you’re not going to entice members to continue paying their fees when they’re in a relationship and they can get facebook free, without eHarmony’s influence.

This is where Shayan Zadeh and Alex Mehr of Zoosk want to make a difference. Instead of focusing on their entrepreneurial efforts the site as it is – they have 100 developers doing that for them at any given time – but they want to introduce features that will be useful to couples after they’ve got together. In essence, it’s akin to LinkedIn, the job and professional networking social site. You may not actively be looking for work, but you never take your profile down and you do nip in from time to time on the off-chance (that you will work out how to use it properly, this time).

You can see why, out of the three, Zoosk is the fastest growing and although they’ve still a way to go before they catch up with the other two giants in the online dating world, with facebook at their back, new innovations and an unparalleled vision of the market, you can bet everyone else is looking back over their shoulders.

Some of the ideas tossed in the couple-retention pot so far are anniversary gifts, discountable products, such as dining for two, scrapbooks for their uploaded dating site photographs and, perhaps most beneficial of all, relationship advice. This could be key for people who’re getting together after a long time being single or having been widowed. And, providing the couple do not stop their membership fee, all these extras will be offered at no further cost.

Now, that’s what I call growing a business from within. Cost effective customer retention so that if the couple stay together, they’re on the dating site, if they break up, they’re there, too. Guys, pure genius. Told you 2012 will be different. You bet.

The dating site problem – cause, effect and solution: cause

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Although online dating has seen unprecedented numbers of new sign-ups over the last two years, the shape of the industry and what it does has not changed in any great manner.

It’s true.  Okay, many of the new dating sites springing to the fore from the far reaches of cyberspace do now have a very ‘social media’ look and feel to the way they operate and in the experience gained by the dating site member.

But, let’s face it, was isn’t social media influencing these days? Recent psychological analyses suggest that many people, especially the younger generation who have grew up with the evolving platform, are struggling to separate themselves in the real world from their persona online. In contrast, those of us who have seen the internet grow throughout our own adulthood still see the medium as escapism, especially when we can be creative with ourselves on matchmaking and dating sites.

It’s true. I cannot believe – and I still can’t, no matter how much I try to get my head around it – that someone pays me to write for the Internet. Dream job, or what? I love to write and the Internet, well. Is it real? For those who suffered the days of dial up, the version we have now is nothing more than a playground. But for business?

Well – let me tell you now – online dating is BIG business and (trust me when I say this now) it is going to get bigger. Starting right now, in 2012, dating sites will grow exponentially unlike at any time in their history. Why?

It’s all because of two Iranian guys who know the dating site market and know the Internet. They have learnt from previous lives that businesses grow through existing customers rather than try to attract new ones over and over and over again, which has been a problem for dating sites since the first tentative conversations on AOL started in mainstream chat-rooms fifteen years ago.

But that has always been the problem – if you are a successful dating site, your customers leave you, using their subscription fees instead to feather their own nests to hopefully furnish the matrimonial home. Well, that depends upon which site you use and what you want to gain from the experience, obviously, but that is usually the barometer of success by which the top dating sites are measured. So, that’s the problem identified. Now, what to do about it.

These two guys have cracked it, the established dating sites are looking over their shoulders. Over the course of the next two articles, I’ll try to explain why. Gad Zoosk!

The dating site problem – cause, effect and solution: effect

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So, we’ve identified the problem facing the world of online dating: every time their product is successful, two of their customers are gone, maybe never in the market for it again. Because of this issue, according to one recent study by Ibisworld, the global dating industry has grown 1% in five years.

I was shocked at that figure at first – thought: that can’t be right. You read of record numbers of sign ups and the annual internet dating industry growing to $2bn – the sector has got to have grown more than that, surely. But, no.

As dating sites refine their product through research, customer polls and reaction to market trends, the product they offer gets better. It has to, purely down to the amount of competition every dating site on the internet faces.

So if you’re making your product better, how do you retain your market share whilst growing your bottom line to satisfy your share- and stakeholders, to then further research how to make it even better to rinse and repeat the whole process? Whack on a whole chunk of expenditure for advertising because you have to replace two customers for every one relationship, the conundrum gets more head-scratch-worthy.

In as far as keeping the shareholders happy, this shouldn’t be a problem. If you’re constantly improving your product, providing that the development costs are less than the capital gains, you’ll be in profit. If you have a customer who’s happy with your service, price, within reason, is not even an issue. Ask anyone in business and they’ll tell you exactly the same. However, there is not an infinite number of ways you can refine searches or add pretty, flashy decor to a site and still retain your dating site brand recognition.

There are exceptions to the rule. Take your high-end dating sites, for example. Cost, for the members there, is simply not an issue. The members pay four-figure premiums per month in return for the site doing all the ground work whilst they get on earning a stash, meaning all they have to do, once they’ve been accepted at one-to-one interview level, is turn up and start dating.

The rule these matchmaking sites are exempt from is fluctuation and guesswork of how much of the market share they can secure. High end dating sites tend to have a maximum membership level, are staffed accordingly, use reputation for the bulk of their advertising and probably turn down more people than they allow to sign up, such is the demand for this executive dating service.

Which brings us back to the ‘growth from within’ conundrum for the mainstream dating site: how do you remain successful without losing your customer base?

All will be revealed in the final piece of the jigsaw: answer

Dating site numbers increase, but so do the fraudsters

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Over the years, especially in more recent enlightened and hyper-connected times, cyberspace has joined thousands upon thousands of couples together over the Internet through its myriad dating sites. As thousands of newbies join the world of online dating for the first time every day, it is sad to report that they are joined by a whole new breed of scammers waiting behind beautiful dating site profiles just waiting to alleviate them of any spare change – and a whole lot more – that they happen to have lying about doing nothing in particular.

According to one recent study, by leading online fraud outfit Iovation, the number of instances dating site frau has been detected has risen a huge 150% in line with the popularity of turning to the Internet to find love.

The report goes into some detail of how the fraudsters are operating. The bogus ‘unclaimed inheritance’, whereby the dating site member is asked for a fee to release the cash immediately to them if they are prepared to pose as the ‘only surviving victim’ of an imaginary stash of cash left in a bank vault in Africa is still quite a popular ruse. But people are becoming wise to this type of communiqué. It is the actual credit card information that they are starting to target, now – these large, organised gangs are becoming more savvy. There was a time when, through fear of being traced, they would only ever ask for money to be wired from outside the dating site’s confines, as this was totally untraceable, but now they are, according to the report, becoming more blaze and going for the jackpot, straight off.

To protect dating sites and their membership, webmasters can purchase software from Iovation which shows up bogus and fraudulent transactions using the ReputationManager 360 package. In 2010, 1.4% of transactions on dating sites implementing the program were found to be illegal. The 2011 comparative figure was 3.8% – considering the industry is worth $2bn dollars annually, you get some idea of the amount of actual we are talking about.

The realisation of a standard of minimum security for dating sites will hopefully be enforced one day soon, but for free dating sites, that may just be a bridge too far for their cash-flow. Income from advertising, except in exceptional businesses, very often does not stretch much further than the running costs and a (decent-ish) salary for said webmaster.

If new legislation is passed that means the end of the free dating site but also significantly cuts down on that 3.8% figure, surely the winners will be the online daters themselves and, of course, webmasters who take the security of their clients seriously. Win-win, if ever there was such a case.

The third person is not your ideal first choice date

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According to one recent study, fifty percent of adults across the pond have reported knowing someone who initially began their relationship online. However, startling new insights into the results – namely what happened after dating began – perhaps show that not all dating site relationships end up happily ever after.

On the day before Valentine’s Day, results were published of a survey that Euro RSCG Worldwide had commissioned. The marketing group surveyed 1,000 individuals, twenty percent of whom admitted to having had a sexual encounter or starting seeing a partner whom they had met via a dating site or other online platform.

In a separate report, you start to recognise the evidence pile up against seeing someone who is an avid user of dating sites. Thirty three percent of those questioned in the second survey were aware of relationships that had been brought to a grinding halt because of one half of the couple’s continued actions online. And the same set of individuals confirmed, or at least a motion-carrying seventy five percent of them anyway, that stepping outside the lines of relationship etiquette on a dating site whilst going steady was tantamount to infidelity.

Norm Yustin, Group President for RSCG Chicago, reflected on the results and how the online world – one was totally separate to the day-to-day offline world, is now becoming such a very real part of everyday life that it’s becoming difficult to separate the two. Or, at least the influence of cyberspace in any real sense on the way individuals react to each other.

The whole concept of online dating is based on an element of untruth. Very few dating site members ever write a 100% truthful dating profile. Two university professors who teach in human communication, sampled 78 matchmaking site profiles – eighty percent of them exaggerated or were conservative with the truth at one time or another during their online experience.

Here’s something to look out for next time you’re eyeing up a potential partner online – if they are using negatives to precede their adjectives – i.e., rather than say they’re handsome, they say they’re not ugly – it’s a good chance they’re hiding something. When questioned about themselves to anything that’s not fully explained in their dating profile, the answer will be brief and they will shy away from addressing themselves in the first person, as if they are physically distancing their online persona away from the real them in a defiant act of escapism.

The theory behind their lack of self-expression or description is quite simple – the less lies they tell about themselves, the less chance they have of being found out or tripped up later on if they’ve forgotten a little bit of fantasy they’ve thrown in previously.

So, folks – expressive, consistent people who use the site less often when they’re in a relationship but who are on your dating site when they’re single are the ones to go for! Good luck – the won’t stay single very long, according to all reports.

Those three little words – i Pad 2

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Would you Adam and Eve it, but there’s a dating site app been launched by Cupidtino purely for Apple device owners. That’s right – any other Smartphone users are going to be left out in the wilderness east of Eden this Valentine’s Day as prospective members cannot even sign up unless they have a device that supports the ‘beautiful hardware and software designs‘ associated with the Mac name.

There is something not quite right resounding from the pages of the site as the only real love affair going on (so far as Blackberry or Android users are concerned) is the one the web’s creators have with the legacy left by the late, great Steve Jobs.

Almost anyone who’s reading this will have, at some point, browsed a matchmaking site, heck probably even signed up for one or two of the dating sites that match you and a potential partner on the grounds of career, lifestyle choice, goals, ambitions or what you want from your next relationship.

To qualify as the most sought after single on Cupidtino, however, you are matched and rated on ‘Appleness’. Must be something to do with the dual core on the iPhone 4S, I guess. It’s absolutely true.

In place of the usual questions that would perhaps prompt a new dating sign up for their favourite band, hottest A-list star, football team or career ambition, this dating site asks its membership their favourite iTunes playlist or what’s queuing up in their Netflix. Even the name of the dating site is derived from Cupertino, Apples HQ in CA and that little rogue cupid.

There are fetish dating sites for rubber, feet (should have put ‘sole’, there really, would have fit nicely in with the Apple theme; ne’er mind), sadomasochism and dominatrices – those you can perhaps understand. But for the love of hard- and software? Must be some form of BASIC instinct.

Well, if you’re tempted by the Apple-only dating site, please, give it a go. Let us know if, as the sign up stage states, it is for people who have better taste. On second thoughts, the thought of some sending me a Valentine’s Day card with iLoveU on it? Maybe not.

Forgive the sentiment, but, come on – it’s Valentine’s Day

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Well, happy Valentine’s Day, one and all! With any luck, you have been inundated this morning and have a recycling bin full of envelopes and enough Valentine’s Day cards to wallpaper the spare room. If not, add this very special Valentine’s wish from me, print it off and pop it on your mantelpiece along with a sloppy wet kiss. xxx

However, it seems that more than half of the country are not looking forward to the day as it only reminds them of the fact that they are single. Well, isn’t that the point? Certainly, dating sites feel the heat on Valentine’s Day, with singles from across the globe desperate to fall in love and share their love, even with complete strangers over the distance of cyberspace.

It’s a great time for bringing couples closer together, too, especially if they’ve not been seeing eye to eye. It’s a white flag day, time for a truce and to just enjoy each others company and remember why it was you got together in the first instance.

But why should this one day have such a pacifying effect on stormy relationships? How come couples who are joined at the hip can fall impossibly even more in love with each other for the day? And why do so many singles who would otherwise not dream of it feel brave enough to part with their hard-earned dough by risking their reputation and possible friendships by declaring their love for some unsuspecting other single on this day more than any other, whether it be way of an e-mail, a card sent incognito or a private message on a dating site?

Despite the objections of those who would rather skulk and pour scorn on the day of lovers, last year love-struck nationals from every country across the globe sent over one billion cards. In the UK alone, we spent £20M, weighing down postmen’s sacks. That’s without taking into account the thousands of roses and other flowers, meals and take-aways, boxes of chocolates other keepsakes and mementos of the most romantic day of the year.

Today is a time for letting the real world run its course without you, for once. Devote yourself to your partner; vie for the love of another who may not yet know the depth of your feelings for them. If you think you are stuck because you do not have a partner and stand no chance of meeting someone in time, there are thousands of single dating site members across the world who would love to share the sentiment of the day with you, even if you cannot be with them physically.

The world of online dating was almost made for just such an occasion. Don’t miss out, be a part of the massive e-love-ution evolution that is Valentine’s Day – you have absolutely nothing to lose and you could, today of all days, find your perfect match in minutes to last you a lifetime.

Ever wonder if you “could do better” with online dating?

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As much as we extol the virtues of online dating, we have to hold our hands up and say: ‘it’s not for everyone’. Or rather, it’s perhaps not for everyone who expects the world of dating online to be like the old way, which was meeting someone at work or in a bar or that a relationship exactly like their last one is right there waiting for them online.

There are a couple of popular misconceptions about meeting someone on a dating site:
1. You have to be crazy to do it – if that’s the case, then there’s a whole load of crazy people out there doing online dating, and doing it well
2. Online dating is easy – it’s not as simple as pop a few pieces of information into a questionnaire and your perfect partner’s name will pop out on a little laminated card that you can put in your purse or wallet allowing you to then just skip along the pavement until the nuptials.

For one thing, no one has ever actually proven that their scientific algorithms work – not that any one of the top mainstream dating sites will share the exact calculations they use to perform the matchmaking process or how they pair singles together.  And secondly, the most worthwhile relationships are those that take time to nurture, that hold back in anticipation and certainly do not try to compare their expectations with their past experiences.  A little piece of paradise exists for us all here on this tawdry planet, but we’ve got to find that yellow brick road before we can head off into the sunset along it, hand in hand with our perfect partner and that takes time, patience and bein open to new experiences.

What is very obvious, and this has been absolutely personified in a blog I’ve read this evening, and that is: if you sign up for your dating site expecting the worst, that’s what you’ll get.

If your dating site profile screams:
1. ‘I’m only doing this because I’m desperate’, or
2. ‘I was three sheets to the wind when my mate suggested I do this and I probably won’t remember speaking to you in the morning’, or
3. ‘my mates have got me to try this out and I’m only doing this to shut them up’,
you’ll get the responses that those sentiments deserve.

Now, you’re not telling me that, if you were browsing through the myriad expectant faces and plethora of prospective partners on your dating site that, if you came across a profile that even suggested any of those things that you’d bookmark it or waste a ‘token’ on getting in touch; well, unless you were actually desparate yourself. Not exactly the basis of beautiful relationship though, perhaps you’ll forgive me for suggesting.

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The right time or wrong time to sign up for online dating?

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[...] cont’d from

Where dating sites and bars are alike is that if you expressed any of those traits whilst you were in a bar, namely either utter desperation, being off your face or dismissive and in denial (as outlined in the preceding article) the only individuals you would possibly attract would be, in the cold light of day, classed as undesirable. Harsh, and I’m sorry, but that’s the truth of it. If you were exhibiting any of the above mentioned attitudes down your local, you may end up pulling only because the person you end up with had no better offer. In a bar, yes, you may get that opportunity.

On dating sites, however, the chances of anyone returning with so many other thousands or millions of members in the dating site community to choose from are remote. If any of those descriptions sound like the circumstances under which you signed up for your dating site and you’re not doing as well as you’d hoped or you’re ready to give up because you’re only attracting losers, take a fresh look at your profile. Read between the lines of what you’ve actually written and ask yourself – or better still, ask a friend who’ll be honest with you – what do those words say about me?

The person who wrote the blog I read this evening, although I’ve not read their dating site profile, I know would scream at least one (if not all) of the above traits without those words actually appearing on the screen before me. With the addition of the killer line, that punctuated everything they wrote – not directly, but with references in the opening paragraph and comparisons throughout the blog – which I guess would have gone along the lines of: “okay, I’m gonna give you a try, but don’t expect too much coz you’re just not my ex!”

There are good reasons for joining dating sites and not so advisable ones; if you’re looking for someone who’s just like your ex, well, you’ve got their number already. Either make the decision to move on or be prepared for a whole load of unfulfilling dates before you realise you have to.

Online dating can seem like a massive place with so many members, but you’ll be surprised how quick the reputation of time-waster or even scammer can be picked up.  It may not be up to you to call the shots regarding who you do and don’t date if that type of reputation precedes you.

Dating sites can bring out a side of you hidden for too long

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We’re almost there – getting you ready to attack those dating sites this weekend to ensure you at least get Valentine’s Day e-mails from your online dating sites at the very least. We have a few last little tips on your dating site profile, then we’ll take a look at how to get the best out of the dating site membership by modifying your searches and responses.

So, your dating site profile should be almost complete, even having had it acid-tested by a friend you can trust to give you honest, forthright feedback. One last aspect to consider before you hit the upload button: does your online persona sound like a happy soul? Would you want to be with you if you were reading your profile?

Be honest with yourself. Joining an online dating site that boasts million-plus membership can be a daunting prospect. If you were feeling nervous and apprehensive before making the decision to join one or two dating sites, by the time you’ve seen the competition and the calibre of singles out there looking to find love online, it can be downright depressing, let alone nerve-racking. But you mustn’t let this anxiety show through in your dating profile.

Confident, even a little bit cocky, is a good attitude to have. With UK dating sites, they really are a place where more timid people can find a voice they never knew they had, or at least only suspected but have never had the platform to bellow out their inner emotions (keep the personal stuff to a minimum, though!). Providing you stick to the rule of not attracting people you wouldn’t want to date and retaining a pretty accurate portrayal of the real you, your new dating site is the perfect place to find that hidden aspect and just turn up its voice, decibel by decibel, until you’re even scaring yourself with what this vociferous new you can achieve.

What you may find is that you are attracting a whole new audience. Sure, there’ll be some whackos – every dating site has them – but don’t be automatically too dismissive. If you’re absolutely certain that you’ll never meet up with someone who’s taken the time to contact you, let them down gently. Never ignore them; remain courteous and be honest without being hurtful.

Even if that someone comes across as arrogant, they may really be just like you, nerves bringing out a personality they can’t control. Any angry retort or outright putdown may damage their confidence irreparably.

Dating sites – here endeth the Valentine’s Day lesson

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When you first sign up to a dating site, there can be a lot of information to take in. One of the best recent innovations in the world of online dating is that the newer dating sites appearing on the market are tailored towards users of existing social media sites. The features are getting more familiar as the line between the two platforms gets thinner with every passing month. So it may all look slightly different but the functionality should be similar.

