Category Archives: News

Dating site dementors officially vanquished

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The stigma that surrounds the world of online dating has officially been put to bed, according to recent reports coming out of the US, following both scientific research and the success of iDate Miami 2012.

No sooner has dating land shed its undesirable cloak, however, than matchmaking sites are finding themselves coming under attack from some corners of the scientific world on two counts.

At the recent iDate Miami conference – the first of three meetings by the giants of online dating scheduled for this year – there was a heated panel discussion surrounding the merits of calculations and algorithms that were used to select potential partners based on information provided by the individual single when he/she signs up.

The doubt has been cast upon the relevance of how this information is used to couple the dating site members, especially when the volumes of singles looking to fall in love online are so immense. According to Julie Spira in a recent article she wrote for the Huffington Post, everyone now knows a couple who got together via on online dating site or another.

Furthermore, she went on to add in the article that, whilst attending a recent Super Bowl bash, two of the three couples she became engaged with were together thanks to two of the more niche dating sites, namely Jdate and Fitness Singles.

The crux of the current debate, as far as one can make out, is that the professors are now viewing matchmaking sites, who present a range of probable complimentary suitors to any given single based on the information they enter on their hit-list requirement, as a supermarket sweep rather than a way to find ‘the one’, which is how it all began. To be fair, I don’t think anyone in their wildest dreams, when dating sites started to go mainstream, ever hoped for a global $2bn turnover, but that’s where we are with it, now.

Of course, there is objection from those who claim to have dreamt up the strings of logic to produce the matches, both from the CEO’s trying to deflect harm from their brand and the dating site scientists who have achieved prominence on the back of algorithmic love.

There’s an absolute ton of stuff on this topic, so join me for the rest of the week when we’ll be dissecting the frogging life out of all the mumbo jumbo and see what it means for you, the dater.

The party’s postponed for the men in little white coats

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See, now this is a headline that CEOs of static dating websites the world over will just not want to read. Following years of trying to shake of the stigma that has prevented many a single desperate for love from entering their credentials into an online dating facility, the moment that they finally achieve that goal, with 2012 officially seeing the death of dating site dementors, they are being told that static dating websites are dead and that the future of dating is on mobile devices, instead.

Don’t know about you, but at the drop of this news you can almost hear the post-stigmata party being prematurely ended with a solitary parp of a trumpet. And hear that one technician laughing gutsily alone, the news not yet filtered through to her, as the scientists, still in their white coats , turn silently as one before being ushered back below ground into a sterile environment to start recoding the dating site so that people can have the same experience on their Smartphone as they do on a static online dating site. The laughter finally stops.

These CEOs will claim a small victory, though. And so they should – it has taken years to cast off the cloak it adorned at the public’s behest. Now more than ever, with ten percent of US citizens hitting dating sites every month, the impact of the medium they have developed patiently in their underground laboratories has changed the way the world dates forever.

CNBC in the US recently hosted Love at first byte – an insider view into the unseen world of online dating. What they discovered was not, as one would expect, a world of fluffy pink pillows and love hearts adorning every wall. Contrarily, the image portrayed envisions a chaotic place, a world of psychologists’ couches, main-frame computers, blackboards with lengthy equations chalked onto the slate, forever being rubbed out and perfected. And IT guys with a hand on the socket, awaiting the ‘turn in off and on again’ request that’s a short moment away.  Stephen King, stretched on one of the couches, soaking it all in before he turns the scenaro into another million+ best-seller.

It is these armies of boffins and IT technicians that have brought the world of online dating to the fore, piggybacking on the rise of hyper-connectivity in a world where everyone has at least two social media accounts, accessible from Android, Blackberry and iOS platforms. And now that the men in white coats have finally cracked it, brought their paymasters that tag of ‘social acceptance’ to the niche, technology has outpaced them.

If you can download an app, and there are many that, utilising GPS, can even ping you whilst you’re out and about to let you know that someone else from your dating site is in the vicinity, carrying a hand-held device or not having to put aside time that eats into your night to find someone is a far more productive way for the single masses to date than the alternative.

The party’s over for the time being for the dating site scientists, but you can bet that they’ll be back with something soon that’ll change the game, again. With $2bn – and growing – up for grabs, there’s a lot at stake for the men in the little white coats.

Tongue-tied and twisted? Plan your date outside the box

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There are occasions when the effortless speech that flows freely from fingers on dating sites deserts even the most seasoned singles when it comes to dating in real life. A few changes in thought concepts and a bit of indirect practise could bring you to life on that first date when otherwise, for all the world, you look like you’re waiting for the ventriloquist’s hand to work its magic.

If you don’t have a lot of success dating it may not be down to all of the things you beat yourself up about after the event. Being sociable is a skill that only gets honed with practise. If you’ve met another single on your dating site and you know you ‘don’t get out much’, do something about it. Look to see what your friends are up to, get down to the café or bar just to get used to being in a social environment and participate.

People who spend a lot of time online dating and don’t have a great deal of success on their first date tend to read a lot about how to make dating a success (Et voilà – bon soir!). My guess is that, next to the laptop is a note book with about 200 bullet points that you believe you need to get through on your first date, if you’ve taken all of the online advice to heart.

Yes, the first date is about finding out about your potential partner but it is not an inquisition. Don’t forget, they want to find out about you, too. Don’t feel like you’re putting them under pressure – you’ll not only have them leaving for the exit, but that (hopefully) school ma’am inquisitor is not who you really are, is it? Get a general overview of what you want to find out, get the deal-breakers out of the way (date two is pointless, otherwise) and then just let the rest of it flow.

When the time does come around for you to impart a little of who you are, don’t be shy! Honesty is the best policy and if there’s stuff you like doing, let your partner know about it. But not heavy, personal information. That will have to wait until the relationship can support it and will have your partner making excuses if you lay it down too thickly on the first date. And that definitely includes exes!

Whilst you’ve been reading about other’s successes dating, you will no doubt have taken in several accounts of singles who have been remarkably proficient and go on first dates time and again, just because they love doing it. Whatever you do, do not start trying to measure up to those standards. Flirtatious people attract that lifestyle and it comes naturally to them. It comes back to what you want from the date, no one else.

Plan ahead, too. Choose an activity and location that’s a little off-beat. Off beat, not off the beaten track! Yes, make it quirky, that will be an ice breaker in itself. But stay close to where you’re familiar for the first few dates until you’re sure your partner’s trustworthy and, for safety’s sake, don’t invite them home for the same reasons until you’re absolutely sure of their integrity. Now, go get ‘em, tiger. And let your heart do the talking!

Where’s that chatterbox I met on the dating site?

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There are an awful lot of singles out here in dating land who can e-mail, private message and text as if they were trying to beat the monkey to write the complete works of Shakespeare. Their dating profile is extensive and they may only get around to replying to four messages a night because of how fluently conversations flow once they become ‘that person’ everyone knows them as on their dating site. Once stuck behind that keyboard, they could host a marathon of chat-shows that would put Wossy to shame.

But put that same person in front of a web-cam or in a real, live date situation, and it’s as if their brain’s hit the vocal cord mute button. This is often an involuntary reaction, perhaps brought on by the pressure they feel to impress, they’re taken out of their comfort zone so their confidence is undermined or are just too darned scared of saying the wrong thing.

This happens to a lot of people (writers, mainly!); away from the safe distance that sets them at ease and lets (un)natural conversation flood out when rattling away on their dating site on a date, they are desperate in this induced silence to find that spark that ignites once they’ve logged on and settled into their dating persona.

With every passing moment they feel the pressure building more – what is wrong with them? Why can’t they find the words that got them to this stage, the first date, in the first place? Soon, that is their only goal, to not come across as shy or ignorant – inside, they are cringing and praying that the date is going well, although focus has been lost and all hope of regaining some sort of control of the situation, unless the other party takes charge, has disappeared on this occasion.

Will they get a second chance? Their brain is screaming to sort a second date, time to gather themselves and ‘do better next time; but that dating site fluency has deserted them and they cannot even ask for the opportunity, that they doubt will come about anyway. Another chance blown, and they’ll be left to rue the consequences, quite vociferously through their finger-tips, when they write the world what a schmuck they were on ‘that date’ they’d been building up to for an age.

But will it be any better next time around? They sigh, think probably not, then log back on to their dating site and start the whole process over again.

Does that story ring any bells?  Don’t fear – help is at hand. In the next article, we’ll look at how planning, mental clarity and not assuming anything can help you overcome this very real experience that many, many singles experience on their first date.

US twice as likely to meet spouse online dating than in bar

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The chances are, if you’re a married person in the US, the bar or club is one of the last places you met your spouse. It’s true, at least according to a recent survey that was completed by CMB on behalf of Match.com. And that figure is dropping. In fact, you were half as likely to have met your partner at church as you were in one of the afore mentioned hostelries. And you were more than twice as likely to have met your long-term partner on a dating site.

The exact figures (for 2009/2010) for those categories, for those who like to see the statistics in black and white, are as follows:
• 8% of married couples independently surveyed stated that they’d met in the boozer
• 4% had met whilst they were at church – that definitely rules the UK being part of the survey, then, as I doubt 4% of the population, let alone married couples, regularly attend the place of worship of their faith
• 17% met whilst online dating

Okay, all studies can prove whatever you want them to; the criteria for this particular study of 7,000 US citizens was that they were 18+ and had been married in the last five years, but there may well have been other qualifying criteria that’s not detailed. You’ve probably had a go at taking part in online surveys yourself.

For example, most surveys have qualifying questions before you can take part, such as age, income, sex – you know the drill. How often have you filled in the qualifying criteria and the next screen has said something along the lines of: “Sorry, but we have all of the qualifying information from your sector that we need.”

That’s pure BS. What it should say is: “Sorry, but your ‘band’ is unlikely to deliver the answers the people paying us a lot of money to host this survey are looking for and if we don’t deliver, they won’t get the ‘evidence’ they need, so won’t use us again. You’re out of here!”

No doubt there is a ‘qualifying’ question, such as ‘have you ever used paid dating sites?’, for this type of survey.  If your answer was in the affirmative, you’re past the gatekeeper; if negatory, the bouncer is apt to decline your entry with a ‘not tonight, sonny’.

Anyway, for what it’s worth, the answers of the dating site survey strongly suggest that meeting your future spouse is still a lot more likely through someone in your family or a friend (27%) or at work (or for childhood sweethearts, school) 38%. That last statistic is quite huge, actually.

Based on that assumption, for every ten married people you know at work, (almost) four of them met their husband/wife in a similar work situation. Well, guys and gals, if you’re single and have a job (in the UK, for youngsters using online dating as a way to meet their first serious partner, the former is definitely more guaranteed than being in employment, sad as is the case), it seems well worth putting your glad rags on to go to the office if you’re looking for a long-term relationship.

It’s in his sniff

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Will a woman ever meet their dream man? In fact, does such a being exist and are you one of the lucky ladies out there to have met him, either on your dating site, at work or by introduction through a third party? And, more importantly, does the bubble burst when the dream-lover steps out of the cloud or is he the angel you always hoped you were destined for?

So many questions, but all worth asking. Especially as it has come to light that, even though the fairer sex trawl dating profile after dating profile on both paid and free dating sites alike, looking for the photo of their dream boat, that fella in your dreams represents the missing emotional link you yearn, yet are beginning to develop with an alpha male, rather than any physical attraction or need you may think you have. Although that’s not to say the physical craving isn’t intensified by this chemical courtship. Mmm, definitely one to ‘discuss:‘.

This is how the theory goes….

…you’re in the office at work, and there’s a guy who emits chemical signals, willy-nilly; you may not even be aware your feminine receptors are picking them up, but your brain is forming an attraction to him. This is something that not even the chemistry-type dating sites can put into their algorithms for you over the Internet.

It is then your psyche that is falling in love with this chappie, i.e. the angel who later appears in your dreams; he probably looks nothing like the guy at work’s profile, but the dream man is your brain’s interpretation of your true chemical match. The more your angel appeals to you romantically, the stronger the natural connection between your two personalities and sub-conscious physical make-up to suggest you’d be a successful couple.

The sad thing is, unless you can fine-tune your receptors or take note of any subtle emotional shift you feel when you’re in a man’s presence, you may never know who this perfect match for you is. If you’re having these types of dreams, please don’t go around the office tomorrow sniffing every man who comes near you – if your dream man sees you doing this, you may never get to grips with the physical aspect of dating.

To confuse the issue, it is perceived that the reaction of a man’s inherent chemicals with his choice of cologne may produce even stronger results than either he or his unwitting victim pick up on in a physical sense. Yet his psyche also gets stronger as it comes into the proximity and connects with the female chemicals that have the same affect on him, making the combined effect, to the naked eye at least, even more powerful.

Dating sites can offer a lot of ways for you to meet ‘the one’, but until you get up close and personal and let your bodies own receptors do their bit, the relationship could be missing something so corporeal, it will never fulfil the part of you that reacts to pure, base chemistry. It has been suggested that this could be the reason why there are so many affairs at work and that almost four out of ten US citizens married in the last five years met either at work or back in school.

If you’re looking for 100% satisfaction, close your eyes and let nature pick that man of your dreams for you. Psyche!

Why are all the good looking ones always fakers?

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In the last article we looked at dating sites’ unwillingness to take the law into their own hands and force their members to undergo identity verification, even though they know it’s the right thing. We also read how Kevin Connell from DateProtection.com is urging the public to force the issue and back his war cry. We are asking everyone who uses UK dating sites to take the matter in their own hands and get into the habit of doing so; here’s how, and the secret figures Kevin has revealed about the extent of scamming across dating land.

For the UK dating sites, we have the facility of asking our online partners to obtain an online passport through Trusted Faces / the Post Office®. A simplistic solution, whereby one creates an account with trusted faces, goes in person to the Post Office® to have their real face verified against the permanent photo they post on their Trusted Faces site and confirm the registration.  Job done.

Assuming that your dating site profile photograph looks something like your Trusted Faces photo, you can issue the interested party with a one-off ‘ticket’ to view the PO verified pic to end any argument. There is no worry about that interested party passing the ticket on to others as it expires once it has been used.

You may think that this is all a bit of a palaver and that there are not enough shady characters hiding beyond pictures of (always) beautiful people whose identity they have stolen from somewhere on the internet to bother. The following dating site secrets revealed by Kevin Connell may make you think otherwise:

1. Ten percent, statistically, of sex offenders use dating sites to source their victims; similarly, ten percent of all dating site profiles have been created by such a deviant.
2. Continuing with the ten percent theme, that’s the figure attributed to genuine, honest dating site profiles; nine out of ten people lie from everything from their physical make up to their criminal past.
3. Even as an option, rather than a compulsory measure, dating site owners are unwilling to insert a background check identification procedure, although there are many available. Membership numbers mean so much that they would rather jeopardise all of them than risk putting off a few by putting them through this extra, essential process.  We had one guy, John Syms, comment on our Online passport article stating that if these measures were implemented, he would use dating sites – I’m sure many more would feel the same and surpass the volumes choosing not to sign up because of the extra step!

There are millions of false dating profiles spattered across dating land, created by people who do not want their true identity revealed for a whole host of reasons, some legal, most not.

Laws that are in place are weak and are easily navigable by a determined criminal. Dating sites are fantastic places to meet people, to which hundreds of thousands of satisfied customers will testify. Just make sure when you meet your perfect partner online, they are indeed who they say they are.

FBI issue US Valentine warning for date protection act

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The extent of seriousness to which scamming on dating sites is now being taken has become evident from the US as it has emerged that the Federal Bureau of Investigations issued a warning on Valentine’s Day for public protection on exactly this matter.

The US criminal department’s cause for concern comes off the back of recent findings concerning the amount of fraudulent dating site profiles currently populating the world’s cyberspace chat rooms, forums and dating sites – the figures are just, well, scary. Yet still dating sites the world over, who have full exposure to the extent that scammers, perverts and sexual deviants are posing as decent love seekers, are just not willing to provide 100% full identity and background checks for its existing membership and new sign-ups in case it prevents genuine people looking for love online from registering to use their facilities.

Dateprotection.com is a website that fronts an organisation calling for greater online dating security on a global scale, headed up by its founder, Kevin Connell. His comments are constantly drowned out by the industry’s big game players and he, like the FBI, is calling for change on a grand scale that only the public can effect, as government authorities are either unable or unwilling to intervene.

The concept that Kevin is trying to get dating sites to accept is that all members have a right to be assured that the person they’re chatting with is genuine or at least provide an onsite means of allowing one of its members to verify any potential partner’s true identity themselves.

Currently, there are very few states in the US – the two ‘New’s – York and Jersey – that have any laws governing background checks for dating sites, although Connecticut and Illinois have also passed bills regulating them. The former only extend to paid facilities and they are not the most rigorous, asking only of the dating site owner to inform their members if they carry out criminal checks (not that they have to); in New York, there is the additional safeguard that online dating facilities must issue guidelines, many of which fall under the heading: ‘common sense’, advising its members of what to look out for and things not to do when actually meeting up offline someone they have met on site.

Singles should not feel pressurised into meeting anyone on their dating site who will not take appropriate lengths to independently verify their identification. As market leaders, Match.com and eHarmony have categorically stated that all of their membership undergo sex crime conviction checks. However, that test does not actually prove that the individual they are running the check on is the person who has actually signed up to the dating site.

Kevin Connell has revealed several secrets about the scale and industry insider knowledge of the scale of scam profiles; we will present them in our next article, along with what UK dating site members can do if they fancy someone on their site, but are unsure of their integrity.

Sex and its perceived importance in new relationships

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You can guarantee that if there’s a survey in the US for singles about the off- and online dating behaviour and it comprises 135 questions, there are going to be a fair few questions about sex thrown. Bless ‘em, the latest Singles in America quiz, posed to 5,000 dating site members by Match.com, didn’t disappoint.

There were the theoretical questions on the subject, such as: would you commit to someone you weren’t chemically attracted to? And there were the practical aspects for the genre, referring to limp libidos or just downright amateurish between the sheet experience transposing itself into the act. We’ll look at the theory side another day, but for this exercise, we’ll concentrate on the latter two physical aspects that could seriously jeopardise the longevity of an intimate association.

Would bad sex kill your relationship?

The jury were surprisingly split on this question with no runaway verdict either, in heterosexual or same sex relationships. However, the scenario of being with a lover who just didn’t do it for you between the sheets was slightly more of an issue for the women in both cases, according to the dating site survey.

Sorry, but here’s a bit of maths-exam stylee statistics to back that claim up.

Exactly half of straight women answered that a man who thought a G-spot may be a helping hand from a gay guy down the gym or similar asexual answer would be out the door before they got their slippers beneath the sofa. And 55% of lesbian women questioned said that if their partner was incapable of delivering the big O they would be out the door.  No excuse, really, is there?

Men were slightly less concerned, with only 44% of straight fellas saying they’d terminate proceedings if their partner turned out to be motionless and non experimental whilst they were making the grandest of gestures to satisfy their carnal cravings. And slightly more than half of gay men attested that bad sex was the be-all and end-all, with 52% reckoning they’d be on their way if their man didn’t measure up on that score.

Again, as in Darling, dirty sex doesn’t mean you don’t have to wash it, there is disparity between the age ranges taken to task over the questions.

From the mix of those surveyed, the answers point towards bad sex being more of a deal breaker to the older generation than the young. Whilst less than four in ten people in their twenties said that bad sex meant bye-bye, nearly half of those in the sixties couldn’t live without their regular supply of quality sexual attention.

Is this because, whilst you’re so young, any shortcomings and misdemeanours are overlooked in the hope that there is time to improve? Or could it be that, by the time you reach your sixties, you’ve either learnt all you’re ever going to about the art of making love and/or you know it but can no longer deliver the necessary because of physical or emotional limitations?

Whatever the underlying reason, the first step to not letting poor sex ruin a relationship that can be otherwise quite beautiful is to be able to talk freely about the matter, and not let it become a taboo subject, easier just not to talk about and lock away in a cupboard than face head on. Take the problem at hand in hand, coax it, love it, nurture it and see what grows as a result.

Dating site turn offs – what not to share

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Match.com recently conducted its second Singles in America study which we ran an overview of here on dating.org.uk a little while ago with the promise of embellishment upon these bones of the online dating industry as and when they became available during the course of the month.