Most dating sites have an intranet, whereby there is a network for the site by the site on the site, where your inbox is within your dashboard, along with the control over your dating site profile information, such as your likes, dislikes and photo galleries for paid dating sites. Likewise, upgrading to a paid membership now often gives you access to one-on-one video-cam, where you can check out for real that you’re dating a real person and see if they are like their profile photo and personality.

And don’t be nervous about using these features. Everyone on your new dating site has had to get used to the web-cam or the ‘wink‘ feature or the one specific aspect of the dating site which makes it unique. Your blissful ignorance and lack of experience with these features is a sure-fire way to attract interest by asking for help on the forum or chatroom! With all this technology to hand, there is no excuse in being backwards at coming forwards.

When you do say ‘hi’ to someone, be a bit specific about why you have approached them. There are some drop-dead gorgeous profile galleries on show in dating land, which attract literally hundreds of these little ‘hi, I like your photo’ one line introductions – they are mostly ignored. The whole point of making contact with someone on a dating site is because you feel as if you could connect with the person who’s caught your eye. Tell them why (briefly – you can expand, later) you felt moved to contact them and end your introduction with an indirect question. They may be genuinely shy and not know what to say in their response – give them that angle to get back in touch. Even if it’s just because you like someone’s write-up, but they’ve not included a photo – ask them for one. They may be willing to send one privately, but have a genuine reason for their anonymity in the public domain.

And lastly, a UK dating site is a dynamic thing, a beast subject to metamorphosis as new members sign up, offers on membership deals arise and new innovations in technology enhance existing or introduce new features. It’s not a set and forget platform for you to just activate, sit back and hope for the best. Like everything in life, you’ll get out of your dating experience what you put in. Keep your information fresh, update your profile to match offline achievements to invite a whole new audience, keep safe, but, most of all, dating should be fun!

Enjoy. Have a great Valentine’s Day and we hope you’ve enjoyed this week and the crash course in getting the best from your dating site! Love, one and all, from dating.org.uk. xxx

p.s. Send us an e-mail if you’ve had a success story or tale of woe or if there’s anything you’d like us to cover in the news – we’d be only too happy to check it out. xxx

Widen your net; you’ll be surprised at the catches out there

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When you first start out online dating, getting the hang of one dating site can be daunting enough without thinking about juggling multiple inboxes and trying to respond to all of the singles who contact you. Especially in the first few days. Not only will you get genuine messages of welcome (you’ll find that women respond to both sexes with a hearty greeting, whereas men only to women – it’s the old alpha male thing; you’ll soon get used to all that testosterone), but there can often be peaks when you first join any dating site. This is purely down to members or (even admin staff) who dutifully trudge through the new sign-ups to ensure they’re not missing out on anything.

So don’t panic if you think you’re never going to able to cope – it’s just the newbie rush, especially around dates like Valentine’s Day. Some of the paid dating sites do impose a limit on the number of e-mails new sign-ups can receive to prevent exactly this eventuality. If you see someone new and you can’t get a message through, it may be down to this reason, not because they’re not interested – they may just be being shielded from too much of an influx of interested parties. If you are one of those who find themselves not being able to contact someone you really like, set yourself a reminder and keep checking back. A little bit of competition is good for the soul, so they say.

If, however, that avenue is cut off to you for whatever reason and you’re not finding the exact match you were looking for, it may be that you’ve perhaps set your dating site expectations slightly too high. It’s amazing that, from sites boasting millions of members – not all of those may be currently dating, it’s worth stating – you may literally filter your search down to only a half a dozen close matches.

That’s because people are people and there are so many aspects that go into one personality, finding someone with the exact traits you’re looking for, minus the ones you’re not, would be some achievement. All relationships have a level of compromise (believe me, I’m talking from experience, there), so you may only ever find Mr or Mrs Nearly-Right.

If you’re not getting the success from your dating site that you expected, try broadening your horizons. Ask yourself if age is so very important? Does your potential partner have to live on your doorstep before you’ll consider dating them or is it worth going that extra mile for that special someone? And would it be so bad if you were taller than your man in high heels? Well, if he put high heels on to compete then you may have an issue, but really? Joining a dating site is a wonderful new opportunity to express yourself and extend yourself. Don’t blow it by being blinkered.

Read between the lines of your dating site profile

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Over this last week we’ve looked at the mechanics behind choosing the right dating site, membership type, user name and profile photo in an attempt at giving you a crash course in dating site etiquette so you have a viable presence in time for Valentine’s Day.

Today, we shift the emphasis from the physicalities to the subtleties of dating site profile creation, concentrating on what your profile says about you, between the lines as much as it does in the syntax itself. We will then move on to your first introductory messages and what to do in the event of a response.

By browsing other profiles, you should have some idea of what you want to say about yourself and have a rough draft somewhere on your PC in a word processing document of your forthcoming online dating persona. Before you take this spectacular new you to dating land, re-read it, check that it conveys what you want it to, using the images you’ve gleaned from other profiles as your yardstick and make sure you’re not inviting contact from the wrong audience. ‘Adult dating‘ in the world of cyberspace, for example, does not mean going to an 18+ flick then on to a bar or restaurant afterwards. Oh no.

This aspect should not be entered into lightly and you should have a complete profile ready to copy and paste into your new dating site. Do run the spellchecker over it in your word processing program and do ensure that, whichever Internet dating platform you are considering using, you have a topic for each section of the initial profile sign-up stage.

Nothing conveys the message more that you’re not taking online dating seriously than a profile full of spelling mistakes and punctuation errors and areas ‘about you’ that are left completely blank. Serious daters who prefer to browse profiles themselves rather than rely on matchmaking algorithms do like to see the full picture and will follow up (or not) accordingly.

Set aside the time to do the sign-up process properly; with matchmaking sites, it can be slightly different as there are a whole host of multiple choice questions to get through before your dating site profile goes live, but that doesn’t mean you can just fly through them to get that bit out the way. Refer back to your crafted dating site persona, think about the message and choose your answers accordingly. If you’re using this new era in dating to perhaps go about things differently to how you’ve approached relationships in the past, use these multiple choice answers to reflect the new you, not the old one you’re trying to ditch, otherwise you’ll be back at square one.

One last tip about dating site profiles – if you have a friend, a real close buddy who you can stand being totally honest with you, ask them to read through your profile <i>before</i> broadcasting it to all and sundry. Gauge their reaction – there may be something glaringly obvious that you’ve missed about yourself that you take for granted but they see as a positive; get that included, and you’re ready to post your profile.

If you just must have a date by the 14th, stay safe!

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Carrying on with our series on how to find a date online for Valentine’s Day, we start off today’s first of three articles – all short and sweet, but nonetheless equally valid – with a sort of: okay, if you must bit of advice.

If you are determined to find a date for Valentine’s Day, you’ve got to be sharpish about it. I’d even be as bold as to say, you’re best off ignoring all of the information about finding your perfect partner online for now and just have a quick fly around the free dating sites, as it’s so late in the day. I’d never normally recommend meeting up with someone you’ve only been talking to for so little time as a week and still don’t feel 100% about suggesting you do so now. But Valentine’s Day isn’t going to put itself back a good few weeks just because you’re not quite ready for it this year.

What I’d implore you to do, if you’ve got your heart set on meeting someone so soon after introducing yourself on whichever dating site it is you sign up to is try and do some background checking in the forums with the other members about the person who catches your eye. At this time of year, the forums should be flying with gossip, questions and member threads – if you’ve got a question, just ask it. If someone has an answer, they will get back to you; at this short notice, there are few other options open for cross-referencing any potential partner.

You’ll not have time to build up any sort of online relationship, so at least if you do manage to tie up your first date (firstly, very well done, you!) everything will be fresh when you meet them and you’ll be going in with a very open mind. For what you’re looking to achieve in the short term, this as good a way as any to really get into the swing of Internet dating, with no time to be held back by procrastination.

What I would strongly recommend for your lightning date is a facility here in the UK that runs in conjunction with the Post Office called Trusted Faces. It is the very first step in offering online dating security. It works very simply and I would urge you to get yourself across to their website, get registered and down to the local Post Office to complete your online passport. Look for someone else advertising theirs, swap tickets to double-check that your are both whom you claim to be and you’re good to go.

More coming up on when and how to pay for your membership

There may be two or three also-rans before you meet The One

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In the previous article we alluded to the fact that rushing a date is not the recommended way of going about online dating, but, with Valentine’s so close, there is little other option than to go for it. In reality, however, you may have to prepare yourself for the fact that this just might not happen in so short a time-span. Softly, softly catchee monkey, as the old saying goes, are the bywords for dating site success.

If you’ve ever been to a singles bar, you know that you may have to go countless times before you see anyone who you’d even consider sharing a cab home with, let alone any part of your mind or body. dating sites are similar in that aspect. Some sites charge a minimum of a three month subscription anyway but, if you’re serious about meeting the one, you’re best off taking out three months as a minimum term (read the next article about payment before you pay!).

You may get additional features for that level of commitment, but that’s not the real reason you should opt for three months as a minimum membership. As much as you want to find a date online, it’s unlikely that you’ll spend every hour of every night as soon as you’re back home from work browsing dating site profiles or chatting to singles in the forums. When are you going to fit Emmerdale in if you do?

More likely, you’ll start enthused and the first few nights you may well be on your dating site every night, granted. But you’ll be amazed at how quickly you filter out those who fall outside your requirements and, even for dating sites that boast millions of members, you may only find two or three potential dates who are a close enough match to your must have traits to warrant special attention.

People are creatures of habit and you’ll start to know when those people who you’d consider dating appear on the site and, other than at times when you genuinely have nothing better to do, will coincide your frequenting of the dating site with theirs. So, out of your three month package, you may only spend eight or twelve nights chatting to a prospective partner at best.

And, just because you’ve had the chance to vet your partner before meeting them doesn’t equate to a perfect match offline. You may have to get through a few dating site members (not physically, unless you want to earn a reputation) before you begin to see the results you hoped for when you first signed up and began your online dating journey.

paying for your dating site

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Although we have recommended paying for your dating site membership, there is one thing you really must look out for in the small print before you hit the ‘submit’ button with your credit or debit card information. A lot – and we’re talking most of the dating sites, other than those who sit right at the top of the online dating tree – put a ‘roll-over’ clause in their contract.

It is a little bit sneaky and perhaps even immoral but they do write it in the small print so they are covered legally for doing it, but a lot of dating sites state that they will continue to collect your subscription, whichever period you sign up for, without your prior consent. There will be a one-liner that states ‘by pressing submit you agree that you’ve read and digested all of the t’s & c’s’.

In said terms and conditions it will state that you give the dating site the right to take the money from your account ‘in perpetuity’ . Basically, forever. That sounds daunting but, apart from cancelling the bank account from whence your dating site membership fee comes there are two other ways you can get around this sneaky little way of screwing you for a few quid every month, one more advisable than the other.

The best way for you is, once you submit your details, there is a cooling off period. Don’t wait for that period to come to an end, do this straight away. In your account profile there will be a payment settings. Go straight in and cancel the contract. You will still get the time you paid for on your dating site, but not the headache of having to approach your credit card company when you want to leave to make the dating site stop taking your oney by the credit company imposing a charge greater than the sum of your membership fee, after you’ve told the dating site in question in writing that you wish to cancel your account, which is the second rather messy way of doing things.

This may not apply on the high-end dating sites whose membership, paying in excess of $1,000/month, and normally paying for a year’s subscription in one go, are usually afforded the decency of not being subjected to this sneaky little clause.

With so much competition, you’d hope that the odd one or two would break the mould in an attempt for the other dating sites to follow suit, but this rarely happens.

That’s about it on choosing your dating site; tomorrow, we’ll start taking a look at your profile and what we can do to entice your potential dating partners.

Where to start your search for your Valentine date

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With one eye on Valentine’s day, little over a week away, many people who’ve cast off their partner who sufficed over Christmas will very shortly be turning to their dating sites to find that special someone with whom they can spend the most romantic day of they year.

Heck, the run-up to February the 14th is one of the busiest times of the year for the online dating industry come what may. More people, desperate to find love online to be their Valentine take the bull by the horns and give this ‘dating online malarkey’ that everyone else is raving about a try for the very first time. This year is expected to be no different. With the economy showing no signs of improvement, the value of the cards and gifts is not going to be the deal breaker; it will be the sentiment of just having someone there who you can call your Valentine that will count for the most.

In anticipation of hundreds, nay thousands, of online dating newbies, we thought it prim and proper here at dating.org.uk to lend a hand to those who perhaps have never walked through the thousands of galleries of prospective partners awaiting them on dating sites the world over and help those new to Internet dating to find that special someone just in time for the big day.

So, without further ado, we’ll dedicate today’s dating site news in its entirety to those new to the concept of finding the perfect partner online with a top ten list of tips, guides and advice to ensure that you don’t leave disappointed after your first visit here.

Firstly, you have to be totally honest with yourself about what you’re looking for before you can boldly go where (millions of) newbies have gone before. Dating sites are different, catering for the plethora of possibilities that people want in a partner. Whether you’re a rock-chick looking for a metal-head so that you bike off into the sunset together or if you’re looking for a same-sex partner either out of curiosity or for a long term relationship or even if you just want someone for a quick fling and a bit of adult dating fun over the Valentine’s weekend there will be a dating site that caters for you. And there will be others that cater for love you didn’t even think could exist in any human form and will have you saying ‘No….’ if you’re unfortunate enough to stumble upon such a site/sight (take your pick), before you even start contemplating whether it’s legal, or not.

More up next about what dating sites there are out there and what to do when you ge there in: Okay – found a dating site. What next?

“J” reveals his “friend’s” experience Chinese dating

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The following article (in two parts) is a lesson to anyone who ever gets tempted to share their personal information with someone they think they know on their dating site, but obviously not as well as they thought…

After dating women of the west, extending your catchment area to capture ladies from a little further to the East (well, the other side of the world, really), spending time on your dating site with women of Chinese origin can be an uplifting experience.

There is an element of a Chinese woman’s make up that is demure on the outside, but belies cunning intelligence beneath that gracious exterior. Self-possessed of dignity and charm, personality traits that cannot be taught beyond a certain age, it seems that there’s nothing they’ll not do to please you.

Not necessarily in a sexual way but everything about their demeanour aims to please to the extent that if they cause you offense, they will be beside themselves until you accept their most gracious and numerable apologies. Because of this inhibited nature, this will not come across in any dating site profile; you will only ever discover these hidden qualities by taking the time out to get to know the lady of Oriental persuasion in person.

However, I have recently come across one lad, who calls himself J who had whose friend had a problem whilst he was on a Chinese dating site. For the purpose of this tale of woe, we will call the victim “J”, okay with you?

After spending some time on a Chinese dating site, presumably having had little success elsewhere, reading between the lines, “J” could not believe the amount of positive responses he was getting from a whole hare-em of Asian lovelies. He was so enamoured by one of the single Chinese ladies to whom he was spending a fair amount of his online dating time that, after she implored him to go exclusive on the dating site (you can sort of see a flaw coming there, can’t you? Anyway…), he agreed. [read more]

Valentine’s day spam just over a week away

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So, I was looking online for something romantic to write about Valentine’s Day. One of the biggest days in any year for card shops, chocolatiers, florists and online dating sites. The problem is, when you have sent as many as I have done over the years, it all gets a bit old hat. But, just because I could give Clintons staff a healthy wedge of commission from the hopeful cards I’ve sent in the past doesn’t mean that Valentine’s Day shouldn’t be a new and enjoyable experience for everyone else out there in dating land.

Instead of all of the insights into true romance that I was expecting to stumble across, I, quite happily, found many other singles who were wary of the occasion as much as I. Not due to the expense. Although there is a view that the day, whereby you can carte blanche spam as many people as you wouldn’t mind licking their sticky bit as you know with e-mails not-so cunningly disguised with this message on your dating site, is nothing more than a money spinner for the novelty gift and card shop enterprises between Christmas and Easter.

St Patrick’s Day, now, is popping up as a timely intervention to combat slow sales as Easter seems to get later and later in April every year. Do you think it’s somehow coy to send an Irishman a card with a drunken Leprechaun holding a pint of Guinness to help them celebrate their Saint’s day? As much appreciated as the spam dating site e-mails. So think again!

But back to the point – the dread of being single on the most romantic day of the year. Although that title is now being challenged by Boxing Day as dating sites see more sign ups immediately after Christmas than almost any other time of the year. The message I’m getting from those who are blogging about their dating status is: don’t send me a card – I’m single, loving it, and if I want to date I have a dating site membership and I can find my own partner – when I want one!. Okay, there may be an element of building brick walls as a reaction to perhaps being dumped now that Christmas and New Year are out the way, but many singles genuinely are enjoying being just that, for now, single.

The most interesting article I found on the subject was a young lady’s account, alikening singledom with leprosy. So, next up, a condensed version for all of you out there who are thinking of bombarding everyone you like the look of your dating site with unsolicited e-mail next week. You may get a response, but it sure won’t be the one you’re looking for.

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A survey of US dating singles reveals their outlook for 2012

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Here in the UK, we have this impression that everything in the US is bigger and better than on this side of The Pond. Thanks to a survey of 5,000 of its singles by Match.com, we’re about to find if their online dating scene is vastly different to our own or remarkably similar.

The survey, launched to gauge the temperament and outlook of its US dating membership for the year ahead, is typically vociferous of the American public, airing their thoughts on politics, relationships, sex, love and, of course, online dating.

The questions ranged from liberal to conservative and being as intimate as to enquire about the participants’ current sexual proclivity to what are the absolute killers when it comes to deciding whether on online relationship is worth doing or dumping.

The first thing that is fundamentally different between the singles in the US and in this country is that political affiliation really counts for something. It is almost as if the US maxim of The Land of the Free is truly in-ground into its singles citizenship – as if everyone with an opinion truly believes they can make a difference; compare that with the level of indifference exhibited by the youth of the UK and it underlines why this study matters and what the British youth can learn from their peers on US dating sites.

The roll call for the contributors to the survey is, in the context of online dating, impressive to say the least. Some of the most recognised names from the world of dating site science were instrumental in both formulating the quiz and assessing the results from the 5,000 participants.

And rather than just posting the results and saying: that’s that, deal with it, each of the renowned dating site scientists will be opining their views on the elements relavent to their own field of study over the coming weeks.

In our next couple of articles, we’ll take a look at some of the surprising results that have been published and will follow up over the coming weeks with the dating site’s scientists views and assessments as they are published.

Surprising statistics about the US male single

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American men. Clint Eastwood, John Wayne, Bruce Willis. Solid, dependable, proper men. Where are their proteges?

Looking at the results of the latest dating site survey from Match.com, they’ve all gone west, by the look of things.

The men who took part in the latest questionnaire must have been all ‘modern’ man as the results attest to some traditionally feminine virtues shining through. Depending upon how you view your man’s role in a dating relationship will either have you cooing at the prospect or throwing up – I’m staying non-committal, just reporting the facts, yer-ronnah.

By the time the males had reached the tender age of 30, 58% of those participants had an undying faith in love at first sight and reckon on having had experience of just that and the accompanying emotional relationship. Compare this to just over half of the women saying the same thing, you would have to surmise the latter are either more pragmatic or leave the whole falling in love thing until a bit later on, when they have more of an idea of what they’re looking for, especially as many of that age group have grown up with dating sites. Perhaps the ladies used dating site platforms more in their adolescence and realised there were more fish in the sea whilst the guys were trying out for the football or baseball teams, who knows?

But this theme continues. A whole ten percent more of men believed it more acceptable to show their feelings in the street, with 41% open to snogging in public compared to the 31% female vote. This sort of ties in with the loneliness vote, too.

More than a quarter of men believed solitude to be a challenging element of the single life, compare to a mere 22% of women. However, loneliness overall was just shaded by the feminine vote with a third reporting it as either ‘somewhat’ or ‘very’ stressful, compared to the men of whom just 31% saw being alone as a real issue.

Perhaps the male leaning overall to the loneliness issue explains another finding that dispells one urban dating myth and that’s their fear of the ‘c’ word. Despite popular rumours, men are willing to commit to a partner who is everything they are looking for but feel no love towards (31% men, 23% women) and a similar theme to being able to commit without feeling a stirring in the groin to accompany their devotion, with 27% of men stating that they could commit to a partner they do not feel sexually attracted to compared with only 22% of women admitting the same.

Much more to come from the study tomorrow, where we’ll be looking at the physical aspects of dating and long-term relationships, such as living together, appearance, life goals and sexual orientation. Can hardly wait.

Dating site scientists? You do the math.

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cont’d from: What makes your dating site tick?…

As the dust settles on the Miami iDate event, the first of three scheduled for 2012, the online dating industry’s top brass either go home to lick their wounds or pat themselves on the back after collecting yet another scoop of awards. Those who’ve lost out this time will have another chance to gain favour in the summer in Europe or back to the US again in fall as the US party season begins in earnest.

At a time when so much of their underbelly has been exposed, one full week in Miami at the end of January, the dating industry couldn’t have picked its moment better for the world’s media to find fault. And there was, reading between the lines from the first reports finding their way out of Florida, plenty of petty backstabbing and one-upmanship to be had, if you looked in the right places.

For any of the global dating site membership that actually care about the cogs behind the whole online dating process (which is probably not many, to be fair), they’ve only got a fortnight left to be annoyed at any of the dating sites before ‘all is forgiven’ when they land a date via their service for Valentines Day.

As well as the huge wads of cash that seem to be floating about from investors looking to get their claws into any promising new venture, the other most sought after possession from this year’s iDate Conference was: how does your algorithm work? For some dating sites, they are just not prepared to divulge what strings of x, y and z conditions must be met before a perfect match appears, as if by magic, after filling in their questionnaires. This has led to open floor criticism, questioning how some dating sites can claim scientific matches when there is no evidence available that there search criteria is based on any kind of formula.

Whereas other matchmaking site owners have been quite open and more or less stated that, even though research into vast ranges of questions to ask its dating site membership has been executed beforehand, it is the singles who actually find love on line themselves by the answers they give. There is no giant mainframe computer in the background banging, ticking and whirring like Deep Thought – a simple percentage match is your answer, then the rest is up to the single to pick from those closest, mathematically-derived results.

Much more to come on the fallout from iDate 2012, Miami as and when the reports hit the press; stay tuned for the specifics about your chosen dating site.

What makes your dating site tick?

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It’s very good timing, when you think about it, holding the iDate super conference at this time of the year. While most of us are still trying to figure how we’re going to do this year differently (after a month has passed us by, already) the powers that be in the world of online dating have had their first of three big pow-wows and thoughts are already turning to 2013, with most of this year’s news either in the pipeline or already done and dusted, it seems, even before we hit Valentine’s Day.

The first of many reports, insights, diagnostics and headlines are already in the editing rooms of the glossies, announcing victories for the best dating site for x, the matchmaking site to watch out for this year is y and the quickest way to get laid is on any one of these three dating sites at point z (or should that be G?).

Beneath all of that glamour and glitz lies the very real truth about dating sites and that those at the top of the pile are not all as loved up with each other as perhaps we were led to believe, going on cruises after the event with one another and toasting the dating industry’s success with a bottle of DP ’59 as they sail off into the sunset together.

Now that the industry is getting on for a global nett worth, according to one report, of $4bn, it has attracted bigger investors than ever before. Attitudes have changed in the business world as well as the real world and online dating is a very sound investment if you’re looking for somewhere to shift your oil and gas stocks to improve your pension realisation fund. And it’s starting to tell.

Not that the larger of the dating sites are short of a few bob. Free online dating service OkCupid was sold to Match.com last year for $90M. Folks – that’s a business that doesn’t charge its membership but relies on advertising for its revenue and it commanded $90M – staggering. Howaboutwe, the quick hook-up dating site that you can carry around on your android and be dating in minutes from wherever you are, has found a quick and easy $15M to fund its growth.

No, the real truth is, as the pie gets bigger, those who are elbow-deep in it already want to dive right in and shovel up as much of that filling as they can.

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Dating expert heads up pre-Valentine’s media panel

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Los Angeles’ largest digital networking organisation association, Digital LA, is to invite a renowned online dating expert onto its Love Goes Digital panel on the eve of the most romantic day of the year. Julia Spira, celebrated author and regular talk-show panel guest on all things to do with love in cyberspace will join others on the discussion, to mull over the mechanics that have made her synonymous with the industry.

Digital LA, whose newsletter reaches an audience of 30,000 across the social media network, is an association for the digital media arts by the digital media arts, showcasing, through its regular panels and ‘mixers’, the very best in a respective niche to help those at the start-up end, giving those individuals and companies just getting their foot on the first rung of digital media ladder their very own moments to shine, too.

Julia is perhaps the ideal guest for this particular discussion as, not only does she hail from a whole host of industries prevalent within the media industry, but she also knows a thing or two about using the new platform to her own advantage, as she has done so successfully in the past, using the Internet to promote and make a best seller of her book: The Perils of Cyber-Dating, a retrospective detailing the romance of the ever-hopeful quest for ‘The One’ using online dating.

The founder of Digital LA, Kevin Winston, was very clear about what the discussion was set to achieve and why the panelists chosen were the perfect vessel to carry their message off. Within the world of online dating, there are ‘capitals’ – cities whose off-line dating influences have helped shape the way dating sites have grown and become platforms to be embraced, rather than feared, as was once the case. LA is just one of those cities and to have so many experts in the field gathered together on the eve of such an important day in the romantic calendar is testament to its legendary status, along with New York (in this humble writer’s opinion, the global capital of online dating) and London.

Spira’s place on the panel is more than justified; with a nominated blog, best-selling book, a coaching track record in online dating hardly rivalled and now a recently completed screenplay, she is perhaps the best example of a cog that works well between the two subjects of online dating and digital media. Should make for an interesting show.

First dates – keep the personal stuff to a minimum

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There is a world of difference on your first date between letting your date know a little bit about you and you either giving them your life history or being that pleased with your achievements that you come across as boastful.

Money is a great thing to have but there are better ways of letting someone you’ve met on a dating site know about it other than by reeling off a list of what you bought with your ‘spare change’ or by actually dropping into the conversation your latest bonus or pay-rise. Sure, that’s the kind of stuff you need to be honest and open about when you’re in a long-term commitment together, but not the kind of subject you want to be discussing at a first date. If you’ve got class, it will shine through in your actions and personality; you won’t have to tell your date about it – they’ll work that one out.

And another slip-up that many singles often make when it’s their first time out with someone they’ve met through a dating site is asking how come the other’s unattached. If they want to discuss that (other than with someone whom they’ve developed a deep relationship), they’ll have mentioned the reason they’re single on their dating site profile or during private communication. If you have to ask, you’ve either not been paying them close enough attention or they’re not ready to talk about it with someone who they hardly know. Leave the subject of past relationships – even if you are totally stuck for anything else to say on your early dates – until your partner starts to open up about them.

Likewise, they will definitely not want to hear in too much detail about everyone you’ve ever snogged the face off. Please, try and remember, dating in the early stages is about getting to know your new partner – past relationships are just that: past. The clue’s in the question, folks.

As well as overwhelming questions, there is also the possibility of rushing the physical aspect of a new relationship. No matter who it is, no matter how good looking he/she is and how much they implore you for a little first date physicality, say no.

Unless, of course, the object of the date is purely on the pre-determined understanding that you’re just meeting up for an ‘online dating friends with benefits’ type of arrangement, of course. It has been known to happen but, generally speaking, if all someone wants is adult dating, they will head towards a dating site that specialises in quickie dates or one-off intimate liaisons; it is not the done thing on a first date with a member from one of the mainstream dating sites.

There is more about that aspect in our first date tips for him, for her and for the two of you series, if you need further clarification as to why that type of activity is not the best basis for a long-term relationship.

So, one more article to go for January from the #datingguruuk series, then we’re into the month of lurve…February!

The first date – about me and you, not me and me

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The whole purpose of a first date is to get to know the person you envisage may be your next partner. Whether you’ve met on your dating site or been introduced matters little; the rules for dating offline remain the same.

If you turn up to your date and all you do is talk all night (it can only really be about yourself as you know very little about your dating partner, only what you’ve been privvy to in private messages or from within the confines of the online dating platform upon which you’ve met), you will learn nothing about your partner. If you know nothing about them, how can you judge in retrospect whether you want to see them again?

To be honest, that decision may no longer be in your hands. If all you’ve done is relate tales of your own life, however fascinating it is to you, the chances are your partner zoned out at some point and you won’t be hearing from them again, anyway.

If you know you beforehand that you are the sort of person who rambles when they get nervous and you’ve had the jitters all day long, the first thing you need to do when you meet up with your date is tell them. Be honest from the off – think of a keyword that you can tell them to use when you do start to go off on one and explain why. If you mention to your date that you’ve been anxious about hooking up all day, it may serve to settle their nerves, too.

But don’t leave it all to them – if you notice you are talking about yourself too much, try to reign in your focus and concentrate on your date, the purpose of your mission!

However, it is important to get the balance right. Don’t clam up on purpose – if you have something to say, say it, but give your potential partner the opportunity to respond and listen to what they have to say. Otherwise, the whole affair will have been a pointless exercise. You may even come across as being arrogant, if you show that you’re choosing not to respond to something they’ve interjected.

You do not want your date leaving with the impression that you only commented on topics that you started or worse, that you seemed to have no interest in what they seemed passionate about, whatsoever.  Whether you are or not, you risk coming across as extremely self-centred.

This is also a danger if you you go on and on about your life and express no interest in theirs. It can be tricky as it is, finding things to say, but trying to temper your responses can take a few attempts to get the right balance for a cordial evening and getting the opportunity for that second date.

Relationship experts and their roles on dating sites

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If you’ve been following this blog for a while, you’ll have seen a growing number of articles relating to high-end dating sites and the fact that the singles who sign up for these ‘all-in-one’ sites rely heavily on a relationship expert to take care of their every dating whim for them.

Okay, from the various write-ups in the media surrounding the increased interest well-to-do singles have in online dating of this stature, I guess there has to be a little more to it than what all the glossies have been printing. I mean, you’re not going to pay over the odds for dating advice that someone is going to print in the press for free, are you?

And you’re not going to part with four-figure monthly dating site fees (in three-month subscription chunks, I hastened to add) for information that some relationship coaches are giving away for free, surely?  You ARE?!?!

And that, I suppose, is really the key – the difference between me and those 6-figure city slicker earners who think nothing of blowing £12,000 a year on a dating site subscription because they’ve not got the time to research and digest that which, with a little research and patience, is waiting in cyberspace for zip, just an e-mail subscription away.

And relationship expert, dating coach, lifestyle guru – whatever moniker you want to attach to them – they’re all out there, dangling the carrot with free pdf downloads to get you to sign up in the hope that you’ll one day go on and buy one of their products off of them. Providing you’ve got the time to read, interpret (for an English audience – the majority are American, as you’d guess, with the rest badly re-written copies in a language that starts off close to English in the first paragraph to draw the reader in but then soon descends into gibberish to avoid the plagiarism checkers) and then learn how to act upon the information, you’re quids in!

So, purely in the name of delivering quality dating advice to you, my loyal readership, that the dating royalty in London, New York and Miami pay through the nose for, I’m going to give the rest of January over to what I believe is the closest we’ll get to expert relationship advice, for free!

So, in totally English fashion, let’s start with five articles looking at where you’re going wrong, why you’re still single and why you’re coming back time and again to dating sites to find ‘the one’.

(article series tag: #datingguruuk)

Start dating as you mean to go on – drop the fibs

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So, yes – welcome back to the #datingguruuk series, taking a sneak peek for free into what the mega-loaded singles from the dating capitals of the world pay a fortune for every month. Yep, it’s only a peep – I’m not going to offer to call you up for a fifteen minute ‘get-to-know-you’ session (it’s true – if I’d lived in US EST zone, I’d have got one!). But that just shows why eHarmony have felt the need to completely revamp the ads for their UK dating sites compared to those in the US. We do look at dating in a totally different way to our American cousins. Oceans apart, geographically and in our love lives, it seems. Anyway, before I board that Titanic, as promised, why we’re so useless at dating:

Have you been to Amazon recently and seen how many books there are about dating? 14,100. That’s just under the tag dating. Then there’s the ‘for women’ (6,500+), ‘for men’ (a similar 6,500+) – there’s even a selection of 20 titles for dating the undead! The state of UK dating must be pretty awful if we’re buying guide books in love on the off-chance that a lycan or succubus is gonna drop by!

And I’m not one to suggest that the menfolk need a helping hand, but there is a strong selection entitled ‘dating tips for men’, yet they’ve dispensed with a similar section for the fairer sex. I did suggest over the weekend that women know how to get what they want, didn’t I?  Even Amazon are backing me up, there!

Do we need help dating in the UK? Oh, yes.

So, back to my e-mail series from the lovely EST lady in the US and our first fallibility when it comes to striking up a potential relationship: honesty.

Not to make out that we’re a nation of fibbers (rich, coming from the country that tried to convince us we’d landed on the moon, that Elvis was dead and that Iraq were building nuclear power heads – okay, one of them may be true: RIP the king), but telling porkies almost seems to become a habit when we’re in the process of doing our chatting up.

In the context of online dating, it starts with out dating site profile. Studies have shown that there is an accepted tolerance of height, weight, the age of our photo and what we do for a living, where the truth is even expected to be stretched a little.

But it appears that many folk can’t get out of the habit when it comes to dating offline, either. The problem is that when you start with a little white lie, you often find you have to tell another one to get around the original. Before you know it, you’re spinning a whole web of deceit and the only one getting caught up in it is you.

So, the message is clear. Start your relationship as you mean to go on. Be as honest as you can. If there is some bad gunky, use your judgement and wait until the relationship can support its gravitas before you throw it in, but never lie about it! See you over the page; remember: #datingguruuk

The hopes and fears of expectant singles

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The #datingguruuk is back with another installment of why we Brits could do with a little helping hand when it comes to dating. Lots to get through, so straight into the mixer:

Take a chance on me

Fear of the unknown is one thing – it’s irrational, there’s very little reason to it. Like being scared of the dark: there’s nothing that’s metamorphosed just because you’ve turned out the light switch.

Rejection, however, can be a very real possibility. No matter how well you’ve developed your relationship on your dating site, when it comes to the crunch in reality, your date may just not be that in to you (metaphorically speaking – you should never let him get that far on a first date!). You have to prepare yourself for that possibility.

What you mustn’t do is let that tentativeness at least stop you from giving dating a go. It’s an absolute fact that nothing tangible will ever happen between you if you just stay online dating all your lives. Yes, you may not want to risk breaking up a cyberspace friendship but, in reality, if you get on that well on your dating site that you feel ready to date, you should at least have a decent time, no matter what the romantic outcome.

Don’t build your hopes up too high

The danger is, of course, that if you let your nerves build up to such an extent, you’ll also find that your expectations increment at a similar rate. Regain focus.

It may feel like such an achievement that you’ve actually asked your online partner to start dating, and it so is, but what may be a first time for you may be a regular jaunt for your newfound partner. It’s a first date you’re going on, not your honeymoon; keep it in perspective.

Love at first sight happens, but rarely

Your first date may have left you feeling a little deflated, it is usual. But that is usually because you set your expectation level too high in the first instance. If the birds aren’t singing his name or you’ve not started annoying your mates down the pub with hers yet, don’t panic – and certainly don’t judge someone on this basis.

Love is like a flower, a thing of natural beauty that takes time to root, nurture, grow and eventually blossom. If you got on well with your date, had plenty in common and don’t recall anything that rang any alarm bells, give the relationship the exposure it needs to bloom, its day in the sunshine, and see how you feel after the pressure of a first date is not hanging over you like a dementor.

Feeling ready to start dating, yet? A few more lessons tomorrow, then you should be done. See you then. x

Seal of approval for dating site writers

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A lot of ‘articles’ that we read in cyberspace that supposedly contain information about online dating are nothing but cannon-fodder for Google. Search-engine friendly they may be; next winner of the crystal clear writing award, I think not. There are one or two exceptional writers out there in dating land whose posts I always take the time out to read, showcasing their opinions on global dating sites, Kelly Seal being one such writer who never fails to deliver fresh content from a different perspective and puts a bit of the writer into the prose and it shows. It’s refreshing.  If ever there was a solid argument for Web 2.0, eradicating spammers, scammers and spinners has got to be it.

However, until that day arrives, I accept my lot that the feeds upon which I base some of the more nitty-gritty aspects of online dating, such as figures, statistics and research (yeah, I know: boring, but often relevant), I have to wade through copious amounts of poorly scribed English, punctuation, tense and spelling errors before I actually decide that there were “78% of dating site members populating on the forums”, and not “copulating on the forums,” as stated – I nearly cut my fingers with credit card plastic to sign up before I realised the err in spelling on that occasion, I can tell you.

However, to the point of this little aside article, other than to acknowledge the wonderful Kelly Seal who, if Google’s new parameters truly are “Content is king” when it comes to judging page rank (although, on the evidence of the above, I’m yet to be convinced that they have got the algorithm for filtering out spun material bang on, yet), will one day be my queen as we lay waste and look out upon the devastation we have caused before us, when it comes to re-writing the rules about writing dating site content, I did come across a feed earlier this week by a writer who, although not of native English tongue, had a good enough grasp of the concept to make a few very valid points about men on dating sites, their attitudes towards the fairer sex and sex itself, and women’s perceptions of said males.

So, in my next article, I will pay homage to said writer who, rather than just use article spin software did try to re-write those words in as close as a version as they could muster to the mother tongue of our nation and made a fair stab at it, to boot.

If you’re lucky enough to have been paid this side of the end of the month, I guess you’ll be out meeting guys and gals who you’ve been in contact with on your dating site during these last long, dark teatimes of the soul since last we were paid – doesn’t it seem like an age? For all the rest of you out there in dating land, see you here tomorrow!

Stealth the key to commanding dating site chat-rooms

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Here’s a bit of a tip for those of you out there in dating land who have seen someone you quite fancy but are perhaps new to online dating and haven’t quite got the hang of approaching other singles on your dating site, yet or are not quite convinced by someone’s dating profile that you want to actually strike up a relationship with them.