Enough time has passed, it seems, for the renowned doctors, therapists and dating sites scientists to have dissected this information, drawn their conclusions and put them together in some type of meaningful format for the US singles market.

With the US economy little better off than our own, it is fair to assume that the results will have some relevance to the UK dating scene – how much you will only be able to judge for yourself as we interpret the statistics and percentages proposed by the giant of global dating with perhaps just a nod of acknowledgment to the 5,000 US singles who took part in the gruelling 135 question survey.

So, now you know from whence the information was gleaned, let’s get stuck into the sub-categories. The scientists chosen each had relevant experience in their niche and in homage to the construction of the survey, those doctors and therapists and relation experts have all stuck to their own field in providing their summaries.

We start with an appraisal by Dr Justin Garcia, scientific advisor to the dating site for the last two years, of the aspects of your dating site profile and offline dating behaviour that is going to kill any relationship stone dead before it’s even inhaled its first romantic breath. In other words, the deal breakers. There are several, and some more relevant to singles in some age ranges of the dating site membership than to others.

Being of US origin, the results contain several percentages relating to the adjudged panel’s answers but I will do my best to refer to them only when necessary; that many figures in an article make the news look like a maths exam and only geeks like those. Apologies to all the geeks, but that’s just not on.

In the following articles, we’ll take on board what US singles will just not put up with in their partners; article 2 will get their views on hygiene, article 3 will be about communication and bedroom Olympics – yeah, like trying to get a man to talk after sex in the UK dating scene’s ever gonna happen. Link to article two, here; article three – if you want forget about the dirty bits and just get straight down to the, well, dirty bits, here on Sunday, along with parenthood and distance relationships. See you over the page.

Darling, dirty sex doesn’t mean you don’t have to wash it

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With the global dating industry worth $2bn, according to one recent study, it is safe to assume that whilst chatting to prospective partners you will come across many singles who just don’t do it for you. Sometimes you just can’t put your finger on why you’re not taken with another single, whereas other times it’s just staring you (and everyone else) in the face, except the lovelorn single who’s having no luck with any of his or her dating sites.

These instances, these absolute no-no’s, are called the deal-breakers in America speak. Details in one recent study conducted by Match.com of 5,000 of its membership suggest that there are many, but some deal-breakers are more equal than others.

Hygiene, to you and me, is just one of those things that you do. You may not feel like it sometimes, but you know how devastating it would be not only to your love life but to your career and social standing if you let these standards slip. Especially if you are a very pristine (that’s a nice way of saying vain) person who takes better than average care of the way they look. And smell.

Unsurprisingly, the unkempt person was berated by all age ranges in the Singles in America study, but there was most definitely a pattern. For the youngest bracket in the survey, the twenty-somethings, only 55% of them said that someone who was lax in their appearance would be a definite write-off as a date. Take the same query to the other end of the scale, the baby boomers, and hygiene matters a whole lot more. If you let your cleanliness slip when you reach retirement, you will have isolated yourself from a massive 8 out of 10 seniors in your age range on your dating site. According to those figures, expectations raise considerably with age.

The general feeling toward the scruffy single is that, if they cannot put together a smart appearance to attract someone in the first place, what consideration are they going to show to anyone unfortunate enough to give them a try on their dating site? Okay, it may be a habit that a partner slips into once you’ve been together for a while and they become illness- or unemployment-stricken, but when you’re setting out down the dating path and you encounter this type of offensive filth, you do not want to have to explain the importance to someone who should know better at their age.

To be fair, if they have been poorly or just got back into work, they may not have noticed their standards slip, and you may want to risk having a discreet word with them early doors about the problem. How they react to your suggestion will obviously determine whether you continue dating them, or not. If they are ignorant of their hygiene, you may want to risk it. If they react badly, they are possibly in denial – that’s up to you then to decide whether they possess the maturity to change or whether you let them go figure it out for themselves and leave it to the next member of your dating site community to find out whether they made good on any promises.

Drive wipe facility not available on dating site hard drive

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Following on from the report of how Grindr was embarrassingly easily hacked last month and the effect that the release of such information, if the hacker chose to download and distribute it, would have on the dating site’s members, our next two articles look at how you may want to delete your information. This sounds like a great idea, but there are two problems with actuating that decision.

The first indirect problem is in itself twofold. If, having been the victim of a bitch campaign or been warned about your dating site activity if you hold a position of responsibility within the community or at work, yet you want to carry on using your site, you can choose to delete your ‘you’ profile and create an alter-ego to continue using the service.

The first issue with this scenario is proving your ‘other self’ as an entity if someone who is attracted to your dating site profile requests you to do so. By creating an imaginary online persona you are inadvertently mirroring the steps taken by scammers worldwide. You may also be in breach of the dating site’s guidelines by doing this, but that’s not the real problem. You are rendering the security facilities being adopted by the world of online dating globally, which allow users to align their dating profiles with an online verification of their identity. The first biggie we reported on was Trusted Faces but there are more coming along as the growth of scammers mirrors the increase in volume of new dating site sign-ups.

Even if you do eventually choose to create a new profile using an adopted name, which, to be successful in any real sense, has to incorporate an image that is at least a little like you, you can still be Geo-tagged. More about that in the following article.

But the second real issue is the deletion of your original account. According to one recent study, facebook retains your photographs for two and a half years on its servers after you have deleted your account. And they’re not alone in doing this. Dating sites the world over are guilty of the exact same practise. Their excuse for doing so has its core in the fact that, should the member’s relationship not work out, they may well want to reactivate the account they cancelled due to their change in circumstances.

As was the case in September last year when a judge ordered the release of Twitter and facebook passwords so that evidence could be presented of infidelity in a divorce court, the dating site’s privacy policies will not protect you by not sharing your information if the law comes knocking. Putting the two together, the longevity dating sites hold your data and their inability to stave off legal access to that information, you are warned here and now that anything you do or say, drunk or sober, on your dating or social networking site may be used against you (or someone else) in a court of law long after you have deleted your account.

The moral is, be careful what you say in the public domain – one day it may just come back and bite you on the ass when you’re least expecting it. Next up – steps to take to avoid this dilemma.

Sorry, have I seen your face before? You look familiar…

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In our previous article, we were informed about the fact that dating sites hold on to your account details in case we choose to reinstate our account, possibly for an indefinite period and that facebook retain our details for two and a half years.

The provider of that information, Rainey Reitman of the Electronic Frontier Foundation, also suggests that photographs we upload to our dating site or social media platform may be given an indefinite home on servers external to that of the website we have made our online dating home. This all makes it so much easier for social media sites to build up a picture of you even if you have just browsed their site. If they have your IP address from your visit and that information is stored in a deleted account somewhere in dating cyberspace, they already know a lot more about you when you sign up than you think they do, even if you’ve only clicked through and looked at one photograph of a potential partner in the past.

As promised, Mr Reitman of the Electronic Frontier Foundation, has provided some key information about how you can avoid this anonymous detection or, if the dating site is not that sophisticated, you can throw them a few less-advanced curveballs to put them off your scent.

As when they teach you internet marketing, sign up for a free e-mail address in the pseudonym which you’ll use to join your dating site and use it only for that purpose. When you’re done with the dating site, bin the e-mail account.

Never give the site your personal information unless you absolutely have to. This includes your name (the real one) and most definitely any credit or debit card information. You may not have information where this is stored, even after you close your account.

If you can stretch to it or find a free one, use a VPN (virtual private network). These are not bad services and often run a broadband service cheaper than you’d get through a telephone line rental company. What effect that gives you is, even though you log on as normal, it diverts all communication in a very real time manner through their network and IP address so that the dating site’s servers cannot trace your IP to you. Clever stuff.

Other advice, from Help Net Security, touches on your dating site profile photo, or galleries. If the photo of you has been tagged, there is an excellent chance that the image will be stored on an external server in perpetuity. There are services that allow you to search for an image online anywhere, such as tin-eye. When signing up under a pseudonym, either scan to see if a previous picture of you is stored anywhere online or upload a brand new one and attach it to your alter-ego’s profile under its name!

And lastly, before you sign up to a dating site, if keeping your real name discreet is a must, check out the sites t’s & c’s. They should disclose if they make any of your information, including the photo, searchable to the crawlers of the biggest engines, giving you (and them, of course) maximum coverage. If you do not want to be widely known as using a dating site that uses this facility, then either sign up following the guidelines above for anonymity or do not sign up at all.

And if you leave a bad comment on dating.org.uk about today’s articles, trust me when I say, I know who you are and I will come and find you! (joke)

The dating site problem – cause, effect and solution: answer

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The problem, as we’ve discussed in the first two articles, is how do dating sites retain market share when their success stories – those members who’ve found their product works – leave as soon as it does?

Well, let’s look at three of the biggest dating sites out there: Zoosk, Match.com and eHarmony. First, take a look at last year’s returns, then what their plans for 2012 are and how they affect you, the dating site member.

They all work in a similar way – you can browse for free, but then you have to commit to £20/month (ish) to get in touch with anyone who takes your fancy. Longevity of contracts differ, but that aspect of their business is very much of a muchness. It’s how each site views its members and what they’ve got in store which will shake up the 2012 dating market (or not, in some instances).

It’s fair to say that, whereas Zoosk has a massive pool of membership feeding off facebook’s getting on for a billion membership, the other two have had to build, or acquire, their memberships, granted. But it’s also fair to say that once Match.com and eHarmony get you paired off, you, the couple, are nothing more than a marketing tool for the companies’ success rates. This is where Zoosk hope to change the level of the playing field.

Match.com, by their own admission, target their efforts into delivering the best experience for the user whilst they’re single so that, should they meet up with someone and disappear for a while, as soon as they’re single again, they’ll be straight back online dating with them. Apparently, this is true of 50% of its membership.

eHarmony, similarly, is looking to enhance its existing dating site membership’s experience.  Early in Spring they plan to release a facebook app that will merge the two timelines. Nice feature, but you’re not going to entice members to continue paying their fees when they’re in a relationship and they can get facebook free, without eHarmony’s influence.

This is where Shayan Zadeh and Alex Mehr of Zoosk want to make a difference. Instead of focusing on their entrepreneurial efforts the site as it is – they have 100 developers doing that for them at any given time – but they want to introduce features that will be useful to couples after they’ve got together. In essence, it’s akin to LinkedIn, the job and professional networking social site. You may not actively be looking for work, but you never take your profile down and you do nip in from time to time on the off-chance (that you will work out how to use it properly, this time).

You can see why, out of the three, Zoosk is the fastest growing and although they’ve still a way to go before they catch up with the other two giants in the online dating world, with facebook at their back, new innovations and an unparalleled vision of the market, you can bet everyone else is looking back over their shoulders.

Some of the ideas tossed in the couple-retention pot so far are anniversary gifts, discountable products, such as dining for two, scrapbooks for their uploaded dating site photographs and, perhaps most beneficial of all, relationship advice. This could be key for people who’re getting together after a long time being single or having been widowed. And, providing the couple do not stop their membership fee, all these extras will be offered at no further cost.

Now, that’s what I call growing a business from within. Cost effective customer retention so that if the couple stay together, they’re on the dating site, if they break up, they’re there, too. Guys, pure genius. Told you 2012 will be different. You bet.

The dating site problem – cause, effect and solution: cause

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Although online dating has seen unprecedented numbers of new sign-ups over the last two years, the shape of the industry and what it does has not changed in any great manner.

It’s true.  Okay, many of the new dating sites springing to the fore from the far reaches of cyberspace do now have a very ‘social media’ look and feel to the way they operate and in the experience gained by the dating site member.

But, let’s face it, was isn’t social media influencing these days? Recent psychological analyses suggest that many people, especially the younger generation who have grew up with the evolving platform, are struggling to separate themselves in the real world from their persona online. In contrast, those of us who have seen the internet grow throughout our own adulthood still see the medium as escapism, especially when we can be creative with ourselves on matchmaking and dating sites.

It’s true. I cannot believe – and I still can’t, no matter how much I try to get my head around it – that someone pays me to write for the Internet. Dream job, or what? I love to write and the Internet, well. Is it real? For those who suffered the days of dial up, the version we have now is nothing more than a playground. But for business?

Well – let me tell you now – online dating is BIG business and (trust me when I say this now) it is going to get bigger. Starting right now, in 2012, dating sites will grow exponentially unlike at any time in their history. Why?

It’s all because of two Iranian guys who know the dating site market and know the Internet. They have learnt from previous lives that businesses grow through existing customers rather than try to attract new ones over and over and over again, which has been a problem for dating sites since the first tentative conversations on AOL started in mainstream chat-rooms fifteen years ago.

But that has always been the problem – if you are a successful dating site, your customers leave you, using their subscription fees instead to feather their own nests to hopefully furnish the matrimonial home. Well, that depends upon which site you use and what you want to gain from the experience, obviously, but that is usually the barometer of success by which the top dating sites are measured. So, that’s the problem identified. Now, what to do about it.

These two guys have cracked it, the established dating sites are looking over their shoulders. Over the course of the next two articles, I’ll try to explain why. Gad Zoosk!

The dating site problem – cause, effect and solution: effect

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So, we’ve identified the problem facing the world of online dating: every time their product is successful, two of their customers are gone, maybe never in the market for it again. Because of this issue, according to one recent study by Ibisworld, the global dating industry has grown 1% in five years.

I was shocked at that figure at first – thought: that can’t be right. You read of record numbers of sign ups and the annual internet dating industry growing to $2bn – the sector has got to have grown more than that, surely. But, no.

As dating sites refine their product through research, customer polls and reaction to market trends, the product they offer gets better. It has to, purely down to the amount of competition every dating site on the internet faces.

So if you’re making your product better, how do you retain your market share whilst growing your bottom line to satisfy your share- and stakeholders, to then further research how to make it even better to rinse and repeat the whole process? Whack on a whole chunk of expenditure for advertising because you have to replace two customers for every one relationship, the conundrum gets more head-scratch-worthy.

In as far as keeping the shareholders happy, this shouldn’t be a problem. If you’re constantly improving your product, providing that the development costs are less than the capital gains, you’ll be in profit. If you have a customer who’s happy with your service, price, within reason, is not even an issue. Ask anyone in business and they’ll tell you exactly the same. However, there is not an infinite number of ways you can refine searches or add pretty, flashy decor to a site and still retain your dating site brand recognition.

There are exceptions to the rule. Take your high-end dating sites, for example. Cost, for the members there, is simply not an issue. The members pay four-figure premiums per month in return for the site doing all the ground work whilst they get on earning a stash, meaning all they have to do, once they’ve been accepted at one-to-one interview level, is turn up and start dating.

The rule these matchmaking sites are exempt from is fluctuation and guesswork of how much of the market share they can secure. High end dating sites tend to have a maximum membership level, are staffed accordingly, use reputation for the bulk of their advertising and probably turn down more people than they allow to sign up, such is the demand for this executive dating service.

Which brings us back to the ‘growth from within’ conundrum for the mainstream dating site: how do you remain successful without losing your customer base?

All will be revealed in the final piece of the jigsaw: answer

Dating site numbers increase, but so do the fraudsters

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Over the years, especially in more recent enlightened and hyper-connected times, cyberspace has joined thousands upon thousands of couples together over the Internet through its myriad dating sites. As thousands of newbies join the world of online dating for the first time every day, it is sad to report that they are joined by a whole new breed of scammers waiting behind beautiful dating site profiles just waiting to alleviate them of any spare change – and a whole lot more – that they happen to have lying about doing nothing in particular.

According to one recent study, by leading online fraud outfit Iovation, the number of instances dating site frau has been detected has risen a huge 150% in line with the popularity of turning to the Internet to find love.

The report goes into some detail of how the fraudsters are operating. The bogus ‘unclaimed inheritance’, whereby the dating site member is asked for a fee to release the cash immediately to them if they are prepared to pose as the ‘only surviving victim’ of an imaginary stash of cash left in a bank vault in Africa is still quite a popular ruse. But people are becoming wise to this type of communiqué. It is the actual credit card information that they are starting to target, now – these large, organised gangs are becoming more savvy. There was a time when, through fear of being traced, they would only ever ask for money to be wired from outside the dating site’s confines, as this was totally untraceable, but now they are, according to the report, becoming more blaze and going for the jackpot, straight off.

To protect dating sites and their membership, webmasters can purchase software from Iovation which shows up bogus and fraudulent transactions using the ReputationManager 360 package. In 2010, 1.4% of transactions on dating sites implementing the program were found to be illegal. The 2011 comparative figure was 3.8% – considering the industry is worth $2bn dollars annually, you get some idea of the amount of actual we are talking about.

The realisation of a standard of minimum security for dating sites will hopefully be enforced one day soon, but for free dating sites, that may just be a bridge too far for their cash-flow. Income from advertising, except in exceptional businesses, very often does not stretch much further than the running costs and a (decent-ish) salary for said webmaster.

If new legislation is passed that means the end of the free dating site but also significantly cuts down on that 3.8% figure, surely the winners will be the online daters themselves and, of course, webmasters who take the security of their clients seriously. Win-win, if ever there was such a case.

Hoping for more than just connections on LinkedIn

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Have you ever used LinkedIn? If you have and know how it works, how’s about putting together an easy-to-follow guide e-book and firing a copy over this way? Okay, that may take some time, but have you checked it out this year yet? No, me neither.

Apparently, for the last month, there has been a shoot-off site ‘Hitch.me’ which draws upon your LinkedIn profile information and searches your network to find you a partner. Yep – a dating site for the working professional.

I have to be totally honest, considering it’s a networking site for the organised businessman and -woman, I’ve found it haphazard and the navigation – well, I think Uncle Albert was in charge when they planned that.

But that’s the main site. According to one recent report, members are ‘flocking’ to the dating site version – 2,000 members having signed up already in the month it’s been live.

However, there are already reports of one issue that all of the top dating sites have had to contend with and subsequently figure a way around: Hitch.me is already showing a bias towards the number of male sign-ups, with the men outnumbering the women six to four in these early stages.  We may soon see half-priced credits for women to redress this balance.

What the dating site does have in its favour, and this is prevalent in the reported statistics to date, is that the worry of dating someone with a job is more or less negated. Because of the way the ‘connections’ works on LinkedIn, anyone who claims to be working at XXX Plc can soon be verified by someone else on the site working for the same company in the member’s extended network, providing that the a.n.other responds to your invitation to connect, that is.

Hitch.me carries the LinkedIn business metaphor through into dating land with many of its features. Instead of sending a video message, you send your intended partner a ‘presentation’, which is paid for in ‘credits’ – 100 for this service. You can also ‘pitch’ a prospect for 50 credits. So, by my maths, two pitches and one presentation and the 200 credits you get for signing up, that’s your cashflow blown.

But it’s not such a bad system – whereas paid dating sites charge a monthly fee in perpetuity, whether you use their service or not, Hitch.me only deducts credits from your account when you use them. And at $10 for 300 credits or 2,500 credits for $50, that’s not a bad ROI in anyone’s books if you score with some of the more high-flying users who have signed up to the stand-alone site, which has been rubber-stamped by LinkedIn. In the same report, it relates that 51% of the new dating site members are on $100k per annum plus salaries…

…guys, I’ll be back later; just off to see what I’ve done with my LinkedIn password…sure I wrote it down here, somewhere…

The third person is not your ideal first choice date

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According to one recent study, fifty percent of adults across the pond have reported knowing someone who initially began their relationship online. However, startling new insights into the results – namely what happened after dating began – perhaps show that not all dating site relationships end up happily ever after.

On the day before Valentine’s Day, results were published of a survey that Euro RSCG Worldwide had commissioned. The marketing group surveyed 1,000 individuals, twenty percent of whom admitted to having had a sexual encounter or starting seeing a partner whom they had met via a dating site or other online platform.

In a separate report, you start to recognise the evidence pile up against seeing someone who is an avid user of dating sites. Thirty three percent of those questioned in the second survey were aware of relationships that had been brought to a grinding halt because of one half of the couple’s continued actions online. And the same set of individuals confirmed, or at least a motion-carrying seventy five percent of them anyway, that stepping outside the lines of relationship etiquette on a dating site whilst going steady was tantamount to infidelity.

Norm Yustin, Group President for RSCG Chicago, reflected on the results and how the online world – one was totally separate to the day-to-day offline world, is now becoming such a very real part of everyday life that it’s becoming difficult to separate the two. Or, at least the influence of cyberspace in any real sense on the way individuals react to each other.

The whole concept of online dating is based on an element of untruth. Very few dating site members ever write a 100% truthful dating profile. Two university professors who teach in human communication, sampled 78 matchmaking site profiles – eighty percent of them exaggerated or were conservative with the truth at one time or another during their online experience.

Here’s something to look out for next time you’re eyeing up a potential partner online – if they are using negatives to precede their adjectives – i.e., rather than say they’re handsome, they say they’re not ugly – it’s a good chance they’re hiding something. When questioned about themselves to anything that’s not fully explained in their dating profile, the answer will be brief and they will shy away from addressing themselves in the first person, as if they are physically distancing their online persona away from the real them in a defiant act of escapism.

The theory behind their lack of self-expression or description is quite simple – the less lies they tell about themselves, the less chance they have of being found out or tripped up later on if they’ve forgotten a little bit of fantasy they’ve thrown in previously.

So, folks – expressive, consistent people who use the site less often when they’re in a relationship but who are on your dating site when they’re single are the ones to go for! Good luck – the won’t stay single very long, according to all reports.

Those three little words – i Pad 2

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Would you Adam and Eve it, but there’s a dating site app been launched by Cupidtino purely for Apple device owners. That’s right – any other Smartphone users are going to be left out in the wilderness east of Eden this Valentine’s Day as prospective members cannot even sign up unless they have a device that supports the ‘beautiful hardware and software designs‘ associated with the Mac name.

There is something not quite right resounding from the pages of the site as the only real love affair going on (so far as Blackberry or Android users are concerned) is the one the web’s creators have with the legacy left by the late, great Steve Jobs.

Almost anyone who’s reading this will have, at some point, browsed a matchmaking site, heck probably even signed up for one or two of the dating sites that match you and a potential partner on the grounds of career, lifestyle choice, goals, ambitions or what you want from your next relationship.

To qualify as the most sought after single on Cupidtino, however, you are matched and rated on ‘Appleness’. Must be something to do with the dual core on the iPhone 4S, I guess. It’s absolutely true.

In place of the usual questions that would perhaps prompt a new dating sign up for their favourite band, hottest A-list star, football team or career ambition, this dating site asks its membership their favourite iTunes playlist or what’s queuing up in their Netflix. Even the name of the dating site is derived from Cupertino, Apples HQ in CA and that little rogue cupid.

There are fetish dating sites for rubber, feet (should have put ‘sole’, there really, would have fit nicely in with the Apple theme; ne’er mind), sadomasochism and dominatrices – those you can perhaps understand. But for the love of hard- and software? Must be some form of BASIC instinct.

Well, if you’re tempted by the Apple-only dating site, please, give it a go. Let us know if, as the sign up stage states, it is for people who have better taste. On second thoughts, the thought of some sending me a Valentine’s Day card with iLoveU on it? Maybe not.

Just who was our Valentine hero?

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Nothing gets singles dating like valentines day. It is the one day of the year when usually shy guys and girls abandon pretence and pride and just go for it. In offices up and down the country, in bars, pubs and clubs tonight on UK dating sites everywhere, there will be people who have been building up to declaring their undying love for someone for a while and can’t wait to blurt it out. There will be singles everywhere who just never saw it coming and will be bowled over by proposals that spring up from nowhere to shock and amaze them.

Yes, some may say it’s commercialism gone mad (note the facebook status of those who do – guarantee you it’s: <b>single</b>) whilst those in relationships use the day to fall in love all over again and love the opportunity to express to their significant other just how much they love them. In today’s hyper-connected world, we spend so much time texting and e-mailing, private messaging on dating sites, but how often do we talk and not feel at odds with ourselves if we say ‘I love you’ to the one we do?

In this day and age, with online dating having transformed the way people look at dating as a whole, there really is no excuse not to tell at least one person how you feel about them. As Jake and Elwood once sang, everybody needs somebody to love.

But who gave us this opportunity? Is St Valentine real or is it just a myth that someone could prove love so much that he was honoured so throughout time immemorial by so many lovers after him?  Or did Clintons have a really bad Christmas one year and decide they needed something between New Year and Easter?

Well the jury’s still out about who he actually was but there is one version that holds true, both in timeline and historical accuracy around the time that Valentine’s Day was conceived, albeit somewhat unwittingly, by the saint we honour today who was martyred for the cause.

The common belief dates the sending of the original Valentine’s card to around the time of the Roman Emperor Claudius II. The leader stumbled upon the idea that single men fought with more vigour than their married peers, who longed for their families when they were fighting for the Empire on foreign shores. He subsequently banned all marriages.

However, a Catholic priest by the name of Valentine upheld the church’s belief and continued marrying men (to other women, you understand, he wasn’t a gay bigamist). Claudius II summoned the priest and extended an offer of pardon, providing the priest stopped carrying out wedding ceremonies. Valentine refused and was imprisoned before being subjected to a beating, then a stoning before finally having his head chopped off. However, whilst he awaited his punishment, he wrote to the jailor’s daughter expressing his undying love, no matter what happened to him; the letter he signed ‘from your Valentine’.

However, it wasn’t until 1,100 years later, around 1400 A.D., that sending valentine’s cards was popularised, a tradition we still hold today and was reportedly worth £20M to the UK economy alone last year. If only he’d had some of those royalties and a good agent…

Forgive the sentiment, but, come on – it’s Valentine’s Day

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Well, happy Valentine’s Day, one and all! With any luck, you have been inundated this morning and have a recycling bin full of envelopes and enough Valentine’s Day cards to wallpaper the spare room. If not, add this very special Valentine’s wish from me, print it off and pop it on your mantelpiece along with a sloppy wet kiss. xxx

However, it seems that more than half of the country are not looking forward to the day as it only reminds them of the fact that they are single. Well, isn’t that the point? Certainly, dating sites feel the heat on Valentine’s Day, with singles from across the globe desperate to fall in love and share their love, even with complete strangers over the distance of cyberspace.

It’s a great time for bringing couples closer together, too, especially if they’ve not been seeing eye to eye. It’s a white flag day, time for a truce and to just enjoy each others company and remember why it was you got together in the first instance.

But why should this one day have such a pacifying effect on stormy relationships? How come couples who are joined at the hip can fall impossibly even more in love with each other for the day? And why do so many singles who would otherwise not dream of it feel brave enough to part with their hard-earned dough by risking their reputation and possible friendships by declaring their love for some unsuspecting other single on this day more than any other, whether it be way of an e-mail, a card sent incognito or a private message on a dating site?

Despite the objections of those who would rather skulk and pour scorn on the day of lovers, last year love-struck nationals from every country across the globe sent over one billion cards. In the UK alone, we spent £20M, weighing down postmen’s sacks. That’s without taking into account the thousands of roses and other flowers, meals and take-aways, boxes of chocolates other keepsakes and mementos of the most romantic day of the year.

Today is a time for letting the real world run its course without you, for once. Devote yourself to your partner; vie for the love of another who may not yet know the depth of your feelings for them. If you think you are stuck because you do not have a partner and stand no chance of meeting someone in time, there are thousands of single dating site members across the world who would love to share the sentiment of the day with you, even if you cannot be with them physically.

The world of online dating was almost made for just such an occasion. Don’t miss out, be a part of the massive e-love-ution evolution that is Valentine’s Day – you have absolutely nothing to lose and you could, today of all days, find your perfect match in minutes to last you a lifetime.

Steps to avoid being scammed dating online

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Despite the spiralling popularity of dating sites members of the public have guarded reservations about using a platform that a whole generation is growing up taking for granted. As schools, community programs and day care centres develop blogs, websites and Twitter and Facebook accounts, the days when the world of online dating was recalled with a sliver of ice tingling the spine will be just that, a distant memory.

Yet, despite a worldwide effort to increase dating site security, we cannot ignore the fact that fraud and scammers perpetuate the myth that dating sites are unsafe places to frequent, let alone consider meeting someone with whom you’d consider sharing the rest of your life.

If you’re new to the world of online dating, you are probably more vulnerable than seasoned Internet love seekers. Scammers instantly target new sign ups and in their desperation to at least start the ball rolling, the new sign up replies to that initial prompt.

After a period whereby the scammer gains the trust of the ‘newbie’, there will inevitably come the promise of a visit ‘if only they had the funds‘ or ‘a relative has been taken sick and they’re waiting for the insurance to clear’ or ‘there’s a [magical investment], but they (the scammer) need funds to see the reward come to fruition‘. All plights seem like humanitarian gifts of kindness or opportunities too good to pass up on behalf of the innocent dating site member. But if you loan the money, that’s the last you’ll ever see of it.

One recent report suggests the following ways to ensure you stay safe if you’re considering dipping a toe into the world of online dating:

Do not be tempted to open up lines of communication outside the domain of the dating site. Most dating sites offer enough ways to communicate in the early stages of a relationship to enable the member to assess whether there’s a future in the relationship. Do not give out your phone number or e-mail address until you have met the person who’s contacted you.

This article continues with further ways to protect yourself dating online and a quick tale of an e-mail I had only this month as soon as I joined what appeared, on the face of it, to be a professional networking site for writers, publishers and editors.  And I mean, this e-mail was waiting in my inbox before I’d even sent the confirmation that the e-mail I’d supplied was legit.  Scary.

Continue reading: Don’t let your guard down online dating

Don’t let your guard down online dating

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We pick up from whence we left off with “Steps to avoid being scammed dating online” with a few keen tips from one observer @ BBB, then I’ll relate to you exactly the type of communication you may get on your dating site when you first sign up.

Initially the messages will be from someone who seems kind, loving and genuinely wants to build up a long term relationship, but those promises of love ever after will soon turn to tales of woe or golden opportunities – all designed as levers to get you to send your money to them, which will go straight into the bank account of an organised gang of swindlers who prey on ‘green’ dating site members, usually in Nigeria or other parts of North Africa.

If you are determined to send someone money because you’re absolutely certain that their cry for help is genuine, insist on a face-to-face meeting directly. As with anyone you meet for the first few times on dating sites, always make that in a very public place, in broad daylight and somewhere you can get home easily without relying on them to ‘see you home’. If they’re who they say they are and their plight is real, they will turn up. If they use distance as an excuse, offer to buy their travel tickets for them and you can send them on. Never give them the money to make their own arrangements to come see you.

And if they still get around you that way (they are very plausible and persuasive and know exactly where your heart strings lie and can exert pressure that would have them high-ranking in The Spanish Inquisition) never choose a wire service to send the cash. Wire transfers are almost totally untraceable and offer you no cover whatsoever if (when) your mystery date doesn’t show. At least with a credit card, you have insurance up to a point, though whether being duped on a dating site is covered, I very much doubt. It is this simple: never give money to someone you’ve met on a dating site!

And this last one goes without saying for any walk of life, but you’d be surprised at what information people are persuaded to relinquish about themselves when their guard is down. Bank account numbers, passwords, national insurance numbers, addresses – keep them to yourself. You’ve heard the stories about identity theft, right?

Even if you think giving the password to your dating site is an innocuous act, trained hackers can access all sorts of information about you even if they have just one way in. For ease, people tend to adopt a ‘one password fits all‘ mentality; with the amount of separate accounts users of the Internet sign up for, it’s only a matter of time before they find the one that leads to your bank account or credit card. It’s called personal information for a reason.

Guys, I’m all out of time for my tale of being approached by a scammer – first article tomorrow, promise. Stay safe and be lucky in love. x

Dating sites not necessarily the key to dating down under

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Last week, we concentrated solely on getting you up and running on your dating site for Valentine’s Day so this week we’re going to move away from the UK dating scene and have a look at what’s going on around the rest of this marble we’re on.

We’ll start off as far away as possible, if that’s okay? No, not Inverness – Australia. Specifically Queensland and how their dating world has changed since online dating lost its cloak of indecency but, more specifically, since 46% of Australians, according to one recent study, have Smartphones with Internet access.

It’s not just dating sites that are being utilised to find a perfect match in minutes, either, and those are very real-time turn-around estimates. As both sexes of the Queensland 18-34 populace turn on a more regular basis to online dating and social media for their technological courtship, Facebook status recognition is being used as a barometer to check out whether your friends are up for a night out or whether they’re officially off the market.

After just three dates, a third of the younger singles are changing their circumstances to ‘in a relationship’ and twenty percent are just as quick to announce their single status as soon as the relationship they’re in has ran its course.

However, there are all the usual warnings of dating online, specifically from residents of Queensland sceptical of the medium.  Between the lines, there is a pressing urge for global dating site security to become a legality rather than a recommendation, a view shared the world over. This may be one of the reasons why the same report found that many of the singles are playing hard to get, a wise move until you are assured of the identity of the person you meet (and fall for) on your dating platform.

Yet, there are still many signs that traditional dating is still very much en vogue, down under. Despite more singles opting for the dating sites to make initial contact, a Mills and Boon survey suggests that a whopping 91% of women still prefer their man to actually call them to ask them out on a date rather than rely on a text message to announce their official interest.

And the majority of Australian women still hold their love lives dear, looking for long term commitment rather than a quick fling. According to Michelle LaForest, MD of Harlequin Enterprises Australia, for the many women turning to dating sites, retaining that balance is proving to be a challenge; rather, her comments suggest that after the initial online dating experience, women still prefer the traditional dating methods of a ‘real life’ encounter.

Ever wonder if you “could do better” with online dating?

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As much as we extol the virtues of online dating, we have to hold our hands up and say: ‘it’s not for everyone’. Or rather, it’s perhaps not for everyone who expects the world of dating online to be like the old way, which was meeting someone at work or in a bar or that a relationship exactly like their last one is right there waiting for them online.

There are a couple of popular misconceptions about meeting someone on a dating site:
1. You have to be crazy to do it – if that’s the case, then there’s a whole load of crazy people out there doing online dating, and doing it well
2. Online dating is easy – it’s not as simple as pop a few pieces of information into a questionnaire and your perfect partner’s name will pop out on a little laminated card that you can put in your purse or wallet allowing you to then just skip along the pavement until the nuptials.

For one thing, no one has ever actually proven that their scientific algorithms work – not that any one of the top mainstream dating sites will share the exact calculations they use to perform the matchmaking process or how they pair singles together.  And secondly, the most worthwhile relationships are those that take time to nurture, that hold back in anticipation and certainly do not try to compare their expectations with their past experiences.  A little piece of paradise exists for us all here on this tawdry planet, but we’ve got to find that yellow brick road before we can head off into the sunset along it, hand in hand with our perfect partner and that takes time, patience and bein open to new experiences.

What is very obvious, and this has been absolutely personified in a blog I’ve read this evening, and that is: if you sign up for your dating site expecting the worst, that’s what you’ll get.

If your dating site profile screams:
1. ‘I’m only doing this because I’m desperate’, or
2. ‘I was three sheets to the wind when my mate suggested I do this and I probably won’t remember speaking to you in the morning’, or
3. ‘my mates have got me to try this out and I’m only doing this to shut them up’,
you’ll get the responses that those sentiments deserve.

Now, you’re not telling me that, if you were browsing through the myriad expectant faces and plethora of prospective partners on your dating site that, if you came across a profile that even suggested any of those things that you’d bookmark it or waste a ‘token’ on getting in touch; well, unless you were actually desparate yourself. Not exactly the basis of beautiful relationship though, perhaps you’ll forgive me for suggesting.

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The right time or wrong time to sign up for online dating?

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[...] cont’d from

Where dating sites and bars are alike is that if you expressed any of those traits whilst you were in a bar, namely either utter desperation, being off your face or dismissive and in denial (as outlined in the preceding article) the only individuals you would possibly attract would be, in the cold light of day, classed as undesirable. Harsh, and I’m sorry, but that’s the truth of it. If you were exhibiting any of the above mentioned attitudes down your local, you may end up pulling only because the person you end up with had no better offer. In a bar, yes, you may get that opportunity.

On dating sites, however, the chances of anyone returning with so many other thousands or millions of members in the dating site community to choose from are remote. If any of those descriptions sound like the circumstances under which you signed up for your dating site and you’re not doing as well as you’d hoped or you’re ready to give up because you’re only attracting losers, take a fresh look at your profile. Read between the lines of what you’ve actually written and ask yourself – or better still, ask a friend who’ll be honest with you – what do those words say about me?

The person who wrote the blog I read this evening, although I’ve not read their dating site profile, I know would scream at least one (if not all) of the above traits without those words actually appearing on the screen before me. With the addition of the killer line, that punctuated everything they wrote – not directly, but with references in the opening paragraph and comparisons throughout the blog – which I guess would have gone along the lines of: “okay, I’m gonna give you a try, but don’t expect too much coz you’re just not my ex!”

There are good reasons for joining dating sites and not so advisable ones; if you’re looking for someone who’s just like your ex, well, you’ve got their number already. Either make the decision to move on or be prepared for a whole load of unfulfilling dates before you realise you have to.

Online dating can seem like a massive place with so many members, but you’ll be surprised how quick the reputation of time-waster or even scammer can be picked up.  It may not be up to you to call the shots regarding who you do and don’t date if that type of reputation precedes you.

Dating sites can bring out a side of you hidden for too long

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We’re almost there – getting you ready to attack those dating sites this weekend to ensure you at least get Valentine’s Day e-mails from your online dating sites at the very least. We have a few last little tips on your dating site profile, then we’ll take a look at how to get the best out of the dating site membership by modifying your searches and responses.

So, your dating site profile should be almost complete, even having had it acid-tested by a friend you can trust to give you honest, forthright feedback. One last aspect to consider before you hit the upload button: does your online persona sound like a happy soul? Would you want to be with you if you were reading your profile?

Be honest with yourself. Joining an online dating site that boasts million-plus membership can be a daunting prospect. If you were feeling nervous and apprehensive before making the decision to join one or two dating sites, by the time you’ve seen the competition and the calibre of singles out there looking to find love online, it can be downright depressing, let alone nerve-racking. But you mustn’t let this anxiety show through in your dating profile.

Confident, even a little bit cocky, is a good attitude to have. With UK dating sites, they really are a place where more timid people can find a voice they never knew they had, or at least only suspected but have never had the platform to bellow out their inner emotions (keep the personal stuff to a minimum, though!). Providing you stick to the rule of not attracting people you wouldn’t want to date and retaining a pretty accurate portrayal of the real you, your new dating site is the perfect place to find that hidden aspect and just turn up its voice, decibel by decibel, until you’re even scaring yourself with what this vociferous new you can achieve.

What you may find is that you are attracting a whole new audience. Sure, there’ll be some whackos – every dating site has them – but don’t be automatically too dismissive. If you’re absolutely certain that you’ll never meet up with someone who’s taken the time to contact you, let them down gently. Never ignore them; remain courteous and be honest without being hurtful.

Even if that someone comes across as arrogant, they may really be just like you, nerves bringing out a personality they can’t control. Any angry retort or outright putdown may damage their confidence irreparably.

Dating sites – here endeth the Valentine’s Day lesson

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When you first sign up to a dating site, there can be a lot of information to take in. One of the best recent innovations in the world of online dating is that the newer dating sites appearing on the market are tailored towards users of existing social media sites. The features are getting more familiar as the line between the two platforms gets thinner with every passing month. So it may all look slightly different but the functionality should be similar.

Most dating sites have an intranet, whereby there is a network for the site by the site on the site, where your inbox is within your dashboard, along with the control over your dating site profile information, such as your likes, dislikes and photo galleries for paid dating sites. Likewise, upgrading to a paid membership now often gives you access to one-on-one video-cam, where you can check out for real that you’re dating a real person and see if they are like their profile photo and personality.

And don’t be nervous about using these features. Everyone on your new dating site has had to get used to the web-cam or the ‘wink‘ feature or the one specific aspect of the dating site which makes it unique. Your blissful ignorance and lack of experience with these features is a sure-fire way to attract interest by asking for help on the forum or chatroom! With all this technology to hand, there is no excuse in being backwards at coming forwards.