Most dating sites have a chat-room or dating site forum that you can literally add your comment to any one of the threads that are live. Some dating sites have these facilities for paid members only, but even on free dating sites this is usually one of the features they advertise to entice sign-ups.

First of all, copy the user name of the single you’re interested in; you can write it down and search manually through the live threads but, for this tip, you’re better off highlighting the user name then either right-clicking it and clicking ‘Copy’ from the drop-down menu or pressing the CTRL + C function if you have keyboard shortcuts enabled in your browser.

Then, head over to the chat-room, open in a new window and press the CTRL + F keys which, in theory, should take you through all of the instances that the user name appears on the forum. Now – that’s the easy bit.

Dating site forums can be on diverse topics – everything from the latest soap news (sad but true), to how tight your last date was to dating site etiquette – it’s all covered on there. Find a thread where the single’s made a comment or, even better, started the thread, then make a comment on the same thread. But make the topic one that you know something about; the idea is to impress this target single with your knowledge on a subject they’ve chosen to comment on, hence they have at least a passing interest in.  If there’s nothing that you’re up to speed with but you sooo want to make contact, do a little research first.

One of the great things about threads is that they don’t have to be live giving you ample opportunity to go away and polish up on your knowledge first; only then respond with a killer comment. The bonus comes when the ‘online now‘ icon flashes next to the single’s user id and it is a topic you’re passionate about – you can dive straight into the action and see if they’re all that their dating profile makes them out to be.

This will improve your stealth tactics and get you chatting with new members; even if your target single isn’t the one to respond, you will have started to strike up relationships with others and you’ll have more of an idea whether this dating site is worth sticking around for – often, you get more feedback about any chosen online dating site from its existing membership than anything the site professes to offer in its advertising.

Blow the dust off your dating site profile

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Is your dating site profile still giving you grief? Do you want to sell yourself more but not sure when you’re overstepping the mark? Well, here’s a quick overview of several aspects that, even though you may have been online dating for a while, never hurt to run a fine-toothed comb through to eradicate any nits. What a shocking image to portray for a dating site…

Okay – first and foremost, how recent is your photograph and when was the last time you changed it? You may have paid for the upgrade to your dating site membership, but there are possibly others who are solely checking out profiles based on the one image that the dating site has granted them access to before they decide to take the plunge, themselves. Brains are quite acute when it comes to recognising images they’ve seen before. Your Mr. Right could be right now browsing the profile photos and skimming over yours if he’s seen it once or twice previously.

Shake your gallery up a bit, even if it’s just to prove you’ve got more than one good side to those with whom you’ve been corresponding for some time. A change of scenery or style of outfit will soon have dating site members with different interests taking a second look at you (if they weren’t before) and that new profile image now plays to their weakness.

Dating site trends change. What was en vogue last month can become de rigeur overnight. If you’ve seen a drop off in your popularity rate, take the time out to see what the ‘most viewed’ profiles (nearly every dating site‘s got a section like that) are saying about themselves. There may be a common theme that is likewise one of your attributes, but you’ve just not thought to include it in your profile.

Is there an element of your dating profile that’s mundane? I like chocolate, for example. If you like Rocky Road, then emphasise it – “I was having a Thornton’s slab of Rocky Road the other day and it made me droooolll” – okay, that’s perhaps not something you wanna put exactly in those words, but it was better than saying ‘it nearly gave me an orgasm’ – that’s seriously messed up! But you get the picture.

Okay – and the last one for today: does anything in your dating site profile seem far-fetched to the point that no one quite believes you’re on the level? Excelling at something shows pure talent, but to greet someone for the first time with: “I’ve got the highest IQ in the world” may well be true, but it may come across as boastful and even induce inferiority, enough put a prospective date off initiating contact. Mention that you have intellectual tendencies by all means, but keep the real heavy stuff in your armoury – you never know if you’re gonna need back-up when the competition hots up, later on.

Happy dating, y’all – let’s hope today’s three articles can entice a few more hopeful singles your way, leaving you spoilt for choice.

Call in the SWOT team for a dating site makeover

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I knew if I paid attention long enough at business school, some of it would come in handy, one day. Today, we’re going to talk about SWOT. Not the US strong arm of the police force, but a self-assessment you can do so you have some idea of how you’re perceived by your dating site buddies and what you can do to raise your dating site profile.

SWOT, in business terms, is an acronym for Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities and Threats. If you know your strengths and the opportunities for growth you can play the dating site to those tunes. If you’re aware of areas that need attention, your weaknesses and threats, you can bolster and barricade against them, with the aim of turning them into the two positive factors. So, in a dating site sense, here’s your SWOT makeover.

Strengths. It’s great to have them, but you have to get the balance just right. If you possess a great set of pearly whites, capped off with a cute little dimple, that will make for a winning smile. Make sure your dating site profile image captures those elements in the best light. If you try to emphasise your terrific teeth too much, you may just come across as looking goofy. Always get a real close friend to take your dating site profile photo with a quality digital camera. They’ll tell you honestly when you’ve got the look just so.

Weaknesses. Everyone has a fallibility, no matter who they are. What you need to take care not to do is emphasise them in your profile. Your particular fondness of cats, for example, to you may be natural but it has become synonymous with the bachelorette. If you’re trying to attract someone for a long-term relationship, sure, mention your cat’s name if you must, but keep in mind what your dating profile’s there for and introduce the degree of your passion when the relationship can support it.

Opportunities. Right now, you may be an underling in the office, but you know you’re working on a vocational qualification or day-release course that pretty soon is going to usurp your current role. Don’t dumb down your existing role, but big up what it is you’re aiming to be at work and start to think like person. It may just attract someone who you thought out of your league. A word of warning: don’t get carried away – you’ve got to get that qualification first!

Threats. Competition on dating sites can be immense, even though there are so many millions of users. Do not be drawn into bitchy games with someone else on your dating site who’s gunning for your man/woman. Play it cool, be yourself and apply dignity to every response you make. If the person you’ve got in your sights has anything about them, they’ll recognise your integrity. If they don’t, then it’s their loss, not yours.

The key to the whole SWOT table is identifying the negative aspects and turning them into positives. The more adept you get at that, not only will you be a more sought after target on your dating site, but you’ll be a more rounded person for it.

Can you stand to acid test your dating profile?

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I’m honoured that so many of you feel my contribution worthy to your dating cause; and yes, as well as the many other dating site profile tips we’ve written, I’ll be only too glad to expand.

It seems that many of you out there in dating land are still not getting enough responses; let me clarify, responses that you think your personality and dating site profile deserve.

Okay, here’s a little test – and this is an acid test of you and your online dating buddies; for brut honesty and so that the answers aren’t subjected to bias of any kind, run this test on people you’ve only recently started to get to know. Think of it as: I’ve made my first impression; what’s your impression of my first impression? They’re more likely to go with their gut than someone who you’ve known for a while and started to build up a rapport or relationship with.

It is an acid test, remember, so be prepared for the fall out and choose your subjects wisely. You have to get down to the nitty gritty and ask them what they think of you. If you’re honest with yourself, you know what your shortcomings are so create the questions with an answer to that end in mind, but don’t be so deliberate as to outright ask the question you’re looking for the answer to.

For instance, you want to know what someone who you may be interested in dating thinks about your hair. First, make sure that the dating profile photo online is the one you want the opinion of and that the member’s got access to. Never hurts to double check the detail.

Instead of blurting out: “Do you like my hair?”, which for one is a direct question and someone could just give a yes or no to, which satisfies one query but opens up a whole string of unanswered questions, but it is also obvious that you’re fishing for a yes answer.

You’re better to construct the question something along the lines of: “What colour tint do you think would look good with my hairstyle?” or “I’m not so sure whether my hair looks better straight or with a wave; what do you think?” It not only encourages more than a one-syllable answer, but also for them to justify their response. And you can do this with so many personality traits, as well as the physical aspects of your make up, that pretty soon you’ll be tweaking your dating site profile to the best effect – but only ever to the extent that you’re happy with.  If they say: “Shave it off!” and you’ve been growing it for two years, perhaps that person doesn’t have your best interests at heart.

Up next, to read in conjunction with this article: Call in the SWOT team for a dating site makeover

All you gotta do is act naturlich

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Oh, those dulcet tones of Ringo – every time I hear one of The Beatles songs where the afore-mentioned Mr. Starkey took over from John or Paul, I can’t help but picture Thomas the Tank Engine’s cheeky chops half-obscured by a nearly-beard and a pair of starr-shaped shades singing from behind a set of drums and a microphone.

But he did have a point when he sung that title-line from the Help! LP song, never more so than when it comes to your online dating presence. Living up to an online persona you’ve created that’s as alike as Emu was to the late, great Rod Hull will take some doing, if you’ve created a whacky, zany character when, in reality, you’re the shy, retiring type.

Hiding behind the gazillions of miles of cyberspace encourages many a would-be dater to dispose of their heavily-lacquered safety shell next to their duffel-coat on the coat-rack and transform magically behind their dating site profile into a “Tonight, Matthew, I’m gonna be…” Stud-muffin Steve from Stirchley or Raving Rhona from Reading. Which is fine, as long as you can live up to that expectation when you first meet your dating partner that’s become attracted to that side of you.

If, however, you once crawled back inside your pencil case every time the teacher came out with ‘sex education’ at school but have since discovered that you have the chance to be like that girl/boy you always wanted to be, getting up to no good around the back of the bike sheds, through creating this alter-ego on your dating site, it’s probably a good idea to leave that other you in fantasy chat-land whilst representing the real you behind another personality altogether, more akin to what you’d feel comfortable with in the offline world of dating.

If you are meek – which there’s nothing wrong with; don’t want to upset you – then you should be looking for a genuine date offline who’s going to complement your personality, not crush it like a bug within ten minutes of your meeting. And it’s of little use play-acting up to the role, either; if the character you have created is your Mr. Hyde, Dr. Jekyll will soon get found out by your new partner, which could be devastating for the both of you, shattering confidences a-plenty.

There is nothing inherently wrong with role-play, as long as you recognise it for what it is and be totally upfront on your dating profile that [you're] only there for friendship; the last thing you want – or a person who finds the other you fascinating, for that matter – is an unattainable relationship with someone who simply does not exist, in any real sense.

When you fall for someone on your dating site and they feel the same, in order to be at ease with the relationship offscreen, it is imperative that it is the real you that has attracted them, and vice versa.

Who’s fooling who – do we need a dating coach?

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Back in 2008, Ellen Carter quite succinctly summed up why so many high-earners are paying relationship experts to find them a date from whichever of the dating sites both the loaded single and the mentor subscribe.

The main justification, as far as I can tell, for anyone wanting to part with so much of their cash in return for a dating site being able to deliver what they, so far, have been unable to find themselves – namely a long term partner – is that they simply don’t have the time. I’ll just summarise some of the arguments put forward by the therapists, mentors and University boffins for your digestion and then ask you a simple question at the end of it all.

Online dating is booming; for us mere mortals who do not earn a five-figure monthly income, comitting to a mediocre membership fee is cheaper than a night out, traipsing bars where you may not find one individual who’s interested or interesting enough to warrant the expense. Online dating, pretty much guarantees a captive audience with all but the odd exception gathered in the same place for the same thing – to meet other singles. They’re good at it, they work (if you put the effort in, as we harp on about on dating.org.uk quite a lot).

And that really is the crux – if you put the effort in. When I was in my youth, my beloved aunt (she gets mentioned quite a bit on here and I’m darned sure she’d make a better matchmaker than some I’ve seen referenced in recent articles) tried everything to get me together with her well-to-do clients’ nieces and other mateable-aged female family from the hair-dressing boutique she ran in Staffordshire.  Dates which, inevitably, met with varying amounts of success, but mainly indifference on either my part or the matchmade other, rather just tagging along for the ride, with the odd exception in Katherine. The key thing missing about those liaisons was their downfall from the outset: the element of ‘me’ that went into choosing those dates was knowledge of my make-up that aunt had gleaned over the twenty or so years of knowing me – and even then, that was rarely enough.

Now, you’re not telling me that someone, no matter how much money is thrown at the cause, can impart as much knowledge of themselves to a dubiously-qualified stranger as can be gained from over twenty years of upbringing? And that promise is the premise on which high-end dating sites attract their clients; even if you go to extremes, referring back to Ellen’s 2008 article, that clients are persuaded to commit to a three-month immersion program for $5,000 (heaven knows how much that is now, given that UK top bosses payrises have risen from £1M to £4M in the same period [BBC 6pm news, 23/01/12]), that’s very little time for a mentor to categorically state they know what’s best for a client’s love-life.

And now that question: if someone approached you, via a third party because they were too ‘hyperconnected’ to their job and the real world to come and find you themselves, would you want to date that person? And what sort of life are you plotting for yourself, if you did? I think you’d be fooling yourself if you thought life thereafter was going to be anything other than playing second fiddle to their job and the big-earners kidding themselves if they believe an ‘expert‘ can find them love without them actually being there to make the call; the only winners are the high-end dating sites hoodwinking everyone into making believe it’s possible. To be ‘in true love‘ can only ever be ‘inert love‘, without the element of ‘u‘.

You know you’re not doing your dating, but who is?

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We have written to some extent about the value of paying for paid dating site services on dating.org.uk/ for some time. The one role that we’ve not significantly considered is that played out by the actual relationship expert.

A recent report by one self-styled matchmaking guru claims to have been present at a session for such practitioners to find that they were the only one present who had any relevant experience in the field, let alone any sort of certification to exonerate the fact that they were qualified thus to perform what was asked of them.

If you are a straight male who is genuinely hard pressed for time, earning enough in a month to feed a small African village for twice as long, do you really want a gay graduate or ageing professor deciding who is your best prospect in the online dating community? What say do you get, as the venerable dating site member, in deciding who takes on your case, other than at the point of sign-up for whichever of the growing number of ‘high-end’ online dating facilities you opt for?

Money talks and those who feel empowered enough by their sizeable income to allow someone else to do their matchmaking for them would, you’d think, move in circles where they expect only the best service for their outlay.  From having a personal assistant who knows how to get the coffee just so (amongst their other duties, obviously) to only buying from clothes shops that get the fit ‘just so’, service is almost expected and only noticed when it’s sub-standard.  Is this message getting through to the top niche of the dating world, delivering a service second to none or are they leaving their clients hanging on because, let’s face it, their can only be so big a market for entrepreneurs willing to part with such commanding monthly fees?

If the recent report is true, those gathered at the recent council of relationship experts included those who done their dating training before the Internet was a force to be reckoned with, was littered with people who had a same-sex orientation and even those who took on the role of cupid only on a part-time basis to fund their passage through college.

In a deviation from our usual path, over the next two days, we will unearth the secrets behind who’s doing your matchmaking for you and once again pose the question: is anyone really suited to find your perfect partner other than you? Look forward to your company.

How to create the perfect dating site profile 3

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Thank you for getting back to us, as we almost draw the line under you and your perfect dating site profile. The first bit of advice today is going to seem a little contradictory to yesterday’s piece which stated that the words in a dating site profile are more important than a photo for wanting another single on your dating site to get in touch with you.

I stand by that statement, however, before someone takes the time out to read about what you have in common to perhaps form the basis of an offline relationship, you need a photograph that’s going to enrapture them in the first instance. Simple? It’s easier said than done, getting that just-so look.

By ‘just-so’, I don’t mean contrived. A professionally shot photograph I’m sure has its place – your dating site profile photo ain’t that place. If your pic is a bit too polished, it does somewhat give the impression of ‘too much maintenance’, and that, no matter what time and effort your future partner puts in, you’ll only ever be interested in how you look or feel, no one else.

In this world today where everything you buy has a digital camera of some description fitted into it somewhere, there is no excuse for not having a decent photo of yourself that you can upload. For the ladies, one with as little make-up as you would dare walk out of the house in is the ticket. Guys genuinely want to see the real you, not a Boots make-up assistant, plastered up in #7.

Gents, clean shaven, please. Even if you sport a beard or stubble, make sure it’s trimmed and not like you’ve just not shaven for three days. And smile, genuine, with the eyes as well as the teeth – knocks girls bandy, a winning smile and a bit of a dimple, so I’m reliably told. Classy black and white is always a good touch (any digital media device or laptop has this facility, quick and easy to do, too), especially if you’re wanting to stand out from the rest of the dating site crowd and draw the ladies to the rest of your exceptional profile.

So, yes – perhaps I did understate the purpose of a photograph yesterday, but if I’d not done, you’d have taken no notice of those notes and just gone off happy-snapping, which was not the point of the exercise. One last word about photos: if the online dating facility you are using allows you to upload a gallery (usually a feature with paid dating sites), do it, showing off as many of your good sides as your modesty – or the dating site – will allow, if you know what I mean?

Join me a little later on today when we talk about why honesty is always the best policy and how expressing yourself is as important to your dating site fan club as an indirect question is to a psychologist. Laters. x

How to create the perfect dating site profile

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Writing your dating site profile should be a simple task. Hah! The first time you come to do it, if you’re serious about getting other singles to respond to your ad (and make no mistake, you are selling yourself and your virtues across your dating site platform), you may get just a tad flumoxed. No fear, dating.org.uk‘s here with a veritable plethora of useful tips to help you create the perfect online dating presence.

Stand out from the (madding) crowd

To make an impression on the masses of seasoned pros who are gathering online in search of their perfect partner – or just a bit of flirtatious fun, no harm done – you have to craft a vision of you that will stop the dating site community dead in its tracks – it can be done!

There are several absolute key aspects to remember when writing a good résumè and what you can offer to prospective singles. Yes, it’s got to be about you, but what does “brand you” offer over and above the gift-wrapped extra special range of dating site membership or put you in a higher bracket than the smart price daters whose profiles lack the poise and finesse that you want yours to possess, if only you knew the recipe for dating site success. Well, here are the staple ingredients; add that splash of you to cook up something spectacular.

Be true to yourself

When you’re first browsing other singles on a new dating network, it can be very easy to fall into the trap of wanting to love everyone who entices you to click through their photo and read more about them. But it’s like: where do you start? That’s what we’ll look to uncover, the start, finish and bit in the middle to bring you the ultimate online dating experience.

A lot of the advice contained over the following articles will require the use of a notepad of the old fashioned kind, not the word processor you have on your laptop, you know – with a pencil – remember them? Once you’ve read through this, print it off (copy the text into Word, or similar, otherwise the pink background may use a lot of your ink!) and digest the information thus far, so that you’re building a cut out and keep reference to refer to forever and ever, Amen. So, before we move on to the next article, pop off and get your A4 pad and a pencil. See you back here on dating in a second, here…

How to create the perfect dating site profile 2

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…back so soon? Glad you could make it.

Okay, dating sites: always keep in the forefront of your mind that it’s impossible to meet everyone who you quite fancy; for some of the dating sites with in excess of 7-figure membership, like this one, you couldn’t even PM them all in a lifetime.

So, write down what it is about someone that really floats your boat. Make notes of user names, even create a grid and score your potential partners in areas such as hobbies, smoking, dietary requirements, size of their feet, attitude, outlook on life and, most importantly, what do they want from their dating experience – if they’re looking for bit of adult fun only and you need commitment, move on; you’ll only be wasting both of yours time by initiating contact.