When you do say ‘hi’ to someone, be a bit specific about why you have approached them. There are some drop-dead gorgeous profile galleries on show in dating land, which attract literally hundreds of these little ‘hi, I like your photo’ one line introductions – they are mostly ignored. The whole point of making contact with someone on a dating site is because you feel as if you could connect with the person who’s caught your eye. Tell them why (briefly – you can expand, later) you felt moved to contact them and end your introduction with an indirect question. They may be genuinely shy and not know what to say in their response – give them that angle to get back in touch. Even if it’s just because you like someone’s write-up, but they’ve not included a photo – ask them for one. They may be willing to send one privately, but have a genuine reason for their anonymity in the public domain.

And lastly, a UK dating site is a dynamic thing, a beast subject to metamorphosis as new members sign up, offers on membership deals arise and new innovations in technology enhance existing or introduce new features. It’s not a set and forget platform for you to just activate, sit back and hope for the best. Like everything in life, you’ll get out of your dating experience what you put in. Keep your information fresh, update your profile to match offline achievements to invite a whole new audience, keep safe, but, most of all, dating should be fun!

Enjoy. Have a great Valentine’s Day and we hope you’ve enjoyed this week and the crash course in getting the best from your dating site! Love, one and all, from dating.org.uk. xxx

p.s. Send us an e-mail if you’ve had a success story or tale of woe or if there’s anything you’d like us to cover in the news – we’d be only too happy to check it out. xxx

Widen your net; you’ll be surprised at the catches out there

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When you first start out online dating, getting the hang of one dating site can be daunting enough without thinking about juggling multiple inboxes and trying to respond to all of the singles who contact you. Especially in the first few days. Not only will you get genuine messages of welcome (you’ll find that women respond to both sexes with a hearty greeting, whereas men only to women – it’s the old alpha male thing; you’ll soon get used to all that testosterone), but there can often be peaks when you first join any dating site. This is purely down to members or (even admin staff) who dutifully trudge through the new sign-ups to ensure they’re not missing out on anything.

So don’t panic if you think you’re never going to able to cope – it’s just the newbie rush, especially around dates like Valentine’s Day. Some of the paid dating sites do impose a limit on the number of e-mails new sign-ups can receive to prevent exactly this eventuality. If you see someone new and you can’t get a message through, it may be down to this reason, not because they’re not interested – they may just be being shielded from too much of an influx of interested parties. If you are one of those who find themselves not being able to contact someone you really like, set yourself a reminder and keep checking back. A little bit of competition is good for the soul, so they say.

If, however, that avenue is cut off to you for whatever reason and you’re not finding the exact match you were looking for, it may be that you’ve perhaps set your dating site expectations slightly too high. It’s amazing that, from sites boasting millions of members – not all of those may be currently dating, it’s worth stating – you may literally filter your search down to only a half a dozen close matches.

That’s because people are people and there are so many aspects that go into one personality, finding someone with the exact traits you’re looking for, minus the ones you’re not, would be some achievement. All relationships have a level of compromise (believe me, I’m talking from experience, there), so you may only ever find Mr or Mrs Nearly-Right.

If you’re not getting the success from your dating site that you expected, try broadening your horizons. Ask yourself if age is so very important? Does your potential partner have to live on your doorstep before you’ll consider dating them or is it worth going that extra mile for that special someone? And would it be so bad if you were taller than your man in high heels? Well, if he put high heels on to compete then you may have an issue, but really? Joining a dating site is a wonderful new opportunity to express yourself and extend yourself. Don’t blow it by being blinkered.

Read between the lines of your dating site profile

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Over this last week we’ve looked at the mechanics behind choosing the right dating site, membership type, user name and profile photo in an attempt at giving you a crash course in dating site etiquette so you have a viable presence in time for Valentine’s Day.

Today, we shift the emphasis from the physicalities to the subtleties of dating site profile creation, concentrating on what your profile says about you, between the lines as much as it does in the syntax itself. We will then move on to your first introductory messages and what to do in the event of a response.

By browsing other profiles, you should have some idea of what you want to say about yourself and have a rough draft somewhere on your PC in a word processing document of your forthcoming online dating persona. Before you take this spectacular new you to dating land, re-read it, check that it conveys what you want it to, using the images you’ve gleaned from other profiles as your yardstick and make sure you’re not inviting contact from the wrong audience. ‘Adult dating‘ in the world of cyberspace, for example, does not mean going to an 18+ flick then on to a bar or restaurant afterwards. Oh no.

This aspect should not be entered into lightly and you should have a complete profile ready to copy and paste into your new dating site. Do run the spellchecker over it in your word processing program and do ensure that, whichever Internet dating platform you are considering using, you have a topic for each section of the initial profile sign-up stage.

Nothing conveys the message more that you’re not taking online dating seriously than a profile full of spelling mistakes and punctuation errors and areas ‘about you’ that are left completely blank. Serious daters who prefer to browse profiles themselves rather than rely on matchmaking algorithms do like to see the full picture and will follow up (or not) accordingly.

Set aside the time to do the sign-up process properly; with matchmaking sites, it can be slightly different as there are a whole host of multiple choice questions to get through before your dating site profile goes live, but that doesn’t mean you can just fly through them to get that bit out the way. Refer back to your crafted dating site persona, think about the message and choose your answers accordingly. If you’re using this new era in dating to perhaps go about things differently to how you’ve approached relationships in the past, use these multiple choice answers to reflect the new you, not the old one you’re trying to ditch, otherwise you’ll be back at square one.

One last tip about dating site profiles – if you have a friend, a real close buddy who you can stand being totally honest with you, ask them to read through your profile <i>before</i> broadcasting it to all and sundry. Gauge their reaction – there may be something glaringly obvious that you’ve missed about yourself that you take for granted but they see as a positive; get that included, and you’re ready to post your profile.

Let your dating profile picture tell its own story

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In the UK dating arena, unlike many other global dating site platforms, profile pictures are critical to the amount of click-throughs and e-mails you get from your prospective audience. Certainly on the Continent, it is the words that matter, even your name can be the difference between whether you’re a dating site genius or utter online dating disaster.

Filtering this aspect of your dating site profile further, there are profile pics that work and those that don’t.

Before we go into the whys and wherefores, when you’re choosing your photograph, think about why you joined the dating site in the first place. Did you just want a quick fling then drop your partner like a ton of bricks come February 15th? Is a fling not your thing? Is it a long-term partner you’re after, a sugar daddy, a cougar, a toy-boy or sugar baby? Your photograph, like the old adage goes, paints a thousand words and it will determine the type of character that visits your profile.

Needless to say, if you’ve followed this week’s articles and set about finding the perfect dating site, choosing the aspects from other peoples profiles that suit you (and turned them into your own words, of course!) and found a membership package that’s ideal, do not let your picture spoil all of the rest of your hard work.

A couple if tips gleaned from past studies: guys, look smart, comb your hair, shave and brush your teeth – yes, even for your photo. You may well have had sixteen pints the night before you’ve asked your mate to come around to take a decent photo, but that cannot show through in your image. A good quality digital camera image that you can crop and resize, depending upon your dating sites perameters and storage limits, is what you need.

And ladies, a similar message applies. One golden rule – do NOT wear too much make up – guys genuinely like to see the real you, the one that they’ll wake up to every morning. They do not want to see a Beatties make-up assistant whose skin resembles that of the Tango Man and whose eye-lashes and -lids are that thick with mascara and shadow, it could be anyone hiding beneath the war paint.

And, ladies, if you do use a professionally shot photograph, beware that it doesn’t look too contrived. It will convey the message that you and you alone are the most important thing in your life; if a shot looks too polished and you will attract no one if your image is too domineering or ma suggest ‘high maintenance’ from the outset.

Of course, the more up to date the better, but recent studies have shown that women’s photos tended to be from eighteen months ago, whilst men’s are half a year old. But keep them fresh. Remember, non-paying members may only have access to that one single profile picture and not your entire gallery. And singles, to entice them to sign up to dating sites, like an array of different images – your perfect partner may have passed over your image a dozen times but then homes in on a you taken from another angle!

There’s much more on site about dating site profiles if you put that term in the search box. More about profile creation, next.

Choosing the right dating site user name

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We continue with your quest to get up and dating, at least to get online dating in time for Valentine’s Day, even if getting any physical action this late in the day may be pushing a little. But, there are plenty of free dating sites out there that allow you to sort and browse singles by location, such as the one on our home page at dating.org.uk, so you may well get lucky.

So, just in time for the weekend, we’ll conclude today with three articles in brief that follow on from choosing the right dating site and what type of dating site membership is right for you.

In order to keep this as short and sweet as possible, today’s posts will be introductions, an overview, if you will; there are other articles on here that go into each topic in more detail, whereby there’ll be a hyperlink to relevant content within dating.org.uk for you to expand on these insights.

Choosing the right user id for your dating site

Each and every member on your dating site will have a unique user id or user name, which keeps their sign-in unique and allows you to find them and know who you’re getting mail from. You, likewise, have to choose your matchmaking moniker.

There is nothing inherently wrong with using your own name, but for security’s sake, you are strongly advised not to. If someone hacks the server of the dating site and gets hold of sections of information, you do not want to give them the last piece of the jigsaw by offering your real name on a plate. Also, if you have an abstract real name and you want to keep your dating site usage personal, i.e. not let anyone at work in on your secret, it is best to keep your real name out of the public domain as much as is humanely possible.

Also, there are some names that just do not work on dating sites, proven beyond doubt, in both hemispheres. In Europe, eDarling.de found that Dennis, Kevin, Chantal and Celina’s weren’t having their profiles browsed or e-mails opened as often and in New Zealand, Barry, Jacqueline and Angela came in for the same treatment on findsomeone.

Funny, as in subtle or witty, work quite well if you’re thinking of making up your user name; whereas funny as in corny (Ivor Biggun, for example) just does not, relating a childish sense of humour and that you’re not taking this dating lark altogether seriously. And those that lean towards smut, such as NineInchNigel will be given short shrift, likewise.

Not so much on the UK dating scene, but certainly in Europe, your name carries a lot of weight, as do the words in your profile. In the UK, the emphasis of your picture is relied on heavily and promoted as such on dating sites, whereas elsewhere its the words in your profile that pack the biggest punch.

More about your photo, up next.

If you just must have a date by the 14th, stay safe!

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Carrying on with our series on how to find a date online for Valentine’s Day, we start off today’s first of three articles – all short and sweet, but nonetheless equally valid – with a sort of: okay, if you must bit of advice.

If you are determined to find a date for Valentine’s Day, you’ve got to be sharpish about it. I’d even be as bold as to say, you’re best off ignoring all of the information about finding your perfect partner online for now and just have a quick fly around the free dating sites, as it’s so late in the day. I’d never normally recommend meeting up with someone you’ve only been talking to for so little time as a week and still don’t feel 100% about suggesting you do so now. But Valentine’s Day isn’t going to put itself back a good few weeks just because you’re not quite ready for it this year.

What I’d implore you to do, if you’ve got your heart set on meeting someone so soon after introducing yourself on whichever dating site it is you sign up to is try and do some background checking in the forums with the other members about the person who catches your eye. At this time of year, the forums should be flying with gossip, questions and member threads – if you’ve got a question, just ask it. If someone has an answer, they will get back to you; at this short notice, there are few other options open for cross-referencing any potential partner.

You’ll not have time to build up any sort of online relationship, so at least if you do manage to tie up your first date (firstly, very well done, you!) everything will be fresh when you meet them and you’ll be going in with a very open mind. For what you’re looking to achieve in the short term, this as good a way as any to really get into the swing of Internet dating, with no time to be held back by procrastination.

What I would strongly recommend for your lightning date is a facility here in the UK that runs in conjunction with the Post Office called Trusted Faces. It is the very first step in offering online dating security. It works very simply and I would urge you to get yourself across to their website, get registered and down to the local Post Office to complete your online passport. Look for someone else advertising theirs, swap tickets to double-check that your are both whom you claim to be and you’re good to go.

More coming up on when and how to pay for your membership

There may be two or three also-rans before you meet The One

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In the previous article we alluded to the fact that rushing a date is not the recommended way of going about online dating, but, with Valentine’s so close, there is little other option than to go for it. In reality, however, you may have to prepare yourself for the fact that this just might not happen in so short a time-span. Softly, softly catchee monkey, as the old saying goes, are the bywords for dating site success.

If you’ve ever been to a singles bar, you know that you may have to go countless times before you see anyone who you’d even consider sharing a cab home with, let alone any part of your mind or body. dating sites are similar in that aspect. Some sites charge a minimum of a three month subscription anyway but, if you’re serious about meeting the one, you’re best off taking out three months as a minimum term (read the next article about payment before you pay!).

You may get additional features for that level of commitment, but that’s not the real reason you should opt for three months as a minimum membership. As much as you want to find a date online, it’s unlikely that you’ll spend every hour of every night as soon as you’re back home from work browsing dating site profiles or chatting to singles in the forums. When are you going to fit Emmerdale in if you do?

More likely, you’ll start enthused and the first few nights you may well be on your dating site every night, granted. But you’ll be amazed at how quickly you filter out those who fall outside your requirements and, even for dating sites that boast millions of members, you may only find two or three potential dates who are a close enough match to your must have traits to warrant special attention.

People are creatures of habit and you’ll start to know when those people who you’d consider dating appear on the site and, other than at times when you genuinely have nothing better to do, will coincide your frequenting of the dating site with theirs. So, out of your three month package, you may only spend eight or twelve nights chatting to a prospective partner at best.

And, just because you’ve had the chance to vet your partner before meeting them doesn’t equate to a perfect match offline. You may have to get through a few dating site members (not physically, unless you want to earn a reputation) before you begin to see the results you hoped for when you first signed up and began your online dating journey.

paying for your dating site

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Although we have recommended paying for your dating site membership, there is one thing you really must look out for in the small print before you hit the ‘submit’ button with your credit or debit card information. A lot – and we’re talking most of the dating sites, other than those who sit right at the top of the online dating tree – put a ‘roll-over’ clause in their contract.

It is a little bit sneaky and perhaps even immoral but they do write it in the small print so they are covered legally for doing it, but a lot of dating sites state that they will continue to collect your subscription, whichever period you sign up for, without your prior consent. There will be a one-liner that states ‘by pressing submit you agree that you’ve read and digested all of the t’s & c’s’.

In said terms and conditions it will state that you give the dating site the right to take the money from your account ‘in perpetuity’ . Basically, forever. That sounds daunting but, apart from cancelling the bank account from whence your dating site membership fee comes there are two other ways you can get around this sneaky little way of screwing you for a few quid every month, one more advisable than the other.

The best way for you is, once you submit your details, there is a cooling off period. Don’t wait for that period to come to an end, do this straight away. In your account profile there will be a payment settings. Go straight in and cancel the contract. You will still get the time you paid for on your dating site, but not the headache of having to approach your credit card company when you want to leave to make the dating site stop taking your oney by the credit company imposing a charge greater than the sum of your membership fee, after you’ve told the dating site in question in writing that you wish to cancel your account, which is the second rather messy way of doing things.

This may not apply on the high-end dating sites whose membership, paying in excess of $1,000/month, and normally paying for a year’s subscription in one go, are usually afforded the decency of not being subjected to this sneaky little clause.

With so much competition, you’d hope that the odd one or two would break the mould in an attempt for the other dating sites to follow suit, but this rarely happens.

That’s about it on choosing your dating site; tomorrow, we’ll start taking a look at your profile and what we can do to entice your potential dating partners.

Learn to love ‘copy and paste’ for your dating site profiles

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One of the things that you soon get to learn about paid dating sites is that the information they ask you for at sign up can be a lot more than you’ve been used to filling in on the free dating sites. This is even moreso the case when you join a matchmaking site – those that compare your personal information with its other membership and, based on a scientific algorithm or other compatibility method, will pair you up with whom ever their calculations see fit.

A quick word, here. You may have read about dating sites that employ relationship experts and dating coaches. These are very real and are growing in popularity for the lovelorn single who’s working hard building up their nest-egg and doesn’t necessarily have time to do all the searching themselves for a date, but has the money to pay someone else, namely your dating coach, to do the groundwork on their behalf.

If you have the cash to hand to accommodate this facility, then great, but we’re talking serious wedge for that personal touch where you get a one-on-one session with the site’s resident expert. It does take the algorithmic guesswork out of the equation, as they will have spoken to all of the members on their dating site in the same confidential manner. We’ll discuss those at then end of the week, but if you want to find out a little more in the meantime, just enter ‘relationship experts‘ in the onsite search facility on the home page and it will bring up all the relevant articles on our site out of the 200+ posts, to date.

Going back to the Mental note article, this is where you need your notepad that you wrote down all of the good stuff from the other members’ profiles you browsed, earlier. Only this time, re-write your profile based on the key issues that define you in your word processing software (MS Word, notepad, roughdraft, NoteTab, etc.) and save the file somewhere you can access it easily. Also, you can set your browser to remember your ‘autofill‘ information – this will save a lot of time when filling out the basics of your membership application. But never store your card payment details – most browsers allow you to deselect that information when indicating what you want storing in your cache.

You can then copy and paste this information for every dating site you sign up to. Every site has a theme, so you may just need to tweak the odd word or ten, but it’s better than writing 1,000 words every time you sign up to a new dating site. Okay, that’s it for today. Back tomorrow with more about dating sites and what you need to know to get you that date for Valentine’s Day!

Mental note: what stands out in their dating site profile?

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As we touched on in yesterday’s articles, one of the very real downsides of free dating is the fraudulent aspect of dating site profiles that are scam artists looking to put a wedge between you and your wallet. Paid dating sites present stumbling blocks that will keep the opportunist scammer at bay. The more hurdles a dating site places in the way, the less inclined any one other than genuine love-seekers are to jump them. The obvious downside to that is, as you’re starting out online dating, do you really want the headache of filling in form after form, profile after profile?

Well, here’s a tip that you can implement before you start filling in any dating site profiles. Take a notepad (the offline kind – real paper and pencil [yeah, I know - shock, horror! - actually write?!?!?]) and, as you’re browsing, start making notes about all of the things that really stand out about other members’ posted information that either makes you step back, smile or shudder. If you’re having that reaction, you can bet so will many others who view your profile.

Online dating is all about selling yourself, one-upmanship over the competition. Don’t try to be someone else – you’ll soon be found out by the older hands – but learn to emphasise your good points. More about that when we look at dating site profiles in more depth.

Besides that, even though you may think you have a better chance of attracting a higher class of dating prospect, if you exaggerate too much, one of two things will happen.

First, your date could be a great success, but the person with whom you’ve connected may be looking for the persona you’ve created, not the real you. Down the line, you both may become disheartened with the relationship and back at square one, all your time and money wasted.

Or secondly, the date could be a disaster. Dating sites have chatrooms and e-mail; any faux pas or outright lies that you tell can be all around your site before you’ve even put the key back in your front door, if your unsatisfied partner has done their duty by the other members and shown you up for what you really are: a charlatan and a fraud!

Paid membership dating sites help screen you from scams

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Yesterday we looked at the benefits and down sides of choosing a free dating site to get you a date in time for Valentine’s Day. Today, we’ll continue looking at which dating site is right for you by looking at the two main types of paid online dating facilities.

There’s an old adage: there’s no such thing as a free lunch. I’m yet to meet anyone in a business sense that’s proved that theory wrong. Even if you think your dating site is free, someone somewhere will be making a buck out of you down the line, even if it’s just on their PPC (pay per click) advertising that runs alongside the ‘portfolios you can check out for free’ from another, more well-known dating site,your free dating site webmaster will be earning off your presence, even moreso if you buy a product such as an online dating guide that they’re an affiliate for.

With paid dating sites, you get little or no advertising from the more reputable brands. However, some are more equal than others and the only way you’ll ever really find out which paid service definitively suits your needs is by signing up to them. But we hope to outline a few benefits int the following articles that will help you differentiate which ones are worth throwing a few bob at if you’re serious about finding a compatible partner online.

The keyword in paid online dating membership is the word ‘paid’. You have to place a value, per month, on what you feel is worth paying to find your perfect partner online. There tends to be a bit of a jump from zip to around the £15-£30/month mark. You may soon find that, although free sites are good for a giggle, the advertising does get infuriating after a while. More of that than profiles.

Be realistic about what you can afford. If you push the boat out for a £50/month membership, bearing in mind that many dating sites may only offer you a subscription in blocks of three, six or twelve months, are you going to leave yourself short? The last thing you need, come Valentine’s Day, is that you’ve connected with a potential partner online, but you’ve blew all of your dating money on the membership fee to meet them in the first place! By setting a fee that you’re comfortable with, you will already have started to narrow down the search for potential Internet dating sites that you’ll end up signing up to.

The common downsides of the free online dating service

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There are one or two things you should watch out for if you opt for a free dating site, which make their money mainly through advertising. There is often little left in the pot to stretch to on-site security and vetting of sign-up members as a direct result. You should never give out any sensitive information on dating sites, anyway, but on free platforms this goes double as the person to whom you’re chatting may not have been checked out at all. Things are getting better, but until there is a uniform minimum level of dating site security, it’s better to be safe than sorry.

Another ingenious way a few free dating site webmasters have found to top up their income (these are the exception, not the rule, we believe) is by selling their ‘list’. That list being anyone who has signed up for their dating site since they started up or as long as they can legally hold on to that information. If they’re immoral enough to sell their list, it is also likely they’ll plead ignorance to any charges of holding on to your data past the legal time limit.

This may be of little consequence to you now but, in a few years time when you’re perhaps with a partner who was unaware of your dating site history, it may cause a whole load of hassle between you and your partner when you start getting bombarded with e-mails asking if you’re still ‘up for a one-night stand’, or whatever you disclosed to the site in the past.

And if you’re looking for long term relationships based on in-depth compatibility studies, you’re best off looking to upgrade to a paid matchmaking service who have gained their brand and reputation by being able to deliver whatever it is you’re looking for (there are different horses for different courses). You may only encounter people who are only using the free service for a bit of fling, chat or giggle and not in it for a serious, long term commitment, so it’s best to be aware of the site’s inclinations before you expend time and energy on a lost cause from the outset.

So, in a nutshell – free dating’s great for learning the ropes and a quick scout of who’s dating in your area, but not exactly secure and populated, in the main, by youngsters getting the hang of online dating and perhaps not into relationships seriously enough to go the extra mile and stump up a few quid to find a partner online with whom they’re truly matched.

Where to start your search for your Valentine date

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With one eye on Valentine’s day, little over a week away, many people who’ve cast off their partner who sufficed over Christmas will very shortly be turning to their dating sites to find that special someone with whom they can spend the most romantic day of they year.

Heck, the run-up to February the 14th is one of the busiest times of the year for the online dating industry come what may. More people, desperate to find love online to be their Valentine take the bull by the horns and give this ‘dating online malarkey’ that everyone else is raving about a try for the very first time. This year is expected to be no different. With the economy showing no signs of improvement, the value of the cards and gifts is not going to be the deal breaker; it will be the sentiment of just having someone there who you can call your Valentine that will count for the most.

In anticipation of hundreds, nay thousands, of online dating newbies, we thought it prim and proper here at dating.org.uk to lend a hand to those who perhaps have never walked through the thousands of galleries of prospective partners awaiting them on dating sites the world over and help those new to Internet dating to find that special someone just in time for the big day.

So, without further ado, we’ll dedicate today’s dating site news in its entirety to those new to the concept of finding the perfect partner online with a top ten list of tips, guides and advice to ensure that you don’t leave disappointed after your first visit here.

Firstly, you have to be totally honest with yourself about what you’re looking for before you can boldly go where (millions of) newbies have gone before. Dating sites are different, catering for the plethora of possibilities that people want in a partner. Whether you’re a rock-chick looking for a metal-head so that you bike off into the sunset together or if you’re looking for a same-sex partner either out of curiosity or for a long term relationship or even if you just want someone for a quick fling and a bit of adult dating fun over the Valentine’s weekend there will be a dating site that caters for you. And there will be others that cater for love you didn’t even think could exist in any human form and will have you saying ‘No….’ if you’re unfortunate enough to stumble upon such a site/sight (take your pick), before you even start contemplating whether it’s legal, or not.

More up next about what dating sites there are out there and what to do when you ge there in: Okay – found a dating site. What next?

Okay – found a dating site. What next?

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One of the key deciding factors about the dating site you choose is if it’s a facility that allows you to do a local search. Most, even the free dating sites (a word about them later), have give you the option to locate a prospective partner within easy reach. It’s no use falling in love with someone from Adelaide in time for Valentine’s Day. Even if you can stretch to the cost of the flight, getting the time off work and even booking a flight so late in the day may be an issue to get you there in a week.

In all honesty, we would not advise jetting off half way around the world to meet someone you’ve only known for a few days chatting on a dating site anyway, purely because of the risk factor involved and the danger you may be unwittingly putting yourself in. You will soon learn, either by using your dating site directly, from the forums or via the bounteous knowledge we have posted on dating.org.uk under the tag online dating security that not everyone you meet online is in fact who they say they are

How serious are you about dating online?

There are, in essence, three main types of dating site, with regard to cost. There are free dating sites, mainstream paid dating sites and high-end dating sites, whereby as long as you have the money, your dating site will do everything apart from actually go on the date for you.

We’ll conclude today’s articles with a look at free online dating, it’s positives and negatives and then take a peep at the two types that you’d need to shell out for tomorrow: Should I pay to find my love online?

Free dating sites are great for getting to know the ropes, availing yourself of the types of facilities that you’d expect to find to help you find your Valentine’s Day date online for zero cost. If you’re only looking for a partner for a special occasion and you’re not a paid member of any other dating facility (or the one you’re on is not cutting the mustard), then these sites can be your get-out-of-jail-free card.

Many paid dating sites also have a free section, where you can check out the calibre of their membership (you may only get access to one photo at this level, though), perhaps who’s in your area and, quite obviously, they’ll show you just enough of their website to entice you to put your hand in your pocket and pay for the upgraded facility.

The pitfalls of free dating up next: The common downsides of the free online dating service

“J” reveals his “friend’s” lucky escape Chinese dating

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[from "J"...]

We continue the tale of J’s “friend” – he must have been a very close “friend” due to the passion, somewhat toned down here, which punctuated the original fable, the moral of which is categorically: do not give your password to anyone you meet whilst online dating…

Not long after “J” and his Chinese beau agreed to go steady in a purely cyberspace capacity, the Chinese lady gave J her password as a sign of trust that they were truly going exclusive (although they’d never met) and he felt pressured into doing the same.

To cut a long, long story short, he did, and it wasn’t long before “J” was being reproached via text and phone calls because of the comments he’d made and approaches he’d received from other members on the dating site before he’d entered into this serious online relationship. Then, much to his bemusement, further scoldings started coming from other Chinese ladies who he’d been speaking to before he’d gone exclusive.

It transpires that the quiet, demure Asian girl he’d started ‘seeing’ had turned into a fire-breathing dragon and was flaming all of his other contacts on the dating site. In order that he couldn’t get in touch with anyone else, said new Chinese dating partner overrode the password he’d given her in good faith with the devout intention of cutting him off from everyone else on the website.

Needless to say, it took a lot of sucking up to the webmaster and his contacts to get back in on the dating site, and that he pretty sharply ended the virtual relationship before his reputation went viral, but this does serve as a warning to the information you give out on dating sites about yourself. The simple summary is: don’t! Never give your credit card details, passwords or any other sensitive information that could be turned against you. What seems sweet one minute can turn sour very quickly if you don’t keep its sugar levels up.

“J” was lucky it was only his online dating persona that his Chinese girlfriend went about ruining. It could have been anyone behind that dating profile, lulling “J” in with flattery, pressurising him to part with information that he probably knew he shouldn’t. Paid dating sites store payment information, bank details – it’s just not worth the risk: keep your private information safe, at all times.

Valentine’s Day – is anyone that bothered, this year?

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The fourteenth of February is rapidly approaching. If the date’s not ringing any sudden bells and you’re in a relationship, either offline in the real world or with a virtual partner in an online dating capacity, you may want to check what next Tuesday stands for. This may save you picking up an earful down your handset, your private message inbox going quiet for a few days or letting a potential partner down most terribly, on the most romantic day of the year. But, to be honest, from what I’ve read so far online this year, no one in dating land is looking forward to Feb 14 at all. Is this usual?

This is my first year writing in online dating land; I truly expected to find articles galore embedded with 22-font (or foot) bold pink text, love hearts and fluffy bunnies bordering every page of every blog and dating site, but that’s just not the case.

Does Valentine’s Day really hold such dread for singletons that the only people to comment on the occasion are those harping on about how they cannot see the point of declaring their undying love for someone special on one day when true love should flourish in a relationship every day, from the minute one half of a couple awakens until they both curl up and go to sleep all cuddly together every single night for the rest of their lives?

If that’s the common belief of how long term relationships work, held by those looking to spark perhaps their first serious time around the block via their dating site platform, I’d suggest notching up a few short term relationships first if it’s that feeling you’re looking for. Make the most of that ‘loved-up’ emotion, getting plenty of Valentine’s Day gifts and looking forward to buying them instead of agonising over the ‘what to get this time?’ question that comes with being with someone for fourteen and a half years…and certainly don’t take down the old dating site membership, just yet.

In my personal experience, I have to go with the flow – Valentine’s Day works great for those just starting out on their first real relationship or if it’s early days in a new partnership. But if you’re single with little prospect of hooking up with someone from the office, bar or dating site, or if you’re married or living with someone who you’ve been seeing for as long as you care to remember, it does all seem like a lot of effort (and expense, keeping card shops, florists and chocolatiers in business) for the reward.

Still, there’s over a week left, folks. Try something new, join our dating site – your perfect partner could be waiting online for you, now, big fluffy bunny, box of All Gold and soppy, 22-foot card waiting to be posted. It may be the year that Valentine’s Day does kickstart your love life. What are you waiting for? With all my love xxx ????

“J” reveals his “friend’s” experience Chinese dating

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The following article (in two parts) is a lesson to anyone who ever gets tempted to share their personal information with someone they think they know on their dating site, but obviously not as well as they thought…

After dating women of the west, extending your catchment area to capture ladies from a little further to the East (well, the other side of the world, really), spending time on your dating site with women of Chinese origin can be an uplifting experience.

There is an element of a Chinese woman’s make up that is demure on the outside, but belies cunning intelligence beneath that gracious exterior. Self-possessed of dignity and charm, personality traits that cannot be taught beyond a certain age, it seems that there’s nothing they’ll not do to please you.

Not necessarily in a sexual way but everything about their demeanour aims to please to the extent that if they cause you offense, they will be beside themselves until you accept their most gracious and numerable apologies. Because of this inhibited nature, this will not come across in any dating site profile; you will only ever discover these hidden qualities by taking the time out to get to know the lady of Oriental persuasion in person.

However, I have recently come across one lad, who calls himself J who had whose friend had a problem whilst he was on a Chinese dating site. For the purpose of this tale of woe, we will call the victim “J”, okay with you?

After spending some time on a Chinese dating site, presumably having had little success elsewhere, reading between the lines, “J” could not believe the amount of positive responses he was getting from a whole hare-em of Asian lovelies. He was so enamoured by one of the single Chinese ladies to whom he was spending a fair amount of his online dating time that, after she implored him to go exclusive on the dating site (you can sort of see a flaw coming there, can’t you? Anyway…), he agreed. [read more]

Valentine’s day spam just over a week away

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So, I was looking online for something romantic to write about Valentine’s Day. One of the biggest days in any year for card shops, chocolatiers, florists and online dating sites. The problem is, when you have sent as many as I have done over the years, it all gets a bit old hat. But, just because I could give Clintons staff a healthy wedge of commission from the hopeful cards I’ve sent in the past doesn’t mean that Valentine’s Day shouldn’t be a new and enjoyable experience for everyone else out there in dating land.

Instead of all of the insights into true romance that I was expecting to stumble across, I, quite happily, found many other singles who were wary of the occasion as much as I. Not due to the expense. Although there is a view that the day, whereby you can carte blanche spam as many people as you wouldn’t mind licking their sticky bit as you know with e-mails not-so cunningly disguised with this message on your dating site, is nothing more than a money spinner for the novelty gift and card shop enterprises between Christmas and Easter.

St Patrick’s Day, now, is popping up as a timely intervention to combat slow sales as Easter seems to get later and later in April every year. Do you think it’s somehow coy to send an Irishman a card with a drunken Leprechaun holding a pint of Guinness to help them celebrate their Saint’s day? As much appreciated as the spam dating site e-mails. So think again!

But back to the point – the dread of being single on the most romantic day of the year. Although that title is now being challenged by Boxing Day as dating sites see more sign ups immediately after Christmas than almost any other time of the year. The message I’m getting from those who are blogging about their dating status is: don’t send me a card – I’m single, loving it, and if I want to date I have a dating site membership and I can find my own partner – when I want one!. Okay, there may be an element of building brick walls as a reaction to perhaps being dumped now that Christmas and New Year are out the way, but many singles genuinely are enjoying being just that, for now, single.

The most interesting article I found on the subject was a young lady’s account, alikening singledom with leprosy. So, next up, a condensed version for all of you out there who are thinking of bombarding everyone you like the look of your dating site with unsolicited e-mail next week. You may get a response, but it sure won’t be the one you’re looking for.

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Being single is not a contageous disease

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So, yeah. This girl was sick of being treated like a social leper just because she’d been dumped after Christmas. It’s not the best time to be without someone, Valentine’s Day, but that’s only if you’re constantly reminded about the fact that you are single and not dating. All of the friends you’ve been sociable with recently as part of a couple are finding your company hard to deal with when you turn up without a significant other on your arm.

It’s not like you’ve lost your wallet or your purse, is it? If you go for a meal sans beau, it’s not like you’re going to do a runner just because you’ve only got one bill to pay for. Okay, you may have to dip into your purse a little further than the rest of the party as you’ve had no one nagging you along the lines of ‘Don’t you think you’ve had enough, dear?’, but if that’s the only price, you can live with it. And so should they. But they can’t, and that’s the real issue.

The subject of your being single can be the elephant in the room, sitting in the seat opposite you where, up until recently, sat your partner. You can almost hear your girlfriend kick her fella as he’s about to ask you if you’ve had any luck on your dating site? or have you heard from ‘x’ since the split?...
…where x is the ex, obviously.

As well as your friend may have batted your corner for you over dinner from the ignorami, you know deep down that’s because she wants to check out the health and temperament of your dating welfare herself, when the two of you are on your own. It may be that you all met on your dating site and she’s itching to tell you about the guy she’s been chatting to on your behalf or, worse (if the friendship’s only recent), she could want to introduce you to a guy she had a lot of fun dating…
…which then begs the question: why aren’t you still with him, then?

However, you do tend to find that a bathroom stall apart is as close as your dating friends want to get. Remember, this is leprosy and it spreads. Your happy-couple friends do not want to catch what you’ve got, no sirree!

And so it comes as no great surprise that, as the coats go on and your coupley friends are all heading back to one of their homes to talk ‘people-in-love-with-each-other’ talk, your best buddy asks what time your taxi home’s booked for…
…you make one last excuse to nip to the powder room and order that cab either screaming or crying, it could go either way.

Being a singleton is not a disease, but only to other singletons. To anyone in a relationship you are unclean. This Valentine’s Day, if you can’t meet up with someone off your dating site between now and then, remember to pop a bell around your neck, just to let everyone know you’re comin’! And how…

Seniors dating experience is no anti-climax

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Following on from yesterday’s insights into how US dating singles are previewing the year and their hopes and aspirations for a better 2012, certainly as far as finding their perfect partner online goes, we continue today by looking into the physical aspects of dating. Yesterday’s emotions were a bit of an eye-opener, based on those recent Match.com survey results, and there are a few surprises to be had today, too.

If I was to ask you, given that the difference is a whole twenty points: “Of the singles who took part in the survey, which of the two sexes would you think favoured moving in together within a year after meeting their partner on a dating site? “, what would your answer be? I’ll give you a clue – it wasn’t women!

It’s true. The theme from yesterday’s articles continues, proving that men are no longer afraid of the ‘c’ word. Almost half of the men said it would be good to start cohabiting in less than 12 months (46%) compared to a smidge over a quarter of the women who believed the same (26%).

And it seems that traditions are washing away as the new generation of love seekers replaces the old. Rather than hang their hat on social traditions, people are much more comfortable dating individuals who can satisfy their need for love and to love somebody, irrespective of ethnic or religious background (11%).

Marriage is also less of a prerequisite for the basis of a new relationship, with only 23% confirming that the ceremony was a necessary aspect to start dating someone. Children were even less of a concern, with only 26% of singles saying that planning offspring had to be a compatibility issue before they’d initiate proceedings on their dating site. Rather, confidence and trust are the ways forward for attracting your next date, with a whopping 93% of singles saying that this was of vital importance.

However, there is one aspect that, based on the dating site results, only gets better with age, like a full-bodied wine that’s been left unscrewed for too long. Yep, that’s a good old orgasm. It’s absolutely true. The Baby-Boomers did not get their reputation without good reason; the over sixties have the greatest success rate of reaching climax an amazing 91-100% of the time. That must be down to the partners they choose as senior singles are the largest group to demand romance and sexual attraction as a must in their new dating site partner.

Your handset says a lot about your dating habits – too much!

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Guys and girls, it’s looking as if Android users are the app-friendly handset using equivalent of the Free Love movement of the late sixties, based on the results of the survey published in the last article, “Your handset says a lot about your dating habits – a lot!“, and this one just nails it: if you’re at a party and your stuck for a date, check out those with an Android device as 55%, again the highest percentage polled, stated that they would go for a one-night stand.

Now judge this aspect for yourselves, because it could be read two ways. When questioned about drinking when dating, an impressive 72% of Blackberry users said that they most certainly did. Another 67% of them have undying faith in love at first sight. Both ratings highest in their section. Now, does the alcohol make them see prospective partners with rose-tinted glasses when laying their eyes on their date for the first time? If so, are they looking for a long term relationship from the off, hence less likely to jump straight in the sack with them? Or do they just get so wasted they cannot remember whether they’ve actually gone all the way, or not? Mmm, tough call.

iPhones must be the choice of the professional, as they topped the ‘office romance‘ poll, with a quarter of them saying they’d seen someone from work at some point in the last five years. They are also most likely to keep their appointment to call you back after dating for the first time, whereas the other two device users would keep you waiting until you’d been out a few times before they thought it acceptable to see how their dating partner was doing between liaisons.

So, what does that say in a nutshell? If you want to a straight forward adult-dating type of liaison, straight in at the deep end, check out who’s carrying an Android. If you want to go out to have a great laugh and sink a few beers but risk your long term single life see who’s on the BBM network. And if you like things prim and proper and an almost officious relationship, the iPhone carrier’s the one for you. My wife’s got a HTC Wildfire – should I be worried, do you think?

Your handset says a lot about your dating habits – a lot!

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With the amount of dating sites that now support an application-based version of their service, you may have guessed it wouldn’t be long before one of the big boys in the dating industry looked at how different members use their service on their mobile devices.

If you are familiar with the dating site industry at all, you may also have surmised that it would be Match.com who conducted that survey. Which brings up another interesting point about the highest-ranking dating sites, which we may get the chance to look at over the weekend, depending on what comes out of Miami between now and tomorrow. Anyway, so they did, using Canada as the soundboard for this particular little market research exercise.

Using Zoomerang to conduct the poll to avoid any bias towards the results, the mainstream dating site sampled over 1,000 smartphone users, not necessarily to see how they were using the service, but to try to gauge the dating profiles of users. In order to see if the type of device the singles used indicated any pattern in dating, there were some very tailored questions which did highlight peaks and troughs in enough detail to publish the following results.

Whichever type of handset was your first date‘s preference, you would have to count yourself unlucky if you ended the night without getting a piece of the action, it seems. Android users topped the ‘sex on a first date’ category, with 62% admitted to going all the way first time around, followed closely by 57% of iPhone users who polled a similarly equally lax attitude. However, less than half of Blackberry users went for it straight out of the traps with only 48% saying they’d scored on a first date.

Blackberry users continued to be the most reserved when it came to online dating, with exactly half of them saying they were active dating site users. Again, Android users topped the section with an amazing 72% of users admitting they were regular users of this type of facility and iPhoners were again middle of the road with 58% availing themselves of dating site platforms.

iPhone users and those on the BBM network did top some the aspects of dating; find out what you should be looking out for in a handset when you’re at the next house- or office-party; all revealed in “Your handset says a lot about your dating habits – too much!“, up next.