There are so many attributes that can make a difference to your online dating being a success or a failure and you need to be aware of them all. People who get the most out of online dating put the most effort in, it is that simple.

A picture paints a thousand words – pish – not on dating site profiles!

You’ll soon come to learn that, although it’s a profile photograph that initially grabs your attention – causing whiplash if you see another singleton who really does it for you, instantly – it’s the words beneath that will make you want to follow through and initiate contact.

Whether you start with a wink, a smile or, if you’ve upgraded to a paid dating service (recommended), e-mail or a private message, it’s the words that count, time and again. Honest, articulate and *spelt correctly*; anything less and it will come across as if you couldn’t care less. There’s no excuse for spelling things incorrectly; if you’ve got MS Word or similar word processing software, use the spellchecker on there before you send your intimate musings. It genuinely is the little details that make you more attractive than the competition.

Right – we’ll leave lesson one there. Grab that notepad and pencil (you’ll do some erasing, so stick to the lead – bet you thought you’d be needing a different sort of rubber, eh?!). Print off this piece – here’s a tip: sign up to the RSS at the bottom of the page and add it to your feeds; it’s a lot easier to print or share, especially if you’re adding it to your Google reader, and you’re guaranteed never to miss another article by Y. T. Then, write on your notepad what it is you want from online dating, what you expect from a partner and then make yourself a grid or tick-sheet, sticking to what you think is relavent to your search, to build up a profile of your perfect date; you’ll start to recognise quickly genuine candidates, as and when you come across them.

Stuck for ideas? If your sheet’s pretty blank, have a browse around some of the free UK dating sites to get an idea of what criteria other singles are writing about themselves or characteristics they’re judging others on. Then, in no particular order, you’ll be starting to fill in some of the blanks. ‘Til Saturday, then. x

That dating site’s got some Nerve

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At the turn of this wonderful Millennium, when the world of online dating was still considered a shady haven for deviants and weirdoes alone, existed Nerve Personals, an off-shoot subheading targeting what can only be described as adult dating for the readers of the well-regarded Nerve.com. The ‘Personals’ section did little to dispel the rumours that dating sites were just one step down the ladder from soft porn, and was tagged as a place were you could go find ‘literal smut’, if you had, well, the nerve. Dot com.

As other dating sites came to prominence and blossomed into what we now know and love as respectable places to go and court your next beau, Nerve ‘Personals’ sections readership diminished, and the dating aspect was set assail and left to FastCupid to handle, a collaboration that expired only last year.

From those ashes, however, promises an all-new dating experience that does away with the traditional matchmaking aspects of your mainstream dating sites, rather, incorporating the user-friendly interface of social media as the en vogue way to meet your next potential partner online.

Sean Mills, CEO of Nerve, is abandoning the scientific approach and dispensing with algorithms based on a static dating site profile. The emphasis for the new dating site will be on fun, as is the wont of the template sites used to derive their new one, namely Twitter, The Facebook and Tumblr.

Rather than rely on a profile that may have been relevant to the dating single when they created the account, the new dating site will be focused on what their membership is doing in the here and now. Using ‘icebreakers’ such as ‘what good film you streamed recently?’ or ‘did you watch that pile of tripe from the Molineux, last night?’, Sean hopes for real-time interaction, finding common ground for its dating membership that really matters.

There is a free dating site membership with the new site, however this only permits the very basic service that the dating site has to offer, and there is a very real reason for this (other than they obviously need to make a profit to keep ‘Nerve Dating’ afloat).

Mills wants to create a safe place for his paid membership as well as promote the fact that dating sites are about just that – dating – not just a place for people to chat online; there is social media for that, although being as public as it is and winding people up in the divorce courts may not serve as an appropriate place to start an elicit affair.

For $20/month, it is hoped that the fee will “keep creepiness to a minimum” and discourage those who have no real intention of using the dating site as a place to meet other singles serious about getting together offline and, most of all, have some fun doing it!

The parent site, Nerve, attracts 2,000,000 unique visitors per month and Sean hopes that that readership and its predecessor’s reputation can catapult it to the top of the rankings and become a real competitor to the other mainstream online dating agencies.

Alikening the launch of the site to the opening of Studio 54, back in the seventies, we hope that Mills has took out the relevant licences and will not be raided in the first month of opening for impropriety – know Nerve.com’s history, that would come as no surprise.

Savvy single or hapless hopeful

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Wherever there’s a gang of mixed friends, there’s always the one who states categorically that they prefer the single life when, in truth, you all know that they’re just hopeless with the opposite sex. Very often they’re named Steve or Dave if they’re blokes, Ange or Debbie if they’re of the fairer sex.  If you sent them into a room full of desperate singles, they’d only come out pulling their…

…okay, face, but you know what I mean?

There are genuinely people who prefer the single life; the field is there to be played, whether it’s bars or dating sites it doesn’t matter; they work hard all week building a nest egg for the future and they go out and have a bit of fun of the weekend. If, for whatever reason, they don’t pull, it’s water of a duck’s back – they’ll be here or there again next week, giving it another bash.

Then there are those gagging for a relationship, but that desperation reeks more than the half a bottle of smelly-nice they put on as they leave the house, nip back in to apply a bit more just to be sure, and that overpowering combination sees them skulking off before the end of the night because they’ve been rejected, yet again.

It’s difficult to put your finger on exactly what it is they’re doing wrong but, like a virgin on a first date with Quagmire, their fate is sealed before they even leave the house, ponging of Kouros and desperation.

There’s an interesting article just been published in The States about what hapless singles may be doing wrong in their approach to the opposite sex; over the next two articles, I’ll translate that post for a UK dating audience so that, even if you’re not Dave or Debbie, you can perhaps pass on a few pointers for them next time they log on to their dating site or you can arm yourself with the information to really rub it in next time you’re pulling, there knot.

1. Being picky
Is your friend looking for too much in a date, therefore narrowing their options to such a point that the likelihood of them finding an exact match is still awaiting the copy-editors red pen in a Disney studio, somewhere?

Let’s face it, for a guy, the next Kate Moss or Claudia Schiffer is not going to be the next person to walk through the door of your local spit and sawdust bar. For the girls, the Nick Camen’s of this world do not drop by and strip in the launderette to a Marvin Gaye soundtrack.

If that’s where your friend’s hanging out, he gets what he gets; girls dreaming whilst watching the washing machine go around, likewise. The same can be said about dating sites. If Ange is only flitting between the free dating site services, just scrolling down profiles that don’t match the list of 20 ‘must-have’s in a potential partner, she’s hardly going to find someone who’s a) all of the above and, b) unwilling to invest the requisite time, effort and hard earned cash in finding the perfect match online to make a go of a relationship of any description. Again, you get what you pay for.

More in the next two articles (click the tag ‘Debbie and Dave’ on Friday to bring up the entire dating site thread for this mini series), starting with positivity and integrity, two key factors to making your dating site work for you.

Global dating sites and askew dating numbers

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Welcome back, and thanks for joining us for the fourth – and definitely final, this time – part in this enthralling look into the relevance of today’s dating sites compared to how they were viewed by Sarah Harris, CEO of cupidnights.com and planetsappho.com, back in 2005. Click the tag ‘prophetic words’ at the bottom of this article to bring up the other three articles.

In conclusion, we look at why the multi-national, million-plus membership dating sites are little more than a contact site and the imbalance of men to women that existed then and is still prevalent, now.

When Sarah wrote the article, she referred to the global dating sites at the top of the tree as having ‘hundreds of thousands of members’; obviously, you can add at least one zero onto the biggest sites, these days, and then some! However, the sentiment expressed then – that they are little more than sites for people who like to chat to other singles online in a type of instantaneous, cyberspace pen-pal relationship – remains the same.

Admittedly, Sarah did have a vested interest when she advised the dating populous to stick to dating sites that had a concentration of singles ‘in your region’ as cupidnights.com is a dating site for Londoners only.

There are two issues with this, if you live outside the capital:
1. you can’t assess what percentage of members will be local until you have signed up and, if we go back to the point of ‘you get what you pay for‘, paid your membership fee, which may prove to be fruitless
2. search Google for free dating sites in your area with the tag #[your town] – I’ve just searched for Wolverhampton and Black Country dating sites and the results, considering the urban density of the population(s), wouldn’t entice me to sign up if they were paying me.

My advice, if you are determined to stay local and only want pen-pals for anyone who lives further than the end of your street, is get to know a few people on the free dating sites at first, and see if they can point you to a great paid service, like those on our matchmaker here at dating.org.uk, which has members local enough to cure you of your agoraphobia.

Sarah’s last point refers to the askew dating figures, where the guys outnumber the gals 60/40. You think it’s bad in the West? Go East, where males are the preferred offspring and there are limits to the amount of children permitted per couple – then you really see the books unbalanced.

The key for lads on dating sites that are imbalanced is to get your profile bang on so that you stand out head and shoulders above the competition. As well as your dating site profile, there is other dating etiquette that should be followed.

Answer all e-mails promptly and courteously; if you are not into someone, tell them straight and don’t leave them hanging on – but let them down gently. If you are interested, do not bombard your potential partner, but be restrained, totally honest and let them know that you’re interested without smothering them with winks and smiles, building up their confidence gradually until they are ready to date offline. Do not pressure the girls – it won’t work and you will soon get a reputation which will put off other singles who may have otherwise shown an interest in you.

Dating sites – if owners don’t invest in it, why should you?

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The third installment of our four-thread article (it was going to be three and I apologise – there’s more updated info about the world of online dating than I had estimated; bit of a faux pas, je suis desolé, mes amis) looking back at guides in the early days of online dating and how much of what was said back then still impacts on today’s much larger market.

Back in 2005, Sarah Harris, CEO of planetsappho.com, gave the following advice – and I have to say, it’s the most savvy I’ve come across in my time writing for dating.org.uk – for all would be cyberspace lovers. Here, we condense what she had to say back then, with a today’s slant to update its relevance, only where necessary.

top of the tree for a reason

Anyone can buy a dating site in a box and literally be on line hosting their own dating site platform within an hour. It’s true.

Not that the ads are misleading, but to make these sites profitable and to deliver the dream of being a dot.com millionaire, takes time, effort, patience, further investment and true dedication to the cause.

Don’t believe the hype when you see an ad saying ‘set and forget‘. You most certainly can create a monster and leave it in its cave, but without constant maintenance, endeavour and understanding the market (something imperative to be a success and is extremely time consuming with research, even if you think you know ‘a bit’ about it), that creature will stay in hibernation and never make you a dime.

The dating sites that have the highest conversion rates have done this for you, making the dating site both user friendly and affordable.

The all-important factor that so many dating site members do not see yet take for granted is the ongoing man-power hours working ‘under the hood’ of the highest-rated dating sites to ensure that you, the avid online dater, have a constant influx of newbies to choose from.

Behind those pages of hopeful singles, dating site profiles and chat rooms are the Internet scientists and psychologists that deliver you smooth browsing, uninterrupted chat and the latest technology to keep them at the top of the dating industry.

But the single most important factor to any online dating agency is its visibility. By that, I mean being at the top of the search engine rankings for the keywords, and renewing fresh content that appeals to the likes of Google, Yahoo and Bing. Without those hundreds of people constantly refreshing the site’s content, reacting to surveys of its dating site membership and allowing the user to have a hassle-free experience, those dating sites would be nothing.

Free dating sites, in the main, cannot commit this many man-hours, which is why your membership fee is important to the continuity of the top dating sites; like Sarah says in that post going back to 2005, like everything in life, you get what you pay for.

The concluding article for this mini-series will be tomorrow, now; please come back and read it; it promises to be information no dating site user should be without. In the meantime, please feel free to search for your perfect partner online, here.

Dating site expectations are often too high

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We continue today’s dating.org.uk thread looking back at an appraisal that Sarah Harris, CEO of Cupidnights.com, made of dating sites and their members seven years ago, when the online dating world had a very different, rather desolate and shady landscape opposed to the one we see today.

The figures have grown massively over the short period since the article was posted, but the percentages, for the next two topics at least, are surprisingly similar. So, on we go: advice from a dating site CEO about the errors many dating site members make and why blaming your dating platform is not the right thing to do.

dating site success

When Sarah wrote the article, the figures showed that only 5% of all new members end up as a success story as a result of meeting another single they’ve met via their dating platform.

Today, with one dating site claiming to be responsible for 5% of all US marriages not so long ago, you would think that has changed, but that depends on what you class as a successful experience on your dating site.

A recent survey highlighted the fact that marriage is not the be and all for many, many dating site users. In fact, those results rather indicated that singles will register with a dating site already knowing what they want from their time spent online dating. Marriage was indeed the yardstick members of one matchmaking site measured their success by, whereas another was simply a promise of commitment and the third was purely any type of regular relationship; these were all well known, branded sites who took part in the survey.

Apathetic daters a waste of space

Another of source of Sarah’s chagrin was the amount of users who just could not be bothered to make the effort. In fact, she carries on to state that, the ten percent of dating site members who do get ‘smiles’ or ‘winks’ aside, the other 90% who berate the service after sign up just “don’t deserve any success.”

And it’s true. Much as she likens those ‘success’ stories to real life figures, the same can be said of dating site members who just do not put the effort in to attract their target audience.

Successful online dating is all about personifying your dating site profile to portray an upbeat, honest you that people want to contact and be with.  Look at your profile, now, and ask yourself who’s to blame for not enough traffic responding to your profile.  Go on, now!

If you went to your local bar with your hair a bedraggled mess, without brushing your teeth, applying make up or deodorising, what chances would your stand of pulling? None, other than the drunk in the corner.

Dating site profiles are no different. They represent you – you may be the catch of the decade, but if your profile doesn’t say that, how on earth are the millions of other dating site members outside your little bubble going to know?

The gravity of success your time spent online dating will be comensurate to the time and effort you put in to crafting and maintaining your online profile.

We conclude today’s thread in the next article with an overview of dating sites in general and why going for a paid membership will always beat a free dating site on levels of service hands down, every time.

A prophetic view of dating sites from before Wii knew them

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Back in 2005, a certain Sarah Harris posted an article about ‘The whole truth about online dating‘; as chief executive officer of her own dating website, she spoke as an authority on the subject. That UK dating site is still going, as is its sister, dedicated to helping find lesbians find their one true love online. More on those sites later.

Upon reading the article, although it can certainly be termed as dated on the basis of how long ago it was written, the messages therein still hold true, perhaps even more-so now than they did back then. Given the backdrop that online dating was viewed against seven years ago, still very much with a stigma hanging above its head (long since banished, thankfully), the article can be considered, I believe, as quite brave and groundbreaking.

Today’s three articles will take those still-valid points, embellish on them where possible to suit today’s online dating market and, of course, amend any quoted figures to reflect the $2bn industry that online dating is today, compared to the wafer-thin cousin it was before Labour released the reigns of UK government, way before the US had its first black President and even before Nintendo released the Wii console!

Giving it that huge drum-roll, I only hope I can do the original article justice, so, here goes; a dating site CEO’s top 6 guide of getting the very best out of online dating.

One – dating site usage figures

The stigma attached to dating sites only seven years ago is very much in evidence in Sarah’s first point. She alludes to the fact that, although 40% of all singles were, or had, used a dating site at one time or another, most would have rather stated, at the time, that they had met their latest beau in a club or a bar.

How times have changed! Firstly, that demographic almost totally excludes the fastest growing sector of Internet dating online in 2011, the ‘baby boomers’ of yesteryear, categorised as those in the 55+ age bracket. Latest figures report that the current percentage of dating or matchmaking site users in the US is a little over 10% of the entire population, let alone singles.*

And not admit to using a dating site? Now, many singles (and, to be fair, married folk) would rather meet someone online and get to know them in more depth first by having a quiet night in on the pull, rather than traipse around bars, fuelled with alcohol leading to who-knows-where? on a first date.

Thankfully, for Sarah’s business, the interpretation of the term dating site has become a lot more wholesome since she posted that first point; admittedly, the platform still has a way to go before becoming the safest way to date, due to the recurring ‘scamming‘ problem, but that is coming under more scrutiny as the authorities have joined forces with dating site owners to enforce technology that has come on leaps and bounds, even just in this last year.

Please follow us to the next two topics, which address success rates and positive contact figures. I’m sure those figures have changed beyond all recognition, too…

*datingsitesreviews

Kevin, meet Barry – you’re both going home single, tonight

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In a recent study by German dating site eDarling.de, they found Kevin and Dennis the least likely names to attract responses from the female dating population amongst its membership. Guys, if you’re reading this, head down under as the Kiwis have no such aversion to your monikers.

If, on the other hand, your name is Barry, you’d be better advised to stay in the northern hemisphere as the Bazza’s of this world had no luck whatsoever on the dating sites New Zealand had to offer.

Hang on, Barry, Kevin and Dennis – it’s the cast from Auf wiedersehn, Pet, innit?  Mmm, suppose The Kiwis are close to Oz.  Ah, well – on with the show…

Hot Rods and blistering Brads

If, on the other hand, you were lucky enough to be christened Rod or Brad, you were more or less guaranteed to have your response at least read by an anxious single awaiting your contact. Having your messages opened, however, was not necessarily the be all and end all, according to findsomeone’s manager, Rick Davies.

Rick concocted an algorithm that deduced, from the amount of mail traffic and the number of smiles (beats having a wink, I guess) someone received what were the hot names, the cool (as in frigid) ones, but also those that experienced the most success. The results prove conclusively that the name is not the only factor and that, how articulate or funny you are and what you have in your dating profile, does count.

Of all the male names in the country, Cameroon Cameron took the biscuit for the best pulling name across the dating site for 2011; this was based on the fact that, once they’d been contacted, they were seen on the dating site no more. Leaving the rest to feed off the crumbs, no doubt.

However, victorious names did alter from state to state. In Wellington, for example, the Daniels really put the boot into the Barry’s, whereas the Fiona’s left the Angela’s sole-destroyed.

Nationally, for the ladies event, Mel just pipped Tina to first spot as the most likely name to actually findsomeone, although the guys found Becky to be the hottest, having the highest ratio of responses to online dating contact.

The camera never lies

Joining Barry as the most spurned members from the female half of the dating site was Jacqueline; however, Davies did have some advice for all of those who appeared on the least-wanted lists. And that was to give yourself maximum exposure. Your name may be off-putting to the dating site community but if you’re picture perfect, then upload a gallery of yourself.

He went on to underline the fact that any success, whether it is what you scribe in your dating profile or the quality of your show-reel of photos, it’s all about advertising yourself.

His results also indicated that ill-written or -conceived grammar could be a barrier to your dating success. Poor punctuation often failed to get a response, as did sleaze. Rather, the emphasis was about getting things right, from the profile, up. Good advice to anyone considering having a crack at online dating!

Dating sites from shy-guy to fly-guy

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If you have never approached a woman through a lack of confidence, or just because you are generally introverted, what are you ever going to do about getting married?

Irrespective of who you are, the first date is a whole kettle of writhing snakes slithering away in your brain, belly, just about everywhere. But we all have to get through that initial liaison to truly put a stake in the heart of those dating nerves.