A survey of US dating singles reveals their outlook for 2012

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Here in the UK, we have this impression that everything in the US is bigger and better than on this side of The Pond. Thanks to a survey of 5,000 of its singles by Match.com, we’re about to find if their online dating scene is vastly different to our own or remarkably similar.

The survey, launched to gauge the temperament and outlook of its US dating membership for the year ahead, is typically vociferous of the American public, airing their thoughts on politics, relationships, sex, love and, of course, online dating.

The questions ranged from liberal to conservative and being as intimate as to enquire about the participants’ current sexual proclivity to what are the absolute killers when it comes to deciding whether on online relationship is worth doing or dumping.

The first thing that is fundamentally different between the singles in the US and in this country is that political affiliation really counts for something. It is almost as if the US maxim of The Land of the Free is truly in-ground into its singles citizenship – as if everyone with an opinion truly believes they can make a difference; compare that with the level of indifference exhibited by the youth of the UK and it underlines why this study matters and what the British youth can learn from their peers on US dating sites.

The roll call for the contributors to the survey is, in the context of online dating, impressive to say the least. Some of the most recognised names from the world of dating site science were instrumental in both formulating the quiz and assessing the results from the 5,000 participants.

And rather than just posting the results and saying: that’s that, deal with it, each of the renowned dating site scientists will be opining their views on the elements relavent to their own field of study over the coming weeks.

In our next couple of articles, we’ll take a look at some of the surprising results that have been published and will follow up over the coming weeks with the dating site’s scientists views and assessments as they are published.

Surprising statistics about the US male single

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American men. Clint Eastwood, John Wayne, Bruce Willis. Solid, dependable, proper men. Where are their proteges?

Looking at the results of the latest dating site survey from Match.com, they’ve all gone west, by the look of things.

The men who took part in the latest questionnaire must have been all ‘modern’ man as the results attest to some traditionally feminine virtues shining through. Depending upon how you view your man’s role in a dating relationship will either have you cooing at the prospect or throwing up – I’m staying non-committal, just reporting the facts, yer-ronnah.

By the time the males had reached the tender age of 30, 58% of those participants had an undying faith in love at first sight and reckon on having had experience of just that and the accompanying emotional relationship. Compare this to just over half of the women saying the same thing, you would have to surmise the latter are either more pragmatic or leave the whole falling in love thing until a bit later on, when they have more of an idea of what they’re looking for, especially as many of that age group have grown up with dating sites. Perhaps the ladies used dating site platforms more in their adolescence and realised there were more fish in the sea whilst the guys were trying out for the football or baseball teams, who knows?

But this theme continues. A whole ten percent more of men believed it more acceptable to show their feelings in the street, with 41% open to snogging in public compared to the 31% female vote. This sort of ties in with the loneliness vote, too.

More than a quarter of men believed solitude to be a challenging element of the single life, compare to a mere 22% of women. However, loneliness overall was just shaded by the feminine vote with a third reporting it as either ‘somewhat’ or ‘very’ stressful, compared to the men of whom just 31% saw being alone as a real issue.

Perhaps the male leaning overall to the loneliness issue explains another finding that dispells one urban dating myth and that’s their fear of the ‘c’ word. Despite popular rumours, men are willing to commit to a partner who is everything they are looking for but feel no love towards (31% men, 23% women) and a similar theme to being able to commit without feeling a stirring in the groin to accompany their devotion, with 27% of men stating that they could commit to a partner they do not feel sexually attracted to compared with only 22% of women admitting the same.

Much more to come from the study tomorrow, where we’ll be looking at the physical aspects of dating and long-term relationships, such as living together, appearance, life goals and sexual orientation. Can hardly wait.

US dating site survey reveals partners politics matters

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Today we are looking into the results from the latest survey from Match.com. This one, of 5,000 of its dating membership, throws some interesting light on how politics affects the chances of US singles getting any action and some surprising insights into men’s feelings on subjects that are traditionally the domain of the female of the species.

The first of our articles gets right to the core of why singles in the US and the UK differ so much when it comes to dating. In the UK, we leave politics to the graduates and the unionists (those left, any way); in the US, it seems that everyone believes in their right to be heard, whether it be a single voice on a dating site or as part of a larger crowd on the steps of Congress.

All men are equal, except some are more equal than others

Staying faithful is seen as an absolute must for whoever is in residence at The White House, even more so than in a relationship with the average man or woman on the street. Of those surveyed, there were definite signs that fidelity is still a desired aspect of any relationship, with 62% of the male respondents saying it is imperative, whereas females registered much stronger opinions on the matter, with 8 out of 10 of them considering ‘forsaking all others’ as the foundation to a successful partnership.

However, it seems that all men are not created equally after all in the eyes of these particular US voters. Feelings ran a lot higher when it came to their country’s leadership with 87% of men stating that there was no justification for politicians at any level to stray outside the marital home with 91% of women seconding that emotion.

The politics of dating didn’t end there, with clear differences between the levels of bedroom activity for those following different political pathways, even within individual parties. Conservative Republicans proved that the sex doesn’t have to end when the honeymoon does, with 4 out of 10 reportedly ‘very satisfied’ with their married sex lives, the highest vote in that category. However, given the fact that they were the political group that had notched up the fewest knee-tremblers in the last year, you would have to say that some people are most certainly easily pleased. ‘Once a week on a Saturday night’ crowd do we think?

The singles of each of the main parties also are looking for very different things in their perfect partners. Liberal Democrats are actively seeking people who are very much on their own level – in sense of humour, an independent lifestyle and of equal social standing. On the other hand, Republicans are straight down the line – their partners must be of the ‘same background’ and same political allegiance, with marriage being the focus of their dating attention.

I wonder how many singles in the UK can even name all three main party leaders…? What do you mean, “You thought there were only two?” Saying nothing. x

Dating site scientists? You do the math.

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cont’d from: What makes your dating site tick?…

As the dust settles on the Miami iDate event, the first of three scheduled for 2012, the online dating industry’s top brass either go home to lick their wounds or pat themselves on the back after collecting yet another scoop of awards. Those who’ve lost out this time will have another chance to gain favour in the summer in Europe or back to the US again in fall as the US party season begins in earnest.

At a time when so much of their underbelly has been exposed, one full week in Miami at the end of January, the dating industry couldn’t have picked its moment better for the world’s media to find fault. And there was, reading between the lines from the first reports finding their way out of Florida, plenty of petty backstabbing and one-upmanship to be had, if you looked in the right places.

For any of the global dating site membership that actually care about the cogs behind the whole online dating process (which is probably not many, to be fair), they’ve only got a fortnight left to be annoyed at any of the dating sites before ‘all is forgiven’ when they land a date via their service for Valentines Day.

As well as the huge wads of cash that seem to be floating about from investors looking to get their claws into any promising new venture, the other most sought after possession from this year’s iDate Conference was: how does your algorithm work? For some dating sites, they are just not prepared to divulge what strings of x, y and z conditions must be met before a perfect match appears, as if by magic, after filling in their questionnaires. This has led to open floor criticism, questioning how some dating sites can claim scientific matches when there is no evidence available that there search criteria is based on any kind of formula.

Whereas other matchmaking site owners have been quite open and more or less stated that, even though research into vast ranges of questions to ask its dating site membership has been executed beforehand, it is the singles who actually find love on line themselves by the answers they give. There is no giant mainframe computer in the background banging, ticking and whirring like Deep Thought – a simple percentage match is your answer, then the rest is up to the single to pick from those closest, mathematically-derived results.

Much more to come on the fallout from iDate 2012, Miami as and when the reports hit the press; stay tuned for the specifics about your chosen dating site.

What makes your dating site tick?

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It’s very good timing, when you think about it, holding the iDate super conference at this time of the year. While most of us are still trying to figure how we’re going to do this year differently (after a month has passed us by, already) the powers that be in the world of online dating have had their first of three big pow-wows and thoughts are already turning to 2013, with most of this year’s news either in the pipeline or already done and dusted, it seems, even before we hit Valentine’s Day.

The first of many reports, insights, diagnostics and headlines are already in the editing rooms of the glossies, announcing victories for the best dating site for x, the matchmaking site to watch out for this year is y and the quickest way to get laid is on any one of these three dating sites at point z (or should that be G?).

Beneath all of that glamour and glitz lies the very real truth about dating sites and that those at the top of the pile are not all as loved up with each other as perhaps we were led to believe, going on cruises after the event with one another and toasting the dating industry’s success with a bottle of DP ’59 as they sail off into the sunset together.

Now that the industry is getting on for a global nett worth, according to one report, of $4bn, it has attracted bigger investors than ever before. Attitudes have changed in the business world as well as the real world and online dating is a very sound investment if you’re looking for somewhere to shift your oil and gas stocks to improve your pension realisation fund. And it’s starting to tell.

Not that the larger of the dating sites are short of a few bob. Free online dating service OkCupid was sold to Match.com last year for $90M. Folks – that’s a business that doesn’t charge its membership but relies on advertising for its revenue and it commanded $90M – staggering. Howaboutwe, the quick hook-up dating site that you can carry around on your android and be dating in minutes from wherever you are, has found a quick and easy $15M to fund its growth.

No, the real truth is, as the pie gets bigger, those who are elbow-deep in it already want to dive right in and shovel up as much of that filling as they can.

Read more [...]

Abba, gold tracksuits and the treadmill dancing queen

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cont’d from “Stop trudging the treadmill of dating…“

This is not just a flight of fancy, but this one girl at a gym I used to attend became, in her blissful ignorance, something of a figure of ridicule and goes to prove all the more why you shouldn’t wear earphones on the treadmill at the gym if you’re going there to possibly attract a date as well as tighten up those glutes and abs.

And, no, this not a boring lecture about health and safety and how she went careering off the end of the treadmill because she couldn’t hear us warning her to stop. Although, that would have been a lot less embarrasing for the young lady and would certainly have attracted a lot more male attention if that had happened, instead. No, it is more to do with the fact that a certain type of person can get lost in their music. I mean lost as in wrapped up in it completely.

If you’re only using the text facilities, i.e. e-mailing other singles or private messaging potential partners on your dating site whilst you’re at home, you can have your music on as loud as you want and no one will care a fig. Those to whom you’re chatting will never be any the wiser, although Axl Rose at maximum volume could fall outside of dating site ettiquette if you’re having a one-to-one web-cam date.

But having your music on loud on the treadmill is an awful idea because you can’t hear yourself, or you become totally unaware of the fact that, you’re singing your head off to Abba’s greatest hits. That gold tracksuit you’re wearing takes on a whole new meaning; any chance of a date from anyone other than that guy who looks like a seventies German porn star has gone completely out of the window along with your credibility.

Oh, the faces that girl used to pull as she was singing along; she was, I suppose, quite pretty, but used to get so into Benny, Bjorn and the girls that it did actually become quite scary. And, yes, after those little Monday night performances, faces were all she ever did pull, too.

So, by all means, take your music along with you if you plan on heavy sessions on one machine, but remember two things. Firstly, if you want to be in the least bit approachable by someone who could be a potential partner, only ever have one earpiece in at any given time. And secondly, make sure the volume is up only high enough so that it can be a slight distraction from the tediousness of the exercise, and not so that it drowns out all else as if you were having your own private concert in the bathroom at home – you are not Agnetha or Anni-Frid.

More dating tips on gym can and gym carna, up tomorrow.

Stop trudging the treadmill of dating and go work it out

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Happy February, everyone! Now that the first month of the year’s well and truly embedded and out of the way, how is 2012 going for you? Keeping up with all those resolutions you made at the end of 2011 – getting fitter and sorting your love life out? No, thought not.

Well, if trying to hold down both commitments is biting off more than you can chew, have you thought about combining them? Okay, the atmosphere’s a bit more hyped up at the gym than when you’re sitting at home with your pyjamas on browsing through the new dating site profiles, but this is like the real thing. You know, actually getting out there and meeting folk in a real environment – more like gym-jams, than PJ’s, eh?

Okay, it’s not for everyone, but if you do decide to give your dating site a miss for a while, here’s a quick rundown of things to keep you on track at your local sweatshop.

The treadmill, where most gym newbies are guided to in their introductory appraisal at the start of a new fitness regime, is, not to put too fine a point on it, boring as hell. Just trudging along, thirty-seven minutes and you finally see some activity on the LCD monitor as it flashes up under the calories lost marker: 002. Okay, that’s an exagerration, but because it is so laborious an exercise, most ‘athletes’ invest in a walkman set of earphones for their iPhone 4S to ease the tedium. Great to help pass the time – an absolute killer if you’re using your gym as a temporary alternative to your active dating platform.

Imagine, if your dating site profile had a great big palm facing outwards from it, saying: “Do not approach! Metallica playing!” How many people would wink you, then, eh?  Well that’s the message you’re sending out to any prospective partners by plugging both ears into your iPod.

And there’s an even more rock-solid reason why wearing earphones on a treadmill is a really bad idea if you’re into your corny, nostalgic disco and you do not want to put off finding a real life date at your gym coming up in the next article [...]

Dating expert heads up pre-Valentine’s media panel

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Los Angeles’ largest digital networking organisation association, Digital LA, is to invite a renowned online dating expert onto its Love Goes Digital panel on the eve of the most romantic day of the year. Julia Spira, celebrated author and regular talk-show panel guest on all things to do with love in cyberspace will join others on the discussion, to mull over the mechanics that have made her synonymous with the industry.

Digital LA, whose newsletter reaches an audience of 30,000 across the social media network, is an association for the digital media arts by the digital media arts, showcasing, through its regular panels and ‘mixers’, the very best in a respective niche to help those at the start-up end, giving those individuals and companies just getting their foot on the first rung of digital media ladder their very own moments to shine, too.

Julia is perhaps the ideal guest for this particular discussion as, not only does she hail from a whole host of industries prevalent within the media industry, but she also knows a thing or two about using the new platform to her own advantage, as she has done so successfully in the past, using the Internet to promote and make a best seller of her book: The Perils of Cyber-Dating, a retrospective detailing the romance of the ever-hopeful quest for ‘The One’ using online dating.

The founder of Digital LA, Kevin Winston, was very clear about what the discussion was set to achieve and why the panelists chosen were the perfect vessel to carry their message off. Within the world of online dating, there are ‘capitals’ – cities whose off-line dating influences have helped shape the way dating sites have grown and become platforms to be embraced, rather than feared, as was once the case. LA is just one of those cities and to have so many experts in the field gathered together on the eve of such an important day in the romantic calendar is testament to its legendary status, along with New York (in this humble writer’s opinion, the global capital of online dating) and London.

Spira’s place on the panel is more than justified; with a nominated blog, best-selling book, a coaching track record in online dating hardly rivalled and now a recently completed screenplay, she is perhaps the best example of a cog that works well between the two subjects of online dating and digital media. Should make for an interesting show.

Falling in love and following up on first dates – when’s ok?

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Okay, so you’ve read and digested everything there is to know about how you should attract, achieve and behave on a first date and it’s paid dividends (see tag #datingguruuk if you need a recap). The night has gone perfectly, you’ve not embarrassed yourself or your online dating partner (now your offline beau) and there were several hints that you both wanted to see each other again. Fantastic – you can’t beat a bit of bully, can you?

You’ve done the ‘text me when you get home safely’ bit, if you’ve not dropped them off or got them a cab back home (if not, why not!?) and you can go to sleep easy – if you can drop down off cloud nine to actually get into bed, obviously. But when’s the best time to follow up? Should you be on their case first thing the next morning? Is leaving it the traditional three days too long, given how hyper-connected we are, both socially and with our love lives?

For those of you old enough to remember a time before e-mail, mobile phones and online dating, the ideal grace period was three days. That was, of course, when homes only had one telephone, a man came around to light your gas lamps, you used to have a bath in front of the fireplace on a Sunday night whether you needed one or not and it didn’t half get cold on the WC in winter when you had to go in the outhouse.

I can categorically tell you that, based on one dating site’s survey earlier in the year, the ideal follow-up time is now one and a half days and not the traditional three, from when the height of social media activity was a party-line phone shared by one and all in different flats in the same block.

Don’t be overly keen – give them chance to breathe, but don’t take too long, making them think you’re not into them. If you’ve been out Friday night, then Sunday dinnertime’s the perfect time to see if the second date is still on the cards.

And talking of overly keen – one last tip for would be offline daters, if you’ve only just progressed from the online dating scenario. Do not rush your opposite number into a relationship they may not be ready for, for a whole host of reasons (remember, they’ll tell you why in good time).

Nothing is scarier than someone developing an all-enveloping crush on you after you’ve only met once or twice and there is little else I can think of more likely to put someone off meeting you again than a relatively new love interest constantly mithering you that you should.

As we aspired to in the first #datingguruuk article this week, love is like a flower and will blossom naturally given the correct bedding and by allowing it to bask in the sunshine. Smothering someone will crush any desire they have to be with you. Let them breathe and give them time to respond – you will only come across as desperate if you keep texting and leaving voice-mails and pm’s on your dating site!

So that’s that – we’ve come full circle in this mini-series designed to help out us poor Brits who are crap at UK dating! And all this advice, you could have paid through the nose for from a relationship expert in EST, USA. And we’ve given it you free – aren’t we just the best!?

Here’s looking forward to your company in February; I’ll let you know where to send my card to. Love always, dating.org.uk.

First dates – keep the personal stuff to a minimum

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There is a world of difference on your first date between letting your date know a little bit about you and you either giving them your life history or being that pleased with your achievements that you come across as boastful.

Money is a great thing to have but there are better ways of letting someone you’ve met on a dating site know about it other than by reeling off a list of what you bought with your ‘spare change’ or by actually dropping into the conversation your latest bonus or pay-rise. Sure, that’s the kind of stuff you need to be honest and open about when you’re in a long-term commitment together, but not the kind of subject you want to be discussing at a first date. If you’ve got class, it will shine through in your actions and personality; you won’t have to tell your date about it – they’ll work that one out.

And another slip-up that many singles often make when it’s their first time out with someone they’ve met through a dating site is asking how come the other’s unattached. If they want to discuss that (other than with someone whom they’ve developed a deep relationship), they’ll have mentioned the reason they’re single on their dating site profile or during private communication. If you have to ask, you’ve either not been paying them close enough attention or they’re not ready to talk about it with someone who they hardly know. Leave the subject of past relationships – even if you are totally stuck for anything else to say on your early dates – until your partner starts to open up about them.

Likewise, they will definitely not want to hear in too much detail about everyone you’ve ever snogged the face off. Please, try and remember, dating in the early stages is about getting to know your new partner – past relationships are just that: past. The clue’s in the question, folks.

As well as overwhelming questions, there is also the possibility of rushing the physical aspect of a new relationship. No matter who it is, no matter how good looking he/she is and how much they implore you for a little first date physicality, say no.

Unless, of course, the object of the date is purely on the pre-determined understanding that you’re just meeting up for an ‘online dating friends with benefits’ type of arrangement, of course. It has been known to happen but, generally speaking, if all someone wants is adult dating, they will head towards a dating site that specialises in quickie dates or one-off intimate liaisons; it is not the done thing on a first date with a member from one of the mainstream dating sites.

There is more about that aspect in our first date tips for him, for her and for the two of you series, if you need further clarification as to why that type of activity is not the best basis for a long-term relationship.

So, one more article to go for January from the #datingguruuk series, then we’re into the month of lurve…February!

The first date – about me and you, not me and me

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The whole purpose of a first date is to get to know the person you envisage may be your next partner. Whether you’ve met on your dating site or been introduced matters little; the rules for dating offline remain the same.

If you turn up to your date and all you do is talk all night (it can only really be about yourself as you know very little about your dating partner, only what you’ve been privvy to in private messages or from within the confines of the online dating platform upon which you’ve met), you will learn nothing about your partner. If you know nothing about them, how can you judge in retrospect whether you want to see them again?

To be honest, that decision may no longer be in your hands. If all you’ve done is relate tales of your own life, however fascinating it is to you, the chances are your partner zoned out at some point and you won’t be hearing from them again, anyway.

If you know you beforehand that you are the sort of person who rambles when they get nervous and you’ve had the jitters all day long, the first thing you need to do when you meet up with your date is tell them. Be honest from the off – think of a keyword that you can tell them to use when you do start to go off on one and explain why. If you mention to your date that you’ve been anxious about hooking up all day, it may serve to settle their nerves, too.