Extroverts usually pile in, get the experience under their belt before they’ve had their first shave and, due to the amount of shy people, or people who are more guarded about approaching the opposite sex, they have the playing field for themselves for years. Oh, yes…

The good news is for those who’ve stood on the sidelines wishing that they had the same level of bravado as being exhibitted by their peers is that women, once they get to serious dating age, have had a belly-full of finger-clicking, trophy-toting boyfriends and, like on that very first date, want to get the snakes out of the way for someone a whole lot more settled.

So, all you shy mothers, get on out there and dance (sorry, couldn’t resist)!

Dating sites were just made for the more retiring personality. If you stick your oar in and don’t get a peep (which is unlikely – there’s usually someone who says ‘Hi!’, especially if you post a pleasant dating site profile photo), but if you don’t, no harm done. Who’s ever going to know that you’re sitting there blushing because you’ve spoken up, for once, but your request has fell on deaf ears? Over a dating site forum, as long as you’re articulate and stick within the guidelines of the site, your voice will be as loud as everyone else’s.

In fact, if you utilise that stealth, that strength gained from standing back in the past, whilst the rest of your chosen online dating community rip each other to shreds and then time your well-rehearsed response to devastating effect, you will suddenly find you have a whole host of new admirers.

As your relationships grow, so will your confidence. Before you know it, you’ll be leading the conversations in the chat rooms, approaching other singles on the dating site and, well, when you get to that stage, you’ll need no more advice from me.

To get you on your way, we’ve chosen a whole host of top-class dating sites for you to begin that journey, shed that skin of shyness and leap, head first, into the world of online dating!

p.s. – if you do get rejections, and everyone does (even I had one or two) don’t let it bother you; they’re the ones losing out and will never know the opportunity they missed!

Can we just stay friends?

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If, like many of the UK dating population, you are members of more than one dating site, you are inevitably going to have to let some of the budding singles who contact you down. A lot of people take this slight on their advances for granted, forget about it and move on to their next target.

For the one doing the letting down, in this instance you, it can be just as painful as it is for those who don’t take rejection well, especially if you’re addressing an online relationship that has run any course of time. On social media platforms, you have no issue with yourself about blocking someone or rolling a circle out of existence, so why does it feel different on dating sites?

If you’re not careful, it’s very easy to blur that line between “friendship only” and . Although many of the newer dating sites have the feel of your facebook or google plus networking site, the dating site community on there have signed up for a completely different reason.

Let’s just flip the coin, taking you as the ever-hopeful single looking for romance on your laptop screen, as the example.

You must understand that some singles never have the intention of actually meeting up with a date, instead just like the idea of cyberspace penpals with whom they can flirt all night, bottle of wine or beer at their side and they feel like they’ve had a night in on the pull, but the majority do, at some point in the future, want to meet that special someone on the dating site platform(s) of their choosing.

As long as that individual discloses that information in the first instance, then, if you start to fall in love with that person – yep, it can happen – then the onus of responsibility not to let your feelings muddy the issue falls directly on your shoulders.

And that really is the crux of the issue – be totally honest about what you want from your dating site membership when you’re filling in your profile at the outset. Many dating sites have a drop-down menu when you sign up. In order to protect yours and others feelings, choose the healthy option, which is often ‘romance’, rather than anything that points to long term commitment.

If you don’t want to be in the position of asking the ‘can we still be friends’ question, take heed from The Wonderstuff song, from way back in the day: “Don’t let me down, gently, ah, don’t let me down at all“

It’s never been easier to find a date

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Recent reports are suggesting that, in today’s modern society, there are more singles (of dating age) in the world than couples in long-term relationships. And, with the abundance of dating sites cluttering up cyberspace, that fact seems in no way likely to change any time, soon.

In years gone by, there has been a stigma attached to being single, especially for the womenfolk of the world. Up until recently, you were almost a social leper if you let it slip that you’d been using a dating site to find your latest beau.

How times – and perceptions – have changed.

Not only are dating sites now an accepted way of meeting potential partners, they have become an expected way of hooking up with other singles – or those not so single, looking for extra-curricular activity – and are wholly accepted by one and all for the range of opportunities they present to anyone looking to find love online.

The whole arena of online dating that opens up inside your browser can, sometimes, be breathtaking – a plethora of choice to suit every whim. Many sites offer free online dating for those who want to gain a little experience before committing to parting with some of their hard earned cash – that’s wholly understandable; looking to find a long-term partner is a big commitment.

The mistake many singles make, however, is that other individuals who use free dating sites are perhaps not in it for the long-haul, and therefore the new user can be off-put by the initial experience. Like everything in life, you get what you pay for; the same is true in the world of online dating – don’t be dazzled by the stars when you’re only shooting for the moon!

Sometimes, you can look at a profile photo and think: ‘Why would someone like that need to use a dating site?’, if there image is nothing less than stunning you wonder.

If you’re looking for a long-term partner and someone like that, who you would generally consider ‘out of your league’, approaches you, begging you to befriend them or strike up contact, do beware – there can be a reason. Or three.

One – the person getting in contact is not who they say they are and are after your money, nothing else, using flattery, affection and building up trust to do it
Two – the person is only after a fling; in which case, you have a tough decision to make: stick to your guns and hold out for that long term partner, or go with it, have that elicit affair and enjoy the experience
Three – you have struck it lucky and the single of your dreams is there, the other side of your PC Screen on your dating site, and it’s time to say thank you, take your dating site profile down and get on with, well, everything else…

Guys – you need a hand when it comes to dating

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Let’s face it, men need a helping hand when it comes to dating UK women. If it’s not a car key, bottle of beer or includes the word ‘football’, you may as well forget it, when it comes to expecting the average UK male to understand it.

According to the statistical experts out there, there are seven million registered UK dating site members. Roughly ten percent of the population, then, look online for love, either for a non-committal fling or a long-term partnership. Other statistics reckon that the split is about 60/40, in favour of men. That is an awful lot of men using dating sites that know zip about the opposite sex that they’re trying to attract.

So for the guys who are trying and the girls who are fed up of waiting, here’s a quick overview of what women expect from a man on their dating site, with a quick nudge to all the ladies out there about what makes the men tick, other than football, drinking, cars and football.

The difference between men and women, according to one of Europe’s biggest dating sites, incorporating many of our continent’s singles reaching out to find their perfect partner online, is that women are a lot less self conscious about being single. Yep, it’s true. So guys, those forceful or reverse psychology tactics just ain’t gonna cut the mustard when you’re pleading with your online date to make that move.

The only chance you’ve got – and this includes the ‘c’ word – according to the study, is by sincerely heading into the relationship offering a long term commitment (there it is), irrespective of whether marriage is the final outcome, or not.

And don’t worry if your not the prettiest, either. According to the same survey, women judge appearance a lot less than their male dating site counterparts! Only 4 out of 10 women attributed looks as a deciding factor when choosing to contact someone using online dating, whereas half of the men who took part regarded looks as crucial.

Other attributes that scored highly for women all point towards a man being open and honest. Our recent report into the Alpha male was bang on the money if the evidence of this survey is accurate.

Be honest with your woman, do not make up tall stories about yourself. You’ll only have your bubble burst when you start dating offline if you do.

To compliment honesty, women like their men to be open, with no secrets or skeletons in the cupboard that may come back to haunt you at a later date. These two factors, combined with your ability to communicate them in a way that makes them laugh, will certainly encourage your female target to be more responsive, even leading to a possible relationship offline, if you stick to the rules!

Social media and dating sites – what’s the difference?

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The world has gone crazy for social media. It’s accessible from your mobile, your tablet and even the traditional way through your laptop or even older tower PC.

Whether it’s the facebook, Twitter or G+, it seems everyone has an account with one, two or all of them. Different friends, networks and, when you start filtering sites such as LinkedIn into the bargain, job opportunities, too.

Once the 9-5 is over, it’s straight onto your mobile to check your likes, +1′s or mentions and a night in peering over the top of the laptop catching bits and pieces of your favourite show while you catch up with all of your messages online.

All of the above, even the professional networking sites, allow you to display a profile, with pictures and your personal likes, dislkes and history. So what is the difference between sites like these and online dating sites?

It’s apparent, from the new dating sites that are springing up in cyberspace, that they are moving towards social media designs to help users find their feet more quickly.

So it’s only natural that people who already use social media would begin to use that platform to start dating.

facebook makeovers off the wall

Instead of family pets or two year old sons and daughters filling walls and pages, facebook users are beginning to post pouting profile pictures instead.

And, as well as old school friends and professional colleagues, their walls are being plastered with hopefuls who they’ve never met responding to teasing profiles, encouraging a response typically reserved for online dating sites.

extended networks of friends easily accessible

There are facilities that allow you to view, not only your friends, but your friends’ friends too.

A leapfrog over your own best mate to one of their buddies, deemed somewhat unacceptable offline without an introduction, is not only acceptable but almost expected. These sites are ways to meet friends, but you have to do the searching for someone who really interests you.

Hashtags are one way of searching, but they are in no way as filtered as the specific algorithms and scientific processes that dating sites use to pair couples based on the information they enter about themselves and what their ‘searchees’, or desired perfect partner, has entered about themselves.

Social Media has its place online and, as it continues to grow, will only continue to evolve. But into dating sites?

There may be similarities between free dating services and social media but they’ll never be able to produce the same results as the personal touch that a paid dating site membership can deliver.

Check out our choice of the top dating services based on our algorithms and see if you can tell the difference at a real dating site.

Newbie dating, high end stylee

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Picking up from the last article, ‘Who’d be a relationship expert?‘, we look at just what that job entails for those who can afford to date high end, but don’t know how to…

Once you’ve spoken to your counsellor – and it is only after this point that your membership may be accepted, these high end dating sites retain the rite not to have you as a member – and you reach the common agreement that you are inept at dating, the counsellor will go away and work out a personal program for you. This is the high end we’re talking about, I mean 4-figure membership fees per month!

Usually, by the time the relationship expert comes back to you, based on the information you’ve submitted/they’ve gleaned, they will have searched through their database to find you a date. If you’re paying top whack for this online dating service, you are normally guaranteed one or two dates a month.

From there, you may not get sent straight on a date, oh no. It is becoming more of the trend that you have an ‘introduction’ before you actually hit the town with your new dating site beau. Here, you mutually agree whether you feel comfortable enough with your opposite number to go out with them on that all important first date.

The counsellor will then arrange everything, providing that the introduction has gone swimmingly. The services do differ from site to site but one would expect the date, time, place and transport to and from to be all included, even the menu may have been approved by your counsellor.

You will then take all the tips your relationship expert will have given you in the subsequent one to ones – and this is everything from the art of grooming to conversational tips and body language posture and attentiveness – and hope that you’ve learnt enough in that short space of time time to woo your loaded prince or princess.

Yep – it is like a fairy tale – just waiting for the wicked aunt to arrive on her broomstick, but your fairy god-mother’s already seen her off by flashing the greenbacks at her that you’ve shelled out for this exclusive dating service.

Now, bearing in mind the type of clientele that will have been in work for long enough to have built up enough spare or lived with mom so have had nothing better to spend their cash on, you can see, even with all that forethought and planning, that relationship expert job, although it may sound a breeze, is certainly not one for the meek and mild.

But, if you’ve got the dime but not the time, why not pay someone else to do all the chatting up and arranging for you?  For those not in that bracket, we have a fair few dating sites that don’t command a month’s wages, just to guarantee that one date.

No luck dating online? Is your name the reason?

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If you’re reading the success stories on your dating sites and wonder why that’s not you in the picture, check under the photo to see what the lucky couple’s names are.

The chances are – and these are very real results based on one of Europe’s top dating sites – that if your moniker’s Dennis or Kevin, Chantal or Celina, your e-mails are being overlooked in favour of the Marks, Alexanders and Charlottes of this world.

Even Biblical names were preferable to the unfanciable ones, which, according to the study, include Jacqueline and Justin also.

The study, conducted by researchers from Berlin’s Humboldt University, examined 200,000 dating site profiles on eDarling.de, created for its German audience.

On the continent, and this is typical of the majority of Europe, it’s all well and good having a perfect profile picture but the words weigh heavier than any image you care to post. Within those words, the name is very seriously considered as part of your dating site profile.

The evidence thrown up by the study is actually quite incontrovertible. If your name is Alexander, you have twice as much chance of your e-mail being opened than if your parents had had you Christened as Kevin. Absolutely true – 102% more correspondences were opened from Alexanders than Kevins – in a study of so many dating site members, that is hard to refute.

And there’s more, even more compelling conclusions drawn by the lead author of the study, Jacob Gebauer (bet he’s really a Kev or a Den). He has gone as far to say, in an interview with the Daily Mail, that singles on dating sites would prefer to remain just that single, than start up an online relationship with a Kevin or a Chantal. His words, not ours! I’m sort of feeling a bit guilty writing this as, seventeen years ago, I christened my daughter Chantelle – babe, I’m sorry!

This, however, is not the first time the Germans have singled out Kevins as having their name as a hindrance. 2,000 teachers in 2009, from the same country, adjudged anyone named Kevin as being unlikely to achieve academic success. One of those involved in the assessment even stated of the name that it “…is not a name, it’s a diagnosis.”

No wonder Roland Rat made sure he was the star of the show and not his gerbil sidekick who, for the purpose of this article, shall remain nameless.

Would you date a Kevin? See how many you can find as you go online dating.

Stay in control of your online relationships

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Whatever dating site platform you choose and however you opt to use its facilities, always remember this one thing: you’re in charge of the relationship!

Most dating sites will ask for a certain amount of information from you when you sign up. If they are asking you for details about yourself you’d rather keep private, then don’t go with them – there are thousands more on the Internet from which you can choose, the best five, according to our specific algorithms, you can find on our home page, dating.org.uk.

There are, in essence, two types of dating site: those that let you search for your perfect match online and those that matchmake based on the data you input on their sign-up form, which is generally longer and more in depth and personal, for obvious reasons.

A lot of the top dating sites, usually those that require a paid membership to utilise their best features, recognise a new single’s rite to a certain amount of privacy; they will give you the choice of what information you want to share and that which you don’t.

As dating numbers continue to rise, the owners of long-established sites recognise that there is more and more competition every day. Many of the newer sites springing up combine the best features of social media with the basic software that runs the traditional dating site.

Not that the multi-domain, million-plus membership sites see the newer ones as competition – there are the odd one or two, such as Badoo that do take the world by storm but they are the exception that proves the rule, the rule being that it takes massive, concerted effort and time to build a reputation and customer base to put you in the premier league – but what keeps those at the top ahead of the game is moving with the competition and filtering their innovations into their own sites.

Again, there are exceptions. Some sites know what they’re out to achieve, have a golden rule an stick to it, no matter what. It is these businesses that are genuinely surprised by the newcomers but, with the added finance of being well established, are expert in launching advertising campaigns to retain and even grow the membership that they have set out to capture.

The upshot of knowing what each and every dating site you check out does is paramount to your online dating success. As reported in our article earlier today, every successful dating site is only judged by its membership as successful by what that actual member is looking for by joining it.

If it’s long term relationships you’re looking for, let that be your guide. Only respond to members who are looking for the same.

Should you just be looking for a fling or want to get to know people in a new town and have no consideration for marriage or anything like as committal, use a dating site that perhaps doesn’t profess to rate marriage as its primary function. Use that type of site for what you’re looking for and don’t be persuaded otherwise.

Social media and dating sites, or a combination of both, have become a very real part of singles every day lives. Just make sure that you’re fitting them into your life when you need to, not let them be running your life for you.

The golden rule – when it comes to finding your perfect partner, you do the choosing, no one else!

How do you define ‘success’ on your dating site?

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A two week study into the way ‘success’ stories used their dating sites has revealed that, of the biggest names in the online dating industry, its users define achievement in very different ways.

The iSchool, Drexford, investigated 20% of each of OkCupid, eHarmony and Match.com’s claims to fame couples over a fortnight in an attempt to get to the bottom of a very real dating site mystery: what do users hope to achieve when they sign up to an online dating site and how do they choose the dating site based on their requirements.

In essence, their are three categories of success to choose from, each ranging from the short-term of purely meeting a single on the dating site of their choice and taking the relationship off screen to begin a successful courtship.

The second rating was the much more committed step of having someone propose to you, based on a relationship that has begun online.

And the third and most exclusive assessment of the success story was the big one – the act of two people who have met through one of the dating sites actually tying the knot and joining each other in wedlock.

meet the judges

The trio who took on the responsibility of ploughing through the information were Rachel Magee and Christopher Mascaro of Drexel’s iSchool, part of the curriculum at the College of Information Science and Technology there, overseen by Dr. Sean P. Goggins.

how do we choose our dating site?

Taking a random one in five of the success stories from each of the dating sites from a fortnight in Spring 2011, the team made some interesting insights at what was classed as a successful experience.

Using ‘marriage’ as the yardstick, the report revealed the 84% of eHarmony users success stories were about wedlock, just less than half of match.com’s tales referred to tying the knight and only 23 of OkCupid’s members considered marriage the key to a successful experience.

What this shows, in layman’s terms, is that the majority of eHarmony’s members use the site for the purpose of finding a life-long partner and that really is the purpose of them joining the site. Match.com’s has a mixed membership, where there is a combination of long-term relationship seekers as well as those who use the dating site for playing the field.

And OkCupid’s membership do not consider marriage as the be all and end all of a successful dating site and judge it by other methods.

In summary, people will join a dating site based on its stories of success that suit the preferences of what they’re looking for. If you want casual, there are sites for it, marriage has its role to play and if people are intent on that, they will determine which dating site offers the best opportunity and there are those in the middle who may be looking for a life-long partner if the Mr or Mrs Right happens to avail themselves.

Whatever your need, try our range of the top five sites we have hand picked for the best on the ‘net for dating.

Help! Which dating site?

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When you’re new to the world of online dating, it can seem a daunting place. So many faces to see on so many differing types of dating site that you pass by some of the best ones, just because one member is showing his ass on a photo and you want nothing to do with sites like that, thank you very much!

Here are a few helpful guidelines that, whether you’re new to online dating or are a seasoned pro, are worth taking a look at, if only to refresh your memory if your existing one has gone a bit lame, or you’ve filtered out the types of sites you’re not interested in and are looking for more of those that you are.

If you’ve never played about with dating sites before and are not really sure what to expect, you’ll maybe want to try out all of the different sorts of free dating sites first, to assess the different facilities that you can expect from these types of social interaction sites.  Like everything, you get what you pay for – free is okay, but tends to be full of less serious daters; if you’re looking for long-term relationships and security, you’re best choosing the paid option, from the off.

But don’t run before you can walk – certain types of dating sites tend to stick with what they know, either because their methods are tried and tested or you are playing on a free dating site that’s been created from a simple template and has just the basic features to help you find your love online.

What you will find, as you trudge from page to page, is that many sites offer a free level of membership, which offers just enough interaction with the other dating site profiles or members to get you interested. Then, if you want to take the relationship further, it will cost you to ‘see’ whoever it is you’re looking to date offline.