But don’t leave it all to them – if you notice you are talking about yourself too much, try to reign in your focus and concentrate on your date, the purpose of your mission!

However, it is important to get the balance right. Don’t clam up on purpose – if you have something to say, say it, but give your potential partner the opportunity to respond and listen to what they have to say. Otherwise, the whole affair will have been a pointless exercise. You may even come across as being arrogant, if you show that you’re choosing not to respond to something they’ve interjected.

You do not want your date leaving with the impression that you only commented on topics that you started or worse, that you seemed to have no interest in what they seemed passionate about, whatsoever.  Whether you are or not, you risk coming across as extremely self-centred.

This is also a danger if you you go on and on about your life and express no interest in theirs. It can be tricky as it is, finding things to say, but trying to temper your responses can take a few attempts to get the right balance for a cordial evening and getting the opportunity for that second date.

Relationship experts and their roles on dating sites

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If you’ve been following this blog for a while, you’ll have seen a growing number of articles relating to high-end dating sites and the fact that the singles who sign up for these ‘all-in-one’ sites rely heavily on a relationship expert to take care of their every dating whim for them.

Okay, from the various write-ups in the media surrounding the increased interest well-to-do singles have in online dating of this stature, I guess there has to be a little more to it than what all the glossies have been printing. I mean, you’re not going to pay over the odds for dating advice that someone is going to print in the press for free, are you?

And you’re not going to part with four-figure monthly dating site fees (in three-month subscription chunks, I hastened to add) for information that some relationship coaches are giving away for free, surely?  You ARE?!?!

And that, I suppose, is really the key – the difference between me and those 6-figure city slicker earners who think nothing of blowing £12,000 a year on a dating site subscription because they’ve not got the time to research and digest that which, with a little research and patience, is waiting in cyberspace for zip, just an e-mail subscription away.

And relationship expert, dating coach, lifestyle guru – whatever moniker you want to attach to them – they’re all out there, dangling the carrot with free pdf downloads to get you to sign up in the hope that you’ll one day go on and buy one of their products off of them. Providing you’ve got the time to read, interpret (for an English audience – the majority are American, as you’d guess, with the rest badly re-written copies in a language that starts off close to English in the first paragraph to draw the reader in but then soon descends into gibberish to avoid the plagiarism checkers) and then learn how to act upon the information, you’re quids in!

So, purely in the name of delivering quality dating advice to you, my loyal readership, that the dating royalty in London, New York and Miami pay through the nose for, I’m going to give the rest of January over to what I believe is the closest we’ll get to expert relationship advice, for free!

So, in totally English fashion, let’s start with five articles looking at where you’re going wrong, why you’re still single and why you’re coming back time and again to dating sites to find ‘the one’.

(article series tag: #datingguruuk)

Start dating as you mean to go on – drop the fibs

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So, yes – welcome back to the #datingguruuk series, taking a sneak peek for free into what the mega-loaded singles from the dating capitals of the world pay a fortune for every month. Yep, it’s only a peep – I’m not going to offer to call you up for a fifteen minute ‘get-to-know-you’ session (it’s true – if I’d lived in US EST zone, I’d have got one!). But that just shows why eHarmony have felt the need to completely revamp the ads for their UK dating sites compared to those in the US. We do look at dating in a totally different way to our American cousins. Oceans apart, geographically and in our love lives, it seems. Anyway, before I board that Titanic, as promised, why we’re so useless at dating:

Have you been to Amazon recently and seen how many books there are about dating? 14,100. That’s just under the tag dating. Then there’s the ‘for women’ (6,500+), ‘for men’ (a similar 6,500+) – there’s even a selection of 20 titles for dating the undead! The state of UK dating must be pretty awful if we’re buying guide books in love on the off-chance that a lycan or succubus is gonna drop by!

And I’m not one to suggest that the menfolk need a helping hand, but there is a strong selection entitled ‘dating tips for men’, yet they’ve dispensed with a similar section for the fairer sex. I did suggest over the weekend that women know how to get what they want, didn’t I?  Even Amazon are backing me up, there!

Do we need help dating in the UK? Oh, yes.

So, back to my e-mail series from the lovely EST lady in the US and our first fallibility when it comes to striking up a potential relationship: honesty.

Not to make out that we’re a nation of fibbers (rich, coming from the country that tried to convince us we’d landed on the moon, that Elvis was dead and that Iraq were building nuclear power heads – okay, one of them may be true: RIP the king), but telling porkies almost seems to become a habit when we’re in the process of doing our chatting up.

In the context of online dating, it starts with out dating site profile. Studies have shown that there is an accepted tolerance of height, weight, the age of our photo and what we do for a living, where the truth is even expected to be stretched a little.

But it appears that many folk can’t get out of the habit when it comes to dating offline, either. The problem is that when you start with a little white lie, you often find you have to tell another one to get around the original. Before you know it, you’re spinning a whole web of deceit and the only one getting caught up in it is you.

So, the message is clear. Start your relationship as you mean to go on. Be as honest as you can. If there is some bad gunky, use your judgement and wait until the relationship can support its gravitas before you throw it in, but never lie about it! See you over the page; remember: #datingguruuk

The hopes and fears of expectant singles

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The #datingguruuk is back with another installment of why we Brits could do with a little helping hand when it comes to dating. Lots to get through, so straight into the mixer:

Take a chance on me

Fear of the unknown is one thing – it’s irrational, there’s very little reason to it. Like being scared of the dark: there’s nothing that’s metamorphosed just because you’ve turned out the light switch.

Rejection, however, can be a very real possibility. No matter how well you’ve developed your relationship on your dating site, when it comes to the crunch in reality, your date may just not be that in to you (metaphorically speaking – you should never let him get that far on a first date!). You have to prepare yourself for that possibility.

What you mustn’t do is let that tentativeness at least stop you from giving dating a go. It’s an absolute fact that nothing tangible will ever happen between you if you just stay online dating all your lives. Yes, you may not want to risk breaking up a cyberspace friendship but, in reality, if you get on that well on your dating site that you feel ready to date, you should at least have a decent time, no matter what the romantic outcome.

Don’t build your hopes up too high

The danger is, of course, that if you let your nerves build up to such an extent, you’ll also find that your expectations increment at a similar rate. Regain focus.

It may feel like such an achievement that you’ve actually asked your online partner to start dating, and it so is, but what may be a first time for you may be a regular jaunt for your newfound partner. It’s a first date you’re going on, not your honeymoon; keep it in perspective.

Love at first sight happens, but rarely

Your first date may have left you feeling a little deflated, it is usual. But that is usually because you set your expectation level too high in the first instance. If the birds aren’t singing his name or you’ve not started annoying your mates down the pub with hers yet, don’t panic – and certainly don’t judge someone on this basis.

Love is like a flower, a thing of natural beauty that takes time to root, nurture, grow and eventually blossom. If you got on well with your date, had plenty in common and don’t recall anything that rang any alarm bells, give the relationship the exposure it needs to bloom, its day in the sunshine, and see how you feel after the pressure of a first date is not hanging over you like a dementor.

Feeling ready to start dating, yet? A few more lessons tomorrow, then you should be done. See you then. x

Dating sugar daddies sure beats flippin’ sloppy joes

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Sugar dating is, whether Florida likes the statistic or not, helping to fund many young female graduates progression through their in-state university system. According to one recent report, college students account for 4 out of 10 ‘sugar babies‘ new sign-ups on one of the most publicised sugar daddy dating sites, SeekingArrangement.com. The adult dating site now claims over 1,000,000 members and its CEO, Brandon Wade, likes very much to keep the odds stacked in favour of the daddies. That’s where the money is, he never wants to let them down, so he always ensures the books never run out of fresh babies for the daddies to lavish their money on. That’s a lot of college girls leaning on wealthy, older men to see them through school.

Although the dating site has had allegations that it is nothing more than a front for legalised prostitution, the relationships are not all about sex. The onus is very much put on both sides of the partnership to express what they want from the relationship – if the two halves of the one requirement match, then you’re in business. No pimps, no cajoling – everything is up front and in the open (within the dating site confines). If it’s not working out, you simply call the relationship a day, learn from any mistakes and build on that for another scoot around the sugar block.

If that all sounds a little too formal – more like a business contract than any real kinship to a loving relationship – then that’s because it is. This type of dating site is not about any pretence towards love or marriage or any of the other yardsticks you tend to measure the mainstream dating sites by. Indeed, many of the sugar daddies are married men, so any thoughts about falling in love and being happy ever after are blown out of the water from the off. Girls need money to get through college. Older, well-to-do business men spend a lot of time in Florida doing trade. Whilst they’re there, they like to have some familiarity around them to share in their wealth and success. But then the trip’s over, back to the wife, settle the dating site fees, end of transaction. Is it cold? Is it commercial? You betcha it is.

Brandon Wade is no mug. As online dating figures started to increase from this avenue, he didn’t bask in the wonder of it. He up-sold that market, branding the sign-ups from the universities as ‘college sugar babies‘ on his dating site, giving them their own .edu domain for their e-mails (using this filter to compile the data on the sign-up percentages) and publishing a list of the top 20 schools that were supplying him the 40% of new sign-ups in a league format on the dating website.

Florida’s universities feature three times in the list, contributing 219 sugar baby dating site sign-ups for 2011. Although you cannot search specifically by college, you can adapt filters to within a region – pretty important parameters if you’re only out of town on business two or three days a month.

By adopting a Miami-focused search on the dating site, with the additional ‘College Sugar Baby’ status, you can drill down to your catchment target area, leaving you with a clue that the girls you find are either at South, Central or International universities. Given some of the dating site profiles for the girls within those search parameters, it really is no wonder that none of the three universities cared to comment on this growing trend amongst its pupils.

Is sugar dating legal prostitution, older men manipulating younger women or vice versa? The only people I hear complaining are those not getting any of the action…

Florida – the dating, like the oranges, is sugar-sweet

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We have all seen the recent press about what it will take to even get a place at one of the established universities in the UK, these days. What separates the English universities from some of the other global academic institutions, however, is that there are well-to-do parents not just from this fine nation of ours but from all over the world willing to fund their offspring’s education just so that it has ‘educated in the UK’ on their curriculum vitae, semper et in perpetuum.

For universities in other cultures, especially those as diverse as in the US where this level of education is almost mandatory if you want to do anything with your life, there is perhaps not so much of an abundance of readily-available wealth, or parental willingness, to support the whole three year stint completely from the family nest egg. The onus is very much, therefore, on the shoulders of the said son or daughter to at least part-fund their further education through this critical stage of US adolescence into young adulthood.

With a national economy in a very similar condition to our own, many of the part-time jobs are spoken for and those that do become available are right at the bottom rung of the employment, the vacantors of those posts moving on to positions that pay more than minimum wage. Credit is also an issue – it can be made available for graduates but rules and regulations for paying those fees back are a lot more stringent than we have in the UK, so what’s a girl supposed to do to get herself through university without spending any inheritance before it’s earned or trying to make split-ends meet after working a six-hour shift serving sloppy joes?

Surely that’s obvious – become a sugar baby! Sure beats flippin’ burgers to earn your crust and the perks far outweigh the downsides, that’s for sure. However, according to one recent report out of Florida, the number of registered sugar babies on dating sites could end up wiping out half of the country’s wealth, laying within the bank accounts of the sugar daddies registered on these very adult dating sites in one semester if the girls from the colleges who are currently signing up (a figure put at 40% of all new sign-ups according to SeekingArrangement.com’s founder and marketing mogul, Brandon Wade) really put the effort in.

And – here’s a new one on me – it’s not just for older men seeking a specific relationship with a significantly younger female, either; not to be outdone, the cougars (mustn’t have liked the moniker) are now flocking to the site and re-branding themselves as Sugar Mommies in order to bag a toy boy whom their benevolence can put through college. The relationships, as you would expect, all come with a price tag, some as much as five-figures a month, depending upon what each of the prospective partners negotiate for the services they are expected to provide. You don’t see Arnie or Rob Lowe bragging about that in the adverts for California, do you?

Next up, we look at some of the fascinating facts and figures that make up this niche area of the dating site world; while you head on over, I’ll just be checking out some uni’s in Florida, to see what spaces they have coming this fall (see, getting the lingo, by jingo, already…).

Men can be their own worst dating site enemy

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In the previous article, “The quickest way to a mans wallet is via his crotch” we questioned the safety of unwitting males on dating sites being lured in by women who know how to get what they want from their male counterparts. Not only via their online dating platform, but offline, to devastating effect.

I cannot help wondering, though, if men haven’t contributed to their own downfalls – you can put all the danger signs up you like, but as the age old saying suggests, when there is the opportunity of a bit of adult fun, they stop thinking with their brain.

As well as in bars, I’ve worked in offices long enough to hear the ladies, mainly the younger ones (but I’m reliably informed that the cougars of this dating world are not averse to similar tactics), relate tales of their weekends on Monday morning in which they bear no shame in having been out all weekend, have more money in their purses than before they hit the town on Friday evening, and yet still managed to maintain a level of inebriation throughout the 3-day binge that would have Ollie and George paying them homage, and all courtesy of the male population’s affability.

And I say ‘no shame’ not to induce the image of brazen hussies cruising the bars looking for men to buy them drinks (although there were elements of that in many of the Monday morning tales), but almost as if there’s a level of expectation at the outcome, that it was guaranteed even before the starter’s whistle had been raised to his lips that the weekend binge would cost them zip.

And again, as in the previous article, many of these girls were not single. Their partners’ knew the score (that other men would be paying for their drinks whilst said menfolk stayed home watching the kid[s], whilst playing Xbox 360 and smoking dope) and they were happy that others were footing their ladies’ beer-bill as it saved on the household expenditure. Is it any wonder that men are setting themselves up as targets on dating sites for women who have made extracting money an art form?

So has the world gone mad, the dating one as well as the offline version? I know I used to help out the odd damsel in distress in my time but, as a gang of guys we soon used to get to know the, well, we did have a name for them: p****-teasers (substitute the **** with the forename of 80′s crooner Mr Astley and you get the picture) and we used to avoid them at any cost. No matter how far they went on a first date.

So, gentlemen, be afraid, be very afraid, if you are asked for money by women on your dating site. Their in-boxes are, more likely than not, filled with responses to plenty of other PM’s they’ve sent, creating a whole manner of plights that could see them getting what they want, just because they know how the male machine is wired. You have been warned.

The quickest way to a man’s wallet is via his crotch

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Continuing where we left off in our last dating post, looking into concerns for men’s safety on dating site platforms, we look at how easily many men give away their hearts for all of the wrong reasons, notwithstanding that the ‘woman’ may be anything other than a front for a whole manner of fraudulent behaviour beyond a ‘too good to be true‘ dating profile.

As well as men who are trying their hand at online dating having to suss out the scammers, they also have to be aware of real women who are very aware of their own charms. The majority of women who use dating sites do so for all the right reasons – looking to find someone with whom they have passions in common, searching for the perfect partner online, trying to eek out a love life from the ashes of a past disaster. You name it, there are a thousand honourable routes to finding yourself all of a sudden hooked on online dating.

However, there are a minority who use dating sites purely for selfish reasons, some lawful ones, others criminal. They know that the right combination of body, looks and flattery will soon have most men eating out of their hands and, because men make so amiable targets for practise when there’s the sniff of a little romance in the air, they have become really quite good at pushing the right buttons in real life and even more successful in the ethereal dating land of cyberspace cupids.

Let’s face facts: the quickest way into a man’s wallet is via his crotch (sorry to sound so crude, but that’s the truth of it); not to suggest women try this at home but if a woman was to flash her assets (teeth and eyes, I mean – what were you thinking?) next to a single bloke at the bar of the local hostelry, you can see the reaction, it’s almost chemical. The same chain of events, wallet and crotch literally being joined at the hip, must happen a million times a day on dating sites the world over.

I’ve worked behind enough bars to know the signs, even been on friendly enough terms with a lot of women for them, on occasion, to confide in me that instead of cruising around their dating sites, they’re having a night out on the pull, spiced up with a bit of a wager across the party (of not necessarily all single females) betting on who can bag the most drinks bought for them over the course of the night.

And who is to say that there is not a similar clique going on offline between women, comparing notes as is their wont, only on this occasion measuring how much they have extracted from the men on the various dating sites that they haunt?

Read More [Men can be their own worst dating site enemy]

Men aren’t immune to online dating scammers

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In recent times there have been huge strides taken in the online dating industry to protect the female of the species online. Not from just scammers masquerading as love-lorn singles but also from men who have a dubious past and, as they may have become social lepers, turn their trade to unfortunate victims online.

However, as much as it is fantastic to see the warning signs gradually becoming more commonplace on existing and up and coming dating sites to advise women to be careful who they’re sharing their innermost secrets and stockpiles of cash with, spare a thought for the men out there who themselves are not invincible.

Every woman I’ve ever met knows that men are suckers for a winning smile, twinkly eyes and a flash of cleavage. One word of flattery from a ‘woman’ who posts a dating site profile ticking all of those boxes pretty much guarantees that the newbie dating male will be putty in their hands; or not, as the case may be.

If all of the women in the world know this and can use these charms to great effect to get what they want – to be fair, most honest men know it, too – do we not think that the scammers of this world realise it, also? It’s a tactic that works time and again for fraudsters on dating sites: a bit of flattery, get chatting, and pretty soon they’re not only exchanging phone numbers with the blinkered male, the ‘woman’s’ number running through a relay in the US or UK to make it convincing (and many organised gangs of African scammers have got some serious wedge behind them to be able to do this, it’s so lucrative an industry), but they’re exchanging credit card numbers, too, in order to fund and overcome whatever ‘unforeseeable’ event has stopped the ‘woman’ from hopping on the next domestic flight or express train to be at the unsuspecting male’s side.

Okay, said naïve gent may not be so green as to fall for the same ploy twice (but he might); you can just imagine the tills chinging with $100 cash-transfers from the thousands of lonely men wiring money to their super-good-looking, fictitious online partner who, in reality, is a young Nigerian male wearing a shirt and tie in a small African village, juggling ten or twenty similar profiles on his laptop, all to the same effect.

Gents, if it seems too good to be true that this beautiful Nordic blonde you’ve met on your dating site wants to meet up but has ran out of cash just at the moment she’d decided to abandon her native Scandinavia to be at your side, then it probably is.

Seal of approval for dating site writers

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A lot of ‘articles’ that we read in cyberspace that supposedly contain information about online dating are nothing but cannon-fodder for Google. Search-engine friendly they may be; next winner of the crystal clear writing award, I think not. There are one or two exceptional writers out there in dating land whose posts I always take the time out to read, showcasing their opinions on global dating sites, Kelly Seal being one such writer who never fails to deliver fresh content from a different perspective and puts a bit of the writer into the prose and it shows. It’s refreshing.  If ever there was a solid argument for Web 2.0, eradicating spammers, scammers and spinners has got to be it.

However, until that day arrives, I accept my lot that the feeds upon which I base some of the more nitty-gritty aspects of online dating, such as figures, statistics and research (yeah, I know: boring, but often relevant), I have to wade through copious amounts of poorly scribed English, punctuation, tense and spelling errors before I actually decide that there were “78% of dating site members populating on the forums”, and not “copulating on the forums,” as stated – I nearly cut my fingers with credit card plastic to sign up before I realised the err in spelling on that occasion, I can tell you.

However, to the point of this little aside article, other than to acknowledge the wonderful Kelly Seal who, if Google’s new parameters truly are “Content is king” when it comes to judging page rank (although, on the evidence of the above, I’m yet to be convinced that they have got the algorithm for filtering out spun material bang on, yet), will one day be my queen as we lay waste and look out upon the devastation we have caused before us, when it comes to re-writing the rules about writing dating site content, I did come across a feed earlier this week by a writer who, although not of native English tongue, had a good enough grasp of the concept to make a few very valid points about men on dating sites, their attitudes towards the fairer sex and sex itself, and women’s perceptions of said males.

So, in my next article, I will pay homage to said writer who, rather than just use article spin software did try to re-write those words in as close as a version as they could muster to the mother tongue of our nation and made a fair stab at it, to boot.