Some dating sites will actually let you search for members, as well as letting their community search for you. You may or may not fall into a category as an ‘exact’ or ‘closest match‘ against searches aligned to the terms you enter in your profile.

Matchmaking sites tend to ask a little bit more about you and they run predetermined algorithms that hope to give you a computerised personality which will, hopefully, match with a like-minded single in your target group.

And not that there’s much of a difference these days but there are dating sites that are more akin to a social network than the serious dating alchemy used by the matchmaking sites.

If you’re new, it’s worth having a dabble at a few of the free ones. If you enter ‘dating site for’ into your google search box and you have the ‘suggested’ box ticked, there will be a ‘dating site for…’ every letter of the alphabet, I’ll wager. Whether you’re new to online dating or your existing site’s no longer doing it for you, shake it up a bit. Write down your interests and just go for it.

There has to be a dating site for everything, as there are even dating sites for writers…
…so I’ve heard, of course.

Risk assessment and first date nerves

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Online dating is great fun, despite what some ‘experts‘ in the field may tell you. From the safety of your own bedroom, you can e-mail, IM, even video conference as many people as you like as often as you want.

But what happens if you really like someone and want to take the relationship offline? Could you rattle for England on the web-cam, but feel tense about dating in the real world and then struggle to muster the conviction to go through with it?

Believe it or not, there are thousands of people who use dating sites simply to connect with other singles, have a bit of fun in the week when stuck at home after work, then take that experience out to their local bars and clubs at the weekend. That’s fine, if you want online penpals instead of risking meeting your fellow dating site members for a bit of a frolic on terra firma.

However, there are millions that do use their membership to start dating. It can take a while to build up the courage to ask that special someone out initially. But, after the first, tentative contact has been made, maybe even following up with an intimate chat or two on a one-to-one basis, both parties eventually feel safe enough to take their relationship just that little bit further and arrange that first date offline.

Assess the risks

More and more dating sites are vetting their members before allowing them to sign up to their sites, especially at the high-class end of the market. Some even have relationship experts who call an applicant and speak to them on a one-to-one basis before confirming acceptance and that the site can actually deliver what that hopeful single is looking for.

With reputation and conversion rates so important in online dating marketing, for those top of the range dating sites that demand high monthly fees in return for that extra special personal service, they will want to lead their advertising with fantastic success rates to entice other high-earners to join.

If you can afford that service, great. However, many of us can’t and we’re not only left with the job of assessing the risk but, unlike the sites that have personal relationship coaches to help plan your date for you, you have to do pretty much all of the groundwork yourself, particularly if you want the date closer to your home, with the added safety net of local knowledge – always advisable for women on their first few dates!

In the next article, we look at the aspects that can make your first date a roaring success, in an attempt to secure you that second liaison, and beyond.

In basic terms: people are people

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No, I’m not whipping you back to a 1984 computer studies class, learning Beginners All-purpose Symbollic Instruction Code or even your 45 RPM turntable with the Depeche Mode single whizzing around on it when you got back from school. Thankfully, I was thirteen then and the scars have healed; well, almost.

Rather, I’m asking you your opinion of matchmaking sites and the algorithms they use to pair you with a shortlist of prospective partners. Are they any good? Do they work, other than to discount the physical aspects you enter in your likes and dislkes, such as height, age, weight, nationality and location?

Well, one person who believes not is a Dr Dan Ariely who has proffered that they are a waste of time. He himself being a professor in behavioural economics, which, according to Wikipedia (no, I’d never heard of it, either) is: “primarily concerned with the bounds of rationality of economic agents.”

Still none the wiser? Me neither.

Having given several interviews on the subject matter, here is a summary of his belief that the dating site algorithms don’t work; you can decide whether any of it makes sense or you get the feeling that he was once a dating site regular, but has been let down just once too often…

Are algorithms ineffectual remedies?

In one interview, given to PC World concerning dating site algorithms (?), Dr Dan, having admitted that he had not actually been privy to the actual algorithm configurations due to their confidential nature, suggests that, although his argument is ‘unsupported’, they are nothing but ‘placebos’.

Online dating like a round trip for a coffee?

During another interview for Big Think, Prof Ariely surmises that the results derived from time spent online dating are not worth the effort that the member puts in.

Allegedly, the professor has been involved in surveys which monitor online dating activity. The results of which suggest that, from the hours of searching for, initiation of and responding to contacts – which absolutely ‘no one enjoys’, according to him – just to get to meet up with someone for a coffee is simply not worth the effort.

The timescale he apportions to reaching this metaphoric cup of coffee is six hours on any given dating site and refers to that ‘trade off’ as ‘unsatisfactory’.

Can I be honest? I can think of few places where I could sit about in my underwear, unkempt and unshaven, other than behind my laptop and, in six hours, pull off a date. If I could do that three nights a week, that would be my weekend sorted, week in, week out.

If Dr Dan has a better method for attracting the opposite sex, he ought to stop giving interviews and start selling it online – he’d be a millionaire overnight.

Is it time to take ‘em down?

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In the mini-series for newbies this week, we have taken you from filling out your profile to finding potential partners to almost giving you away at the altar in three simple articles.

If only, eh? There will come a time, though, when you have met your perfect partner and it’s time to say “bye bye!” to online dating. But how do you decide when that time is right and whose decision it is?

If you’ve met your partner on one of the thousands of global dating sites – by no means the ‘in-the-closet’ hobby as once deemed, rather, the en vogue way to meet partners, these days – you will know a fair amount about their dating past, perhaps even been privvy to and shared some of the reverie and dating site gossip attached to Internet forums and discussion groups of this ilk.

Make no mistake: you’ve undertaken to overlook what has gone in the past by starting dating regularly offline, but are you concerned that they’re still dipping back into the dating site to check their messages?

And if you’ve supposedly taken yours down but know full well that your new partner hasn’t (because yours is actually still live and you’re checking up on them), how do you approach your partner and suggest that it’s time to leave the chat-rooms to the singles in the dating community so that you can concentrate on your blossoming relationship?

Don’t beat about the bush

It may be a little early to talk about long-term commitment, but bringing the subject of the live dating site profile out into the open will certainly give you some idea of where your relationship is headed in the short term.

If your satisfied with the outcome and, perhaps having been around the block yourself before, are wary of jumping in both feet first, the simple act of mutually cancelling your dating sites accounts may be enough for you.

However, if you’re looking for more of a commitment, perhaps you are scared of being hurt and are not satisfied with your partner’s reaction to the suggestion and utterly refuses to take down their profile, perhaps you should think twice, too.

If you are positive that 100% commitment is what you’re looking for and the partner you’ve chosen to date offline won’t give it to you, then fight fire with fire, leave your dating site profile live and you may strike it lucky with a like-minded single who shares your passion for monogamy from the off.

At the end of the day, the decision to cancel or stick with your dating sites is your decision, and yours alone. Only take them down for the right person and never feel pressured into going further than you want to, unless you’re completely comfortable with the fact that you’re ready to drop everything for your new partner.

Happy hunting, everyone – remember, stay safe, have fun – there is a Mr or Mrs Right for everyone in the world of online dating!

Onwards and upwards

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So you’ve hammered that stake in the ground, learnt the lessons from 2011, have got the scars to prove it and promised faithfully that you’re not going to make the same mistakes with your love life in 2012 that you did last year.

Great – good start. But how do you make good on those promises?

This year, be bold. There’s a saying: it’s a small world. And that’s not just about bumping into people from the same home town as you when you vacation 4,000 miles away. It’s happening all around you, every day.

The way you handle people, the way they assess you – you may not realise it, but other people judge you on that basis, even if it is not them you’re directly involving yourself with at that given moment. Be it on your dating site, at the gym or in the office, you may be carrying on in a manner that’s putting off your perfect partner but you don’t recognise them, just yet. Everything’s relative – you’d better believe it.

Of course, all this may not be your fault, directly. If the environment in which you find yourself is causing you to act in a certain way, putting up barriers, reacting coldly or rashly if you don’t truly grasp what’s being asked of you, it will cause you to be constantly on the defensive.

With the odd exception, everyone we interact with is human. You may find that you have an impression of another person perhaps gleaned from something you’ve heard or because someone with whom you work holds a certain opinion. Never judge people until you have taken the time to interact with them personally. The strangest friendships have grown from the seeds of hostility; we all need relationships, be they in the real world or in the world of online dating.

Can you imagine logging in to your dating site and finding that you’ve been totally ignored – that no one has responded to your e-mails or invitations to chat?  Of course not.

However, unless you are able to communicate your true self, your heartfelt feelings, you will end up turning people away who you know are not what you’re looking for but, in their absence, the people who you are looking for may not be finding you because you’re giving the wrong signals or are not taking the time to develop any of the relationships any further than the intial communication.

Online dating can be like finding a needle in a haystack but, at the risk of clichéing myself out, mighty oaks from little acorns grow. Relationships are very much the same.

This year, take the time out to communicate, genuinely, with someone who you normally wouldn’t, even if it’s just to pass on the benefit of your experience. It may help them out of a jam and they, in turn, may return the favour, leading to pathways you would never have discovered had you not taken the time out beforehand.

Dating sites and relationships are like so many things in life – you get out of them what you put in; put nothing in and, well, need I say any more?

2012 – building bridges to a new start.

Patience is a virtue – and a prerequisite

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Yesterday we started a mini-series for those new to online dating, beginning with the article ‘We all have to start somewhere‘.

Hopefully, now that you’ve got a few ideas about what to put it in your dating site profile, you’re going to start seeing some responses.

But that won’t happen straight away – don’t expect to be inundated with a flood of offers the first time you log back on to your dating site.

It may be your first attempt at online dating, but other members will have been around the block a few times.

Trust is the basis of any relationship

Just because you’re looking online for love instead of in the clubs and bars or down the gym doesn’t mean that the usual rules of engagement don’t apply – trust is imperative. In many cases, you only have a photo to go on and no absolute guarantee that there is a real person behind the image.

As things stand, there are no laws in place that state dating sites must place warnings on their home page about the threat of scammers but that threat – like the scammers themselves – are very real.

As such, you’ll discover a world where people take things one step at a time – it’s not like you have to get a phone number before last orders or kicking out time.

Don’t fret if you have to wait a few days, even a week or so, before you get a bite. You may find that you get better responses off different types of dating sites, especially if you are looking for a relationship of a more adult nature, from the off.

Don’t send out desperation e-mails or private messages

What you must not be tempted to do is write one message, send that same correspondence to a list of potential partners and hope that it works with everyone, in the hope that someone responds to you.

Other members, just as you have done, have taken time to craft a profile that reflects them, expecting people to pick up on their preferences when they’er approached. You may get lucky with a few members with one ‘template’ message but most will ignore any correspondence that isn’t specific to them.

Remember, you want to find a person that’s relevant, with whom you can build a relationship, whether you’re thinking long term or fleeting; do not waste time answering or approaching anyone with whom you have no intention of developing the relationship offline.

Keep in touch with yourself

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In the part three of this mini-series for online dating newbies, we’d like to underline the importance of communication – not just with other members, but keeping your information fresh and relevant so that your dating profile reflects the real you at all times.

Life changes and, as is true with anyone who wants to get more from life, we all look to improve our circumstances.

Obviously, as you’re perusing dating sites, your love life is one aspect that you’ve identified as an area that ‘could do better’.

But if academically, socially or, perhaps more importantly for this exercise, your career can move through a few gears, let the world know about it.

Attract a better class of correspondent

There are millions of dating site members across the world – some sites on their own have in excess of seven-figure sign-ups. You need to make yourself stand out from this crowd and attract the partner you deserve.

Your cause will be aided no end by matchmaking sites who pair singles based upon their looks, personality and achievements. If you are promoted at work, let the whole dating site community in on your good news; the more positive you can be – in your outlook as well as your profile – the more chance you have of enticing a better class of correspondent.

You will attract ‘hopefuls’ and ‘spammers’

As you progress and get into the world of online dating (it is very addictive) and your status and the level of trust others place in you grows, you will get messages from members who, not to put too fine a point on it, are several leagues below you or just blitzing members with an e-mail template.

Always remember that they may be where you were when you first started your illustrious dating career. They may not have had the benefit of a ‘how-to’ guide like this to help them get that first step on the ladder. Please, feel free to direct them here, if it’s apparent they’re dating site newbies.

Remember to remain courteous at all times and do not just ignore their advances (unless, in the unlikely event that you have thousands to answer – I say unlikely as most dating sites will impose a limit if they see your inbox getting too full). Here, you can draft a pre-written template to respond to them, but make it sincere and polite. Something along the lines of: “It’s great that you’ve taken the time to get in touch, but, having browsed your profile, you’re not really what I have in mind for a partner, right now.”

Of course, the other time you don’t want to be contacted – by anyone – is if you think you’ve cracked it and found your perfect partner and it’s time to take your profile down.

This mini-series will conclude with an article to help you decide if it’s time to leave the world of online dating behind, or not.

We all have to start somewhere

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Online dating – wow! Where do you start with so much choice? Thousands of dating sites, millions of potential partners…
…if this is your first time checking out the myriad singles looking for love online, you may just need a few pointers to help you get started.

Here on dating.org.uk, we aim to bring you the best dating sites, the freshest news and the handiest of advice, for newbies and seasoned online daters, alike.

As we’ve just launched our site proper, here are a few pointers for those who are new to us and, more importantly, new to online dating.

Get the balance right in your profile

As you peruse the ocean of dating sites, a few will glisten on the surface and tempt you to sign up. There is no telling at this stage which ones they’ll be – different singles want different results from their online dating experience.

Believe me, there are dating sites for just about every love-story, every type of relationship and even any fetish you can think of without losing your sanity – there is a home on the Internet for it all.

Whichever sites attract you, whether they’re forum-based sites, comparison sites (yep – they’re not just for insurance) or matchmaking sites, i.e. taking your details and using scientific algorithms to match your personality with a similar match, they’ll have one thing in common: they’ll all promise you ‘Love at first site’.

Before you sign up to any one dating site, take a look at a few of the different types available, if for no other reason than to see what members are writing about themselves.

Yes, you will want to weigh up the calibre of other singles looking for love online, whom you may pencil in as potential partners (or bookmark) but more importantly to check out the way they are filling out their dating site profiles.

What you will soon learn about dating sites the world over, especially the free dating sites, is that they will position their ‘most viewed’ member profiles on their landing page – the first page that you see when you click through a link for the first time. All dating sites need success stories – those at the top of the industry have based entire marketing campaigns around their matchmaking prowess – therefore see the quickest way to get people together is highlight its members that are attracting the most interest.

A well written profile is as important as the photograph you choose (more on that, later). By ‘well written’, I don’t mean contrived. If it is too polished, it will not read right to other, more seasoned dating site members and may get passed over.

The single best advice is to answer all questions posed when filling in your dating profile – if you don’t answer them all, others may think you have something to hide – as honestly as possible without over-thinking your answer, always with the goal of finding your perfect partner online at the forefront of your mind.

Next up, Patience is a virtue – and a prerequisite (11/01/03).

Break up, not down

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There is a saying that has been banded around the business world for over a decade – “…don’t sweat the small stuff – and it’s all small stuff”.

The signature line of the late Richard Carlson has no less meaning in the world of online dating – especially when it comes to breaking up with someone who you’ve met through a dating site.

Whether you have decided to take your relationship offline or its peak has been an elevated form of communication via your laptop or mobile, splitting up with someone is never easy. Even when you have no sense of feeling left for your partner, human nature takes over and a sense of guilt can have you procrastinating, even re-considering, when you know deep down it’s time to call it a day.

Well, don’t. With every relationship, whether it remains in the domain of the dating site or you have taken it a stage or two further, you have to stay true to yourself above all. Honesty is the best policy – I know it’s a cliche, but as soon as you accept that fact, the rest becomes small stuff.

What is at the heart of the break-up?

There can be a multitude of reasons why you want to call time on a relationship, but those can be filtered back to one of the three C’s – change, commitment or compatibility.

At the heart of any of those sentiments is the need for honesty. You can beat about the bush all you like but your partner not only deserves but will also appreciate (eventually) you being straight up with them and citing the reasons why you feel the need to move on.

Change, for the better

There’s change, and there’s compromise. It’s important to enter any relationship with your eyes wide open and, if you make promises, stick to them.

Do your homework before you enter into any relationship – if your potential partner has expectations, or you do, be sure that they’re practical and achievable. Do not be surprised if the relationship fails if the parameters for change are unreasonable from the outset.

Commitment may take a little time

Do not expect commitment immediately, especially if you’re dating someone who has been around the block before.

Your partner will want to build up trust before giving themselves over to you completely; forsaking all others is one of the biggest sacrifices one person can give to another.

Compatibility matters

Dating site profiles are all well and good but, let’s face it, there’s a propensity, even an expectation, to exaggerate details about yourself so you must expect other members to be less than 100% truthful about theirs.

Read between the lines in their answers to your prompts and ask the questions that matter to you, not what you think is expected of you, to get the best results from online dating.

Breaking up is the end of the road and is difficult for both parties. Nothing in life is guaranteed, but the more groundwork you put in beforehand could possibly delay the inevitable indefinitely.

facebook in bad books as marriages go to the wall

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There is no denying the popularity of facebook; in the UK alone, 30,000,000 users log on at least once a month – that’s almost half of the entire population who are old enough to turn on a lap-top.

The problem, so divorce lawyers are finding, is that the social media facility is not only a way of meeting up with like-minded people but a way for ex-es to come sneaking out of the cupboard and make contact with married individuals who had (perhaps) been less than truthful about their dating past.

Of the 5,000 divorces that have been applied for citing ‘unreasonable behaviour’ as the prime cause, one third of embittered spouses have gone on to blame facebook for the instigation of that behaviour.

This represents an increase of 50%, according to Divorce-Online managing director Mark Keenan, over the previous two years.

One thing leads to another

Keenan goes on to comment on how easily facebook lends itself to the type of communication that can, genuinely, start out as a striking up of a relationship between ex-lovers.

However, as this innocent online flirtation turns to memories tinted with a rosie halcyon shade, the temptation is to have a stroll down memory lane ‘for old times’ sake’. It is the conversations leading up to this point that divorce lawyers are digging up and using in evidence in divorce applications.

Ex-es cross swords online

As well as facebook being used as a type of online dating facility for ex-es to communicate with each other to refresh old acquaintances, it seems that those parted couples who retain a bitterness from their separation from a past loved one are using the site to air their dirty washing in public.

Like everything else in the world of online dating, our cousins across the pond have started to label the different aspects of facebook, already. As well as there being a dating site purely dedicated to ‘facebook cheating’, the citizens over there are using facebook ‘bombs’ to spatter news of someone’s straying from the matrimonial path to all and sundry who care to delve into the detritus.

In a rather dramatic statement, one dating coach has stood up and said on record that facebook will be ‘the source of all future infidelity’.

Read into that statement what you will, especially with dating sites dedicated to married individuals looking for extra-curricular activity reporting record sign-ups already, so soon after Christmas.

If you do want to date an ex, do not do it on a site where your family, wife and children can all be caught in the crossfire when an unexpected bomb explodes, sending your marriage to the wall.

The dating equation answered?