If you’re lucky enough to have been paid this side of the end of the month, I guess you’ll be out meeting guys and gals who you’ve been in contact with on your dating site during these last long, dark teatimes of the soul since last we were paid – doesn’t it seem like an age? For all the rest of you out there in dating land, see you here tomorrow!

Keep your target in your dating sites range

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Online dating has changed the way people perceive dating forever, that goes without saying. But, according to one recent report, many dating site members are connecting as much through the forums or chat-rooms on their dating sites as they are via direct hits on their profile. Today, we look at why this may be the case.

Your dating site profile is there to be shot at, if you like, as a target to draw in the fire that you will either pick up and run with or leave drowning in the trenches, dependent upon who’s doing the shooting. You can control your returning salvo of responses but can do very little about who’s taking the initial pop-shots at this ‘stand-alone’ target. Yes, you can make that dating profile scary as hell, but then is the creation of your online persona a self-defeating exercise by wording it thus, putting people off contacting you, rather than attracting them?

The tables are very much turned in the forums where you choose to jump in to conversations either because you know about the subject or because you have someone else who’s joined in the thread very much in your own sights. This gives you the chance of targeted response, which will put off people from contacting you who have little value to add to the proven existing knowledge exhibited via your comments.

Don’t ask me why, but men get quite squeamish when they think that women are more knowledgeable about a subject than they are. It’s true.  Even when it comes to make up or other ‘girly-girl’ subjects, men still have this inherent belief that they have a rite to be right about everything. If you, as a lady within the confines of your chat-room, can show unequivocally that you are a domineering force on la journal du jour, only male members who have what they believe to be a justifiable opposing view or can add further to your own enlightened comments will respond. Hence, eradicating the dweebs and instigating conversation with someone who you can go on to develop a relationship with via the exchange of mind-fodder, in the first instance – you may very well find you have much more in common and start dating as a result.  Result!

A word of warning for the ladies on this matter, though. If you are joining a thread purely to scout someone who you have developed a passing fancy to, don’t be tempted to rain on their parade in a topic they’ve commented on, going in all guns blazing, just because you know you can to prove your feminine superiority!  Another self-defeating dating tactic, if ever there was one.

Rather, assess their opinion and, providing that they’re not too far off the mark from your own beliefs, support their point with empathy (not sympathy) and win their trust through this proven stealth tactic. If you do have heavy feelings for the thread topic but you had to bite your literary tongue when composing your response, wait a while before there is the strength in the relationship to support the weight of your conviction before you drop it into the mix.

Stealth the key to commanding dating site chat-rooms

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Here’s a bit of a tip for those of you out there in dating land who have seen someone you quite fancy but are perhaps new to online dating and haven’t quite got the hang of approaching other singles on your dating site, yet or are not quite convinced by someone’s dating profile that you want to actually strike up a relationship with them.

Most dating sites have a chat-room or dating site forum that you can literally add your comment to any one of the threads that are live. Some dating sites have these facilities for paid members only, but even on free dating sites this is usually one of the features they advertise to entice sign-ups.

First of all, copy the user name of the single you’re interested in; you can write it down and search manually through the live threads but, for this tip, you’re better off highlighting the user name then either right-clicking it and clicking ‘Copy’ from the drop-down menu or pressing the CTRL + C function if you have keyboard shortcuts enabled in your browser.

Then, head over to the chat-room, open in a new window and press the CTRL + F keys which, in theory, should take you through all of the instances that the user name appears on the forum. Now – that’s the easy bit.

Dating site forums can be on diverse topics – everything from the latest soap news (sad but true), to how tight your last date was to dating site etiquette – it’s all covered on there. Find a thread where the single’s made a comment or, even better, started the thread, then make a comment on the same thread. But make the topic one that you know something about; the idea is to impress this target single with your knowledge on a subject they’ve chosen to comment on, hence they have at least a passing interest in.  If there’s nothing that you’re up to speed with but you sooo want to make contact, do a little research first.

One of the great things about threads is that they don’t have to be live giving you ample opportunity to go away and polish up on your knowledge first; only then respond with a killer comment. The bonus comes when the ‘online now‘ icon flashes next to the single’s user id and it is a topic you’re passionate about – you can dive straight into the action and see if they’re all that their dating profile makes them out to be.

This will improve your stealth tactics and get you chatting with new members; even if your target single isn’t the one to respond, you will have started to strike up relationships with others and you’ll have more of an idea whether this dating site is worth sticking around for – often, you get more feedback about any chosen online dating site from its existing membership than anything the site professes to offer in its advertising.

Blow the dust off your dating site profile

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Is your dating site profile still giving you grief? Do you want to sell yourself more but not sure when you’re overstepping the mark? Well, here’s a quick overview of several aspects that, even though you may have been online dating for a while, never hurt to run a fine-toothed comb through to eradicate any nits. What a shocking image to portray for a dating site…

Okay – first and foremost, how recent is your photograph and when was the last time you changed it? You may have paid for the upgrade to your dating site membership, but there are possibly others who are solely checking out profiles based on the one image that the dating site has granted them access to before they decide to take the plunge, themselves. Brains are quite acute when it comes to recognising images they’ve seen before. Your Mr. Right could be right now browsing the profile photos and skimming over yours if he’s seen it once or twice previously.

Shake your gallery up a bit, even if it’s just to prove you’ve got more than one good side to those with whom you’ve been corresponding for some time. A change of scenery or style of outfit will soon have dating site members with different interests taking a second look at you (if they weren’t before) and that new profile image now plays to their weakness.

Dating site trends change. What was en vogue last month can become de rigeur overnight. If you’ve seen a drop off in your popularity rate, take the time out to see what the ‘most viewed’ profiles (nearly every dating site‘s got a section like that) are saying about themselves. There may be a common theme that is likewise one of your attributes, but you’ve just not thought to include it in your profile.

Is there an element of your dating profile that’s mundane? I like chocolate, for example. If you like Rocky Road, then emphasise it – “I was having a Thornton’s slab of Rocky Road the other day and it made me droooolll” – okay, that’s perhaps not something you wanna put exactly in those words, but it was better than saying ‘it nearly gave me an orgasm’ – that’s seriously messed up! But you get the picture.

Okay – and the last one for today: does anything in your dating site profile seem far-fetched to the point that no one quite believes you’re on the level? Excelling at something shows pure talent, but to greet someone for the first time with: “I’ve got the highest IQ in the world” may well be true, but it may come across as boastful and even induce inferiority, enough put a prospective date off initiating contact. Mention that you have intellectual tendencies by all means, but keep the real heavy stuff in your armoury – you never know if you’re gonna need back-up when the competition hots up, later on.

Happy dating, y’all – let’s hope today’s three articles can entice a few more hopeful singles your way, leaving you spoilt for choice.

Can you stand to acid test your dating profile?

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I’m honoured that so many of you feel my contribution worthy to your dating cause; and yes, as well as the many other dating site profile tips we’ve written, I’ll be only too glad to expand.

It seems that many of you out there in dating land are still not getting enough responses; let me clarify, responses that you think your personality and dating site profile deserve.

Okay, here’s a little test – and this is an acid test of you and your online dating buddies; for brut honesty and so that the answers aren’t subjected to bias of any kind, run this test on people you’ve only recently started to get to know. Think of it as: I’ve made my first impression; what’s your impression of my first impression? They’re more likely to go with their gut than someone who you’ve known for a while and started to build up a rapport or relationship with.

It is an acid test, remember, so be prepared for the fall out and choose your subjects wisely. You have to get down to the nitty gritty and ask them what they think of you. If you’re honest with yourself, you know what your shortcomings are so create the questions with an answer to that end in mind, but don’t be so deliberate as to outright ask the question you’re looking for the answer to.

For instance, you want to know what someone who you may be interested in dating thinks about your hair. First, make sure that the dating profile photo online is the one you want the opinion of and that the member’s got access to. Never hurts to double check the detail.

Instead of blurting out: “Do you like my hair?”, which for one is a direct question and someone could just give a yes or no to, which satisfies one query but opens up a whole string of unanswered questions, but it is also obvious that you’re fishing for a yes answer.

You’re better to construct the question something along the lines of: “What colour tint do you think would look good with my hairstyle?” or “I’m not so sure whether my hair looks better straight or with a wave; what do you think?” It not only encourages more than a one-syllable answer, but also for them to justify their response. And you can do this with so many personality traits, as well as the physical aspects of your make up, that pretty soon you’ll be tweaking your dating site profile to the best effect – but only ever to the extent that you’re happy with.  If they say: “Shave it off!” and you’ve been growing it for two years, perhaps that person doesn’t have your best interests at heart.

Up next, to read in conjunction with this article: Call in the SWOT team for a dating site makeover

City slicker or city’s licquor? It’s time to start dating!

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Finding that special someone to share the ups and downs of life with is one the driving forces behind why so many singles have joined dating sites in recent years. What, with work commitments, bills to pay and homes to run, that vision of finding your perfect partner online can be just a pipe-dream for some, but it needn’t be!

The afore-mentioned hectic calendar is, sadly, one of mundanity, with very little hope of fitting in a window for a social or love life that is totally independent of the office. Living the single life has many benefits but, paying the bills and good house keeping figure heavily on the ‘liabiities’ side of the balance sheet of inner-city single life. No partner to share the costs with, no significant other to half the burden of maintaining the home in a pristine condition and as for dating? No chance.

For many singles living and working in the city, Monday to Friday is a pattern of sleep, work, juggle a bit of food in, work some more, quick pint on the way home with your learned colleagues, crash in front of the box until you wake up at three am in a blue room where the sky box has gone into auto-standby and your 42″ HD is bathing you in oceans of LED light, throw the remains of a cold chow mien away and finally grab a couple of hours of poor quality sleep after you’ve wiped the drool from your chin. You subsequently look like crap when you turn up late for the office the next morning to rinse and repeat the whole process.

If you know deep down that having someone special to come home to is the element that’s missing from your life but, with commitments as they are, you haven’t a cat in hell’s chance of even finding that yellow-brick road, let alone planting the first firm footstep on it, you’re in the right place, here, at dating.org.uk.

You have two options: 1) sign up to a high-end dating site that will take care of it all for you, for a King’s ransom, or 2) instead of hitting the bar every night after work, take a moment out of your life to find that special someone on one of our tailored dating sites. For the sake of one round in a Birmingham bar, you could pay a monthly membership fee and get all of the exclusive features that a paid dating site membership has to offer: unlimited messages, one-on-one web-cam dates, unlimited photo-galleries and extra security to protect your online identity from fraudsters and scammers are just a few of the upgraded aspects that make paid dating membership services preferential to free online dating.

You never know, finding that special someone online may even kickstart other neglected features of your life, such as healthy exercise, a suitable diet to match your new fitness regime or even lose weight, if all those 6pm pints are starting to show above your belt-line! Good housekeeping starts from within and having someone to share in your little victories can spur you on to even greater heights! Happy dating!

Blue Monday let down on UK Dating sites

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You’d think that, with so many millions now populating UK dating sites, finding your perfect partner would be an absolute piece of cake, and it should be. Then why, whilst browsing the multitudes of smiling faces of my target audience, is it proving to be such a hardship?

A for instance: the other night, got in from work, logged on to the old lappy, checked out the correspondence (to be fair, most of my GMail I’d either responded to at work, not that there was anything groundbreaking worth getting copped for by my boss, but you’ve just gotta check if you’ve had any dating site e-mails or PMs, innit?) and decided I wasn’t going to shift until I’d made contact with at least three new possibilities, which is not many, considering the dating site in question boasted in excess of a 7-figure membership.

I don’t know what you’re like when you first log on to your dating sites, but do you always start at the ‘new members’ bit, first? Then filter by age, sex (obviously – why else would we be on there?!?) and locality. And then, if there’s nothing in that ‘saved search’, expand it to the next one, with slightly wider parameters, no?

Brilliant feature, the ‘saved search’, which I must admit I’ve only found on paid dating sites, thus far, but it does save a hell of a lot of time, time that could be spent checking out the results, not creating the search itself. It’s a bit like going to a new town and not having to check out all of the bars before you decide which one to go into; if you know where your target audience is going to congregate, you waste less time (and money, especially in Birmingham, or other big cities) roaming the January streets date-less and can get straight to the action!

Anyway, back to the dating site dilemma of Monday evening – I don’t know whether it was just a slack night due to any potential new members saving the last of their cash for the last weekend before payday (Gosh, how long does it feel since we’ve been paid?) or whether Blue Monday just dashed the spirits of hopeful romantics nationwide, but it was slow.

Six hours later, with two empty bottles of Shiraz at my side, nothing. You can tell how bad it was: normally after one bottle, I’m sending invites to literally all new dating site members, but Monday, zip! Ah, well; let’s hope tonight brings a few more newbies, and this time, see if they spend a little more time over their dating site profiles to entice me to get in touch with them, without having to submit my liver to any more 13.5%ABV plonk! Happy dating!

All you gotta do is act naturlich

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Oh, those dulcet tones of Ringo – every time I hear one of The Beatles songs where the afore-mentioned Mr. Starkey took over from John or Paul, I can’t help but picture Thomas the Tank Engine’s cheeky chops half-obscured by a nearly-beard and a pair of starr-shaped shades singing from behind a set of drums and a microphone.

But he did have a point when he sung that title-line from the Help! LP song, never more so than when it comes to your online dating presence. Living up to an online persona you’ve created that’s as alike as Emu was to the late, great Rod Hull will take some doing, if you’ve created a whacky, zany character when, in reality, you’re the shy, retiring type.

Hiding behind the gazillions of miles of cyberspace encourages many a would-be dater to dispose of their heavily-lacquered safety shell next to their duffel-coat on the coat-rack and transform magically behind their dating site profile into a “Tonight, Matthew, I’m gonna be…” Stud-muffin Steve from Stirchley or Raving Rhona from Reading. Which is fine, as long as you can live up to that expectation when you first meet your dating partner that’s become attracted to that side of you.

If, however, you once crawled back inside your pencil case every time the teacher came out with ‘sex education’ at school but have since discovered that you have the chance to be like that girl/boy you always wanted to be, getting up to no good around the back of the bike sheds, through creating this alter-ego on your dating site, it’s probably a good idea to leave that other you in fantasy chat-land whilst representing the real you behind another personality altogether, more akin to what you’d feel comfortable with in the offline world of dating.

If you are meek – which there’s nothing wrong with; don’t want to upset you – then you should be looking for a genuine date offline who’s going to complement your personality, not crush it like a bug within ten minutes of your meeting. And it’s of little use play-acting up to the role, either; if the character you have created is your Mr. Hyde, Dr. Jekyll will soon get found out by your new partner, which could be devastating for the both of you, shattering confidences a-plenty.

There is nothing inherently wrong with role-play, as long as you recognise it for what it is and be totally upfront on your dating profile that [you're] only there for friendship; the last thing you want – or a person who finds the other you fascinating, for that matter – is an unattainable relationship with someone who simply does not exist, in any real sense.

When you fall for someone on your dating site and they feel the same, in order to be at ease with the relationship offscreen, it is imperative that it is the real you that has attracted them, and vice versa.

Who’s fooling who – do we need a dating coach?

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Back in 2008, Ellen Carter quite succinctly summed up why so many high-earners are paying relationship experts to find them a date from whichever of the dating sites both the loaded single and the mentor subscribe.

The main justification, as far as I can tell, for anyone wanting to part with so much of their cash in return for a dating site being able to deliver what they, so far, have been unable to find themselves – namely a long term partner – is that they simply don’t have the time. I’ll just summarise some of the arguments put forward by the therapists, mentors and University boffins for your digestion and then ask you a simple question at the end of it all.

Online dating is booming; for us mere mortals who do not earn a five-figure monthly income, comitting to a mediocre membership fee is cheaper than a night out, traipsing bars where you may not find one individual who’s interested or interesting enough to warrant the expense. Online dating, pretty much guarantees a captive audience with all but the odd exception gathered in the same place for the same thing – to meet other singles. They’re good at it, they work (if you put the effort in, as we harp on about on dating.org.uk quite a lot).

And that really is the crux – if you put the effort in. When I was in my youth, my beloved aunt (she gets mentioned quite a bit on here and I’m darned sure she’d make a better matchmaker than some I’ve seen referenced in recent articles) tried everything to get me together with her well-to-do clients’ nieces and other mateable-aged female family from the hair-dressing boutique she ran in Staffordshire.  Dates which, inevitably, met with varying amounts of success, but mainly indifference on either my part or the matchmade other, rather just tagging along for the ride, with the odd exception in Katherine. The key thing missing about those liaisons was their downfall from the outset: the element of ‘me’ that went into choosing those dates was knowledge of my make-up that aunt had gleaned over the twenty or so years of knowing me – and even then, that was rarely enough.

Now, you’re not telling me that someone, no matter how much money is thrown at the cause, can impart as much knowledge of themselves to a dubiously-qualified stranger as can be gained from over twenty years of upbringing? And that promise is the premise on which high-end dating sites attract their clients; even if you go to extremes, referring back to Ellen’s 2008 article, that clients are persuaded to commit to a three-month immersion program for $5,000 (heaven knows how much that is now, given that UK top bosses payrises have risen from £1M to £4M in the same period [BBC 6pm news, 23/01/12]), that’s very little time for a mentor to categorically state they know what’s best for a client’s love-life.

And now that question: if someone approached you, via a third party because they were too ‘hyperconnected’ to their job and the real world to come and find you themselves, would you want to date that person? And what sort of life are you plotting for yourself, if you did? I think you’d be fooling yourself if you thought life thereafter was going to be anything other than playing second fiddle to their job and the big-earners kidding themselves if they believe an ‘expert‘ can find them love without them actually being there to make the call; the only winners are the high-end dating sites hoodwinking everyone into making believe it’s possible. To be ‘in true love‘ can only ever be ‘inert love‘, without the element of ‘u‘.

Relationship experts – according to whom?

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Every relationship expert is expected to don more than one hat, over their time. However, to become a qualified ‘coach’ in this very human sector, much of the emphasis is placed on analysing and correcting issues after a couple have been together for some time, which is not necessarily what you’re paying through the nose for when you sign up to a high-end dating site.

Sure, dating is certainly covered in the syllabus, but only those who’ve qualified recently – and I mean very recently – may have had any of their curriculum devoted to meeting a perfect partner online. So, when the dating sites with higher-than-average membership fees are offering the services of “mentors”, exactly what school of graduation are they plucking these cardboard cupids from?

Who qualifies for a dating site mentor?

A recent report by a relationship expert who had put the hours in to gain her qualification was astounded when, after looking to enhance her newly-gained skills by attending a session promised as a think-tank for the ‘experts’ in this field, she discovered that she was the only one amongst the assembled, self-proclaimed set with anything that resembled a dating qualification, at all.

There is some mileage in stating that the people who study what works and what doesn’t work on a dating site are qualified to preach about the mechanics. But, in a field that requires a deft, understanding human touch, are data scientists the best placed to be counselling a dating single who is having no luck with their ads?

Perhaps they are indeed more suited, as singles who approach such information technicians know in advance that any queries they have are going to be met with pure logic.  They then have the choice whether to put their faith in dating science or seek advice from a faceless mentor who may be as straight as a meandering mountain path, for all they know. Certainly, for men at least, if you have a choice of IT, carpentry, soccer or relationship expert for your career path, the latter will have grass growing over it before the end of the first term.

There’s a very interesting article from The Washington Post from a couple of years ago recanting tales of singles who, even before the dating site boom, were relying on guidance from experts and paying extortionately for the privilege. It needs bringing in line with 2012 figures, but it does exemplify just what we’re talking about, especially as more singles are distancing themselves from the madding crowd and putting their whole lovelives in the hands of someone who may be helping a dating site out part time, just to get them through that last year of uni, or pay off their student loan…

You know you’re not doing your dating, but who is?

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We have written to some extent about the value of paying for paid dating site services on dating.org.uk/ for some time. The one role that we’ve not significantly considered is that played out by the actual relationship expert.

A recent report by one self-styled matchmaking guru claims to have been present at a session for such practitioners to find that they were the only one present who had any relevant experience in the field, let alone any sort of certification to exonerate the fact that they were qualified thus to perform what was asked of them.

If you are a straight male who is genuinely hard pressed for time, earning enough in a month to feed a small African village for twice as long, do you really want a gay graduate or ageing professor deciding who is your best prospect in the online dating community? What say do you get, as the venerable