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So, that’s what we’ve boiled down to? After years of evolving from the bubbling swamps millennia hence, we go back to science to seek the answers to the one emotion that can elate or hurt more than any other: love.

From its shady beginnings, online dating has thrust to the fore, casting off the cloak of its shady past to become the preferred method of initiating contact of millions of hopeful singles around the globe.

The last count showed that ten percent of all Americans have registered with one type of dating site or another, be they teenagers reaching out for love for the first time or baby boomers willing to give the wild ride one last whizz around the tracks.

CNBC airing documentary Valentine’s week

CNBC are to air a documentary, the first showing of which will be on the 9th of February next year, which tries to discover why so many singletons have found this type of platform an invaluable resource when looking to find love offline online.

Extracting their data from the biggest names on the Internet in online dating to the niche dating sites, which can cater for special forces and emergency service members to the extremities of what ‘decent’ folk would consider legal, the show looks to highlight why people are reaching to their lap-tops instead of lap-dancers for their thrills.

Online dating is now a $3bn industry, c/w its own digital millionaires

When I entered the term ‘online dating’ into google after cleaning my cache to ensure that we were still on page one here at dating.org.uk I was amazed, as I always am, to see how many results are returned for that search term.

Yesterday, Google returned 13,900,000 results – that’s staggering. Whether those results stem from actual dating sites or dating community members expressing their experiences online is difficult to break down; whatever the reason, that’s an astounding figure.

You can see why this is an attractive market for investment, which does not yet look to have peaked, although dating applications may erode some of the market share as more users go mobile with dating technology.  Whichever resource you use, there will be someone making a buck from your online quest for love – this documentary promises to highlight those who have made a success out of your search for the perfect partner online.

Next up – Love is…an algorithm

Love is…an algorithm

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With CNBC throwing caution to the wind during Valentine’s Week 2012 and looking behind the scenes of the extreme and multi-million dollar industry that is online dating, we continue with our preview of the documentary.

Miss part one? Here:- The dating equation answered?

love is…an algorithm

Behind the scenes of many of the larger concerns, teams of scientists and mathematicians look for the key to pairing couples using, not the language of love, but strings of equations, such as: if client a’s x aspect = 23, then client b’s y tolerance is correspondent, therefore z = cha-ching! – that sort of thing.

The program, aptly entitled: “LOVE AT FIRST BYTE: THE SECRET SCIENCE OF ONLINE DATING” will air for the first time at 9pm (ET) on the 9th Feb with repeats hourly for the remainder of the day on the hour.

During the recording, NBC News and Today Show Correspondent Amy Robach will interview the psychologists, mathematicians and IT experts who claim to be able to profile you to a pin-point by the information you have written in your dating profile and by the way you use their site. As well as investigating the details you have entered about yourself, the scientists believe there is key personality hidden in the snippets you don’t say and do that can also highlight aspects of your true persona.

Do we know our true selves?

This leads to another debate entirely:- do we, as individuals involved in a much larger online dating community, know what we’re really looking for each time we log on and try and connect with someone who we may think is right for us?

Many articles on our dating site suggest not and, if nothing else, personal psychometric profiling can give us an insight into ourselves, first up, in an attempt to then further understand who our ‘best match’ dating partners are and how we can compromise to bring our online liaison to long-term fruition.

CNBC, having had some of their staff join up to such matchmaking sites, have worked with the scientists in the making of the show to highlight reasons why some of the results were deadly accurate whilst others appear, at first site, to be way off the mark.

The documentary is a result of the rise and rise of online dating popularity, of that there is no doubt. It may blow the lid off the industry or pander to the mega-buck owners, we shall see when it is aired, but we hope the exposé does the investigation justice.

Whatever the case, if love is truly little more than an algorithm, I’m sitting here wishing I’d paid a little more attention in algebra than I did when I was at school all of those years ago…

Start 2012 with a bang

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There are times of the year when singles will go out of their way to change just that statistic – being a single – even if it is just for one night only.

Christmas is one, family or office parties are another – but the one event that no one wants to be alone for is the dawn of a New Year.

Whether it’s a psychological need or a physical requirement to have someone to see the old year out and welcome the new one in, singles across the world seek to end their loneliness, if only for one night.

Last minute shopping – for a festive date

As internet shoppers hit the online malls festooned with Christmas cheer before the festive break, it wasn’t only gift-wrapped presents for the relatives eager party-goers were in the market for.

Online dating sites reported a massive surge in activity as singles desperately looked for a date for the end of the year.

Long-term relationships not a consideration

The old adage ‘A dog is for life, not just for Christmas’ springs to mind in a truly converse sense; Heather Paul sums up the mood succinctly of what it means to singles to have someone they can call their own for this fleeting moment.

In a recent article in the NYDaily News, she states, simply, “I do not care if we click, because I will keep him around until Jan. 1 so I will have someone to ring in the new year with.”

Dating sites for just about anything

Heather has her new year date courtesy of ILoveYourAccent.com. It’s unique selling point is that it offers singles from either side of the pond the opportunity to interact and hook up together, providing they can meet, of course.

It’s amazing how far people will travel to meet up, if they feel there is a genuine opportunity for a relationship; with looking for a one-off date, as seems the case with the very recent activity dating sites are reporting, it may well be that singles are using the online dating facility to find someone local for the festive period.

The profile picture has it

According to one dating site, who have reported a 15% increase in new sign-ups to their free dating facility and 20% in their existing dating site community, the combination of beautiful eye and a killer smile is the best recipe for success.

More on that in the next article.

With the millions of online dating site users, there should be someone for everyone. But the clock is ticking and with only a few days to go until the year of the London Olympics rolls around, it’s time to get your skates on and get yourself a date for New Year’s Eve.

Don’t let the millions of dating sites grind you down

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For those of you new to the world of online dating, the plethora of dating sites spattered across the internet can be daunting. Once your profile is keyed in, and that can be a task in its own rite, there are so many other new facilities to get used to.

What you absolutely do not want, after spending possibly hours tweeking your profile so that it is the real you people can approach, is then having to wait for hours for your first bite.

One of the absolute key elements about making your online dating experience work for you is deciding what you want to get out of the experience.

Are you just testing the water?

Dating sites can be as fun or as serious as you want them to be. How you use them will be as much as an influence on the results you get back as the effort you’re putting in.

For example, you may only want to use the faclity as a contact website. If you’ve been in a long-term relationship or are recently divorced, the odds are you will not have dated for a length of time. Boy, how things have changed.

You may only want to use your service to pick up hints and tips that you can take into the realm of offline dating. This, of course, is fine, but you may exclude a sector of the dating site membership if you actually write that you’re only using their community to do a bit of flirting. Keep that bit to yourself to encourage the most overall response.

Check out the wild side of online dating

When you’re in a long term relationship, the blinkers are off; many couples experiment with sex as a way to bring their closeness together and find out about themselves in a way they never thought imaginable.

If you’ve missed out on letting your hair down there are many adult dating sites that can accomodate your every need – and some you never thought possible, or even legal.

It is important, however, to wait until you’ve built someone’s trust before mentionging this type of activity or alternatively join a site that expressly allows you to divulge that nature of information.

Your profile for the world to see

Now, this is gonna be hard to believe, but one or both halves of a married couple have been known to use dating sites.

Yep, it’s true – the sacred vow of marriage can be no barrier to accessing singles looking for a fling, or even other married folk looking for a little extra-curricular dating activity.

If you do not want your significant other to find out about your website activity, choose a dating site that keeps your information private and does not display your personal information for the world to see. This may mean you have to join a paid site as free dating sites use any means possible to increase their revenue, which may mean selling your information.

The downside to joining a paid dating site facility, especially if you have a joint banking account, is that your monthly subscription will show on the statement – be sure to create an account elsewhere to ensure you don’t get caught out this way.

In order to get the best results from your dating site, be true to your own personality from the outset. If you are looking for something a little out of the ordinary, but are wary of adult dating sites, build up trust with other members before you either get a reputation on the site or the site admin choose to suspend your membership if enough of the dating community complain.

Intimate inmates 1

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Many posts on this dating website have been written specifically to promote members’ awareness of the fact that, behind many profiles, lies the face of a criminal just waiting to coax you out of your hard-earned cash.

To some, this is no surprise; yet others are genuinely shocked when they fall for the sob stories without realising that Jeanette from Dagenham is really a college graduate from Nigeria working from his laptop in a cafe well on his way to earning $60k a year, towards which your ‘gift’ is just a token contribution.

It is quite possible, too, that your ‘Jeanette’ on one dating site is ‘Rachel’ on another, or at least the real person behind the front is one and the same. Your tokens of affection, which you assume are heading to different parts of the UK, will never be cashed in a European bank. If you could trace the wire that sent the money transfer, you’d see your money sitting in a bank in Africa.

This is deceitful, but nonetheless commonplace; some people carry on for years, transferring huge amounts of money before they realise that they’ve been duped by a criminal mastermind.

There are, however, very different kinds of criminals on dating sites, becoming all the more popular. If there is such a thing, these criminals are legitimate, posting their loosely disguised dating profiles on ‘pen-pal’ sites from their cells across the US. There is a substantial market for women who genuinely want to date men on the inside, likewise, men who become enthralled with female prisoners.

Not that inmates have a PC waiting for them when they check in to whichever penitentiary it is they are to serve their time. The onus is on their circle of friends from ‘the outside’ to get them set up on dating sites – this can incur a charge, depending upon the site and the type of service they purport to offer.

One of the first reactions, other than ‘what do the couple gain physically from the relationship’ is ‘why do prisoner governors allow this?’

Many are, as mentioned, fronted as a pure contact site, however the details of the profile are straight from any ‘dating site in a box’ you can buy or affiliate from the internet. Otherwise, being able to form a remote relationship beyond the confines of the prison establishment promotes a sense of self that can be so difficult to find once one gets sentenced to spend time behind bars.

Prisoners with a sense of purpose and something to look forward to once they have served their time are much more likely to stay away from activities that would jeopardise parole than those with nothing to lose by flouting the laws whilst incarcerated.

Intimate inmates 2

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It takes a special type of person to have both the patience and foresight to commit to someone who may never be free from their cell. Yet there are successful relationships on dating sites for prison inmates, even marriages are not that uncommon.

However, as the younger generation grow up with social media very much a part of their everyday lives, talking to people on line, even falling in love or becoming infatuated, is absolutely the norm. Furthermore, latest figures show that 10% of the 2bn global internet population have registered their information on a dating site. For a significant sector of those 200,000,000 people, connecting online is enough.

There are many sites dedicated to promoting the virtues of inmates and, if it was not for the prison number and the fact that the address is a correction facility or state jail, you would be forgiven for thinking that you were perusing any one of the thousands of mainstream dating sites that populate the internet, today.

Some of the URLs can be misleading and lead you to a set of blog-search results by Google for ‘similar’ type dating facilities but the genuine prison dating archives provide an invaluable outlet for inmates across the globe, not just the US, where their rise in popularity is rife.

Some of the larger dating sites showcasing incarcerated felons did genuinely start out as pen-pal mediums ; however, since the first websites of this type launched in 1996, the natural progression and acceptance of meeting singles online has sat well with the general public more easily in recent years. Of the top ten key players in this market, some boast as many as 10,000 potential partners with their profiles filled in awaiting your correspondence.

The amount of information displayed for its members can differ for each dating site. The aim is to present the inmate in the best possible light and to that end, the accent certainly is on the positive with the profile information listed.

If you are interested in connecting with a prisoner, there is sufficient detail to at least get you on the way to making an informed decision. It is rare that the crime for which they are serving time is listed but you will find a personal introduction penned by the inmate beneath a suitably-chosen profile picture. If the prisoner has took part in self-learning or vocational activities and courses as a first step on the road to the enlightened them, you can expect to find that information there, too, alongside the usual data, such as height, weight, date of birth, etc.

What may be key, depending on whether you are looking for a purely online relationship or hoping to make it physical by visiting as well as writing or actual dating once their time is served is the release date. If you only ever want a genuine pen-pal service, it may be worth considering prisoners with lengthy sentences. On the other hand, should you wish to make more of your new-found friend and take the liaison offline, you may want to concentrate your search to someone who is soon to be released.

There are many, many people currently serving time who are truly repentant and are making great strides to put the past behind them and start afresh. If you want to be a part of their new life, even if it’s as a time-passing written correspondent, there are many inmates just awaiting your post.

Are you looking for a date or a penpal?

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Having notched up my 100th post on dating.org.uk this week, I can safely say I’m beginning to get an insight into how the online dating industry works. There are many dating sites – thousands, in fact – ranging from free dating services to paid membership sites; and when I say ‘paid’, I’m talking serious wedge, as in some of the top city high-fliers pay more per month for their dating site membership than I take home as a writer.

One of the most curious aspects I have found is that many people, especially on UK dating sites where we live in a tiny little country compared with the Australias, Africas and US States of this world, are satisfied with leaving their dating in an online status. In larger countries, you could understand why people who have genuine feelings for each other can never actually meet in person.

Take Africa, for example. Yes, it is the home of 419 fraud but there is a thriving online dating community there, too. Just imagine if you were living in Senegal, as one of the capital, Dakar’s, 2M+ population. You’re at home one night, the view out into the Atlantic’s not inspiring enough for you so you pop the laptop open and get onto Afrikadating.com or Africadarlings.com. Instant success, you happen to start up a relationship up with an attractive single in Khartoum.

A quick look at the map and you think – okay, same latitude, run along the border of Mauritania for a bit, skip through Mali, Niger and Chad and, Bob’s your uncle, you’re in the Sudan. Then you look at the scale of the map and realise that, to ever meet up with this potential partner pining for this tropical love affair, you’re gonna have to travel 3,000 miles.

Apathetic UK daters won’t put in the miles

Most Brits don’t even go that far for a holiday, so that far for one date? It would have to be an extra special person to get you shelling out for that, let alone sacrificing at least three days of your life for. And, let’s face it – with the current investigations into fraudsters from North Africa scamming millions from US and Europe dating site communities, you could understand a level of apprehension in taking on such a project.

But, come on. In the UK, even if you live at South-West/North-East extremities, you could take a plane at Newquay, have a night out in London while the plane stops at Gatwick, nip up to Aberdeen the following morning, spend the day with your date, fly back down to the capital, have a day’s shopping and be back in Cornwall in time for tea.

So why are UK daters content, even when paying for their membership, to utilise dating sites like they would a penpal’s site when you can literally be anywhere and back in little more than a day? Has the UK lost its explorer gene that helped sovereignty create the biggest empire the world has ever known? If anyone has the answer to this dating site conundrum, I’d love to hear from you.

Can you see the real me?

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Quadrophenia – the coolest film ever made in the UK, opens with Jimmy riding through the London streets at night on his Lambretta LI150 to a backdrop of Roger Daltery’s coarse vocals warbling the refrain “Can you see the real me, can yer, CAN YER?” then Pete, John and Keith notch up the volume to what is the greatest soundtrack in the all-time who’s who of soundtracks.

For those who have not seen the cult classic it’s about a young mod torn between how he thinks he ought to appear in the eyes of his family, the ‘sawdust caesars’ who are his peers (males and females), his colleagues and bosses at work and the establishment, hence the four faces. Ultimately, our hero crashes and burns, after his constant search for his true self leaves him alone and desperate, especially when he realises that, in order to progress and be socially accepted, there has to be compromise.

Dating site members could learn a lot from James Michael Cooper’s struggles as he flits from one day to the next, never knowing which of the four faces he should be wearing, and very often getting it wrong when he finally chooses which quarter of his quadrophenic personality is most appropriate.

The key is, just be true to yourself. You are, after all, looking for someone who is going to like you for who you are, and not someone you are trying to be. If someone falls for one of your faces that you have trouble wearing, you are only making a lifetime of hardship for yourself, should you take that you into a long-term relationship.

Looks are vital – show a profile photo of a recent you, in a natural pose, not some postulating, sun-tanned image taken on Brighton beach two years ago (watch out for falling GS150 Vespas, if you do!).

Things that make you tick are also totally relevant. To take it to the extreme, not that I understand the motives of either I’ll use in my example, but if you absolutely love foxhunting, it’s in your blood, say so on your dating site profile. Can you imagine if your first date was with an anti-vivisectionist who’d likewise been scant about her interests and she turned up just as you were being blooded?

Jimmy, in Quadrophenia, has a very flawed personality. No, four personas, none of whom were quite right. “Why should I care if I have to cut my hair? Got to move with the fashion, or be outcast.”

Everyone who’s seen the film will know the scene that line comes from – it highlights so many issues. But you ask any mod, or rocker, for that matter – Do you love Jimmy? His humanity reaches out to everyone who has gone through that rebellious, growing stage. I guarantee, only the prudes will say no.

Flaws show your personality – get them out in the open on your dating site profile. Well, if you’re a homicidal maniac, best leave that out and go seek help professionally before looking to date online.

So, when you can sing: “I can see, that this is me, I am the one!” then you know your dating site profile is good to go.

All lines quote from Quadrophenia, 1973, Track Records; © Pete Townsend/The Who

iDate Miami update

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In little over a month, on January 23rd, the week-long iDate Super Conference gets under way in Miami.  With a weekend choc-ful of presentations, meetings and promotional events for online dating  site owners and their affiliates from across the globe, this, the first of three conventions this year, promises to be some event.

If you’re considering geting involved in the business Mark Brooks’ three-hour booking to provide an “Introduction to the Online Dating Business” couldn’t be a better place to start.  As Chief Executive Officer to Courtland Brooks and publisher of Online Personals Watch, you’d be right in thinking he knows one or two things about this huge niche.

What the session looks to deliver is, not only how to get started but also, using his vast experience, he hopes to highlight some of the dangers and what it takes to run such a business and make it successful.  This will cover everything that the savvy entrepreneur should be looking out for, like identifying the latest industry trends, any shifts in the marketplace and also some of the best operating systems that provide the user with a smooth, trouble free experience but also lets the guys ‘under the hood’ decipher what the members are saying to direct your site in such a manner that keeps exisitng members and encourages more people to join.  Dating sites would, quite obviously, be nothing without the members.

The Miami Beach Convention Center will host the ninth annual Miami iDate Super Conference alondside the Social Networking Conference on the main weekend of the event, January 24th and 25th.  No doubt there will be some interaction between the two and a few special events are open to attendees of both conferences.

Especially as social networking is one of the jigsaw pieces that make up Mark Brooks’ online career, stretching almost back to the dawn of the internet as we know it today.  After starting out with other dating and contact sites in 1998, Mark has more recently focused his attentions on promoting online dating.

Since he took over in 2005 in this role, dating websites have binned their somewhat seedy reputation of yesteryear and now a recent report has shown that 10% of all internet users have at least toyed with filling in an online dating profile.  As it stands, that represents 200,000,000 people who have tried to find love on line, as it is extimated that there are now 2bn registered on the net – that’s a helluva responsibility.

Prior to his involvement with the online daing PR machine, Mark made his first post on OPW in June 2004 – the rest, they say, is history.  So, if you’re a start-up venture or experienced website owner who jusys to get the most from their membership, Miami looks a good bet at this time of the year.

The pre-registration date has been extended to 23rd December, for those of you interested in attending